They Call it Golf Because
|
|
I’m not sure if someone was trying to make a commentary on golf by the positioning of the equipment, but I forged ahead and began diving into all sorts of clubs, bags, etc. I even found a cardboard box with 100s of used balls.
I discreetly looked around to make sure no one was watching me, grabbed one of the drivers, placed a few balls on the ground outside the barn and hit a couple of shots driving the balls across a pond and into the farmer’s field. It’s a shame I was aiming the ball in a completely different direction and almost hit a poor cow grazing in the pasture. (This must be where Mad Cow Disease came from!)
Environmental Alert Note: Being a concerned conservationist, I figured the balls would eventually go to seed, grow and multiply. The farmer could start selling fresh golf balls with the usual corn and tomatoes at his roadside stand. We all have to do our part.
All of a sudden a mature gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and told me that I needed to not lift up my head during the swing and the ball would go where I wanted it to (in golf as in child raising, everyone has an opinion). He then took it upon himself to demonstrate his well honed technique as he grabbed my club and swung. While I was getting my free golf lesson a friend of the old time duffer came along and decided to voice his opinion on the perfect swing, show his style and take a few free shots.
Before I knew it, there were 5 other guys pulling out golf balls and clubs from the old barn. An instant golf course was set up and the balls and tall stories were flying. All we needed was someone serving cocktails and life would be perfect. This was much to the dismay of the fundraiser volunteers and the irate farmer who arrived in his pickup to disband the new golf facility located in his pasture!
While the commotion was going on, I headed back to the barn and found a nice set of Spaulding clubs that came in a bag with a dozen balls. I was told that the price was set at 12 dollars. Maybe it’s the real estate investor in me, but I offered $10 and got my price! Claude’s Cheap Golf Equipment Rule: Ask for everything, expect nothing and have the guts to see what happens!
It was time to give golf a second chance. I know, fool me twice shame on me, but I decided to give the ancient Scottish Sport another try. I went to the golf course and found that schlepping a 25 lb bag of the regulation 14 clubs did not enhance my renewed love of the game.
I know about electric golf carts and caddies on wheels, but it’s still a pain in the posterior! Going back and forth dragging clubs, grabbing clubs, dropping clubs and picking them up again isn’t worth it! (I really prefer to get my exercise by walking not lugging stuff!) All the while I was thinking that someone should find a better way to make golf practical otherwise it would take another 30 years before I got on a course again.
I did a little research on the Internet and found the answer to my problem. Claude Note: Whatever you do, don’t type the word “Golf” into a search engine unless you want reading material that will last until the next Millennium! My search took several hours until I found what I was looking for, the adjustable golf club (that’s right, club as in singular). It acts as a complete all-in-one set of clubs including drivers, irons, wedges and putter. It was developed by an ingenious inventor in Ohio named Steve Divnick.
The club has an adjustable face that uses a simple thumb screw to set it to whatever angle you need. Best of all, the entire shaft is collapsable and fits into a convenient fanny pack which also holds balls, golf tees, cash, an old hummus sandwich and a water bottle. (What more could you ask for?)* I immediately ordered one and the club was promptly shipped. (They will even monogram your club and it comes with a lifetime guarantee).
The next day I was out on the driving range and I discovered that with a little practice I could actually hit the ball consistently and STRAIGHT. Believe me, this is a very big deal for me. Having only one club of the same length really improved my game and made golf fun without all the lugging around of the immortal bag.
The next day I was invited to play 9 holes with my neighbors. They immediately asked where my golf bag was. They were astounded when I showed them the one club which I deftly extracted from my fanny pack and with one swift motion it expanded into a full length iron.
While they were looking for their lost balls in the woods and thick brush, I hit my shots straight and short. We finished the 9 holes (I had to get back to the home office and do some Lease Purchase business) and proceeded to the club house for soup and a caesar salad. I laid my now retracted golf club and carry pac on the counter reminiscent of Clint Eastwood or was it John Wayne in any bar scene (“feeling lucky punk”) as the local golfers came over and exclaimed “Hey buddy what the hell is that thing?” & “It looks cool!”
Yes, the buzz was working. That day I realized that golf could finally be fun and challenging without all the pain of the long learning curve and the equipment dragging. An amateur such as myself can reach an acceptable level of play without humiliation and have fun.
And that folks is how I got back into the sport of golf. (Tiger has nothing to fear!) Epilogue: You’re probably wondering whatever happened to my beautiful 16 year old blonde girlfriend. Well I married her (or she married me, I forget)! She still can kick my butt in golf, but I don’t seem to mind it as much.
*Go to my web page http://www.claudediamond.com/cgi-bin/cd_Bookstore1_ShowProducts.asp if you would like more information about this remarkable golf club or if you would like to place an order.
