Auburn football wins BadGolfer.com championship

By Chris Baldwin,
Contributor

Somebody is going to pick us national champions. It might be Golf Digest, but somebody's going to pick us.

- Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville

Tommy, Tommy, what are you thinking? No, not the national championship argument. That's legit. It is the turning to Golf Digest bit that has us convinced you're about as balanced as likes-to-fight-his-own-coaching-staff guy Buddy Ryan.

Golf Digest? Right sport. Wrong publication. BadGolfer.com and our friends at TravelGolf.com are the only golf publications with the guts, reaction time and audience to save your sinking college football cause. (Face it, even the one physician in that four of five physicians ad banter that lives to be contrarian sided with the other four physicians on USC in this case.) Golf Digest comes out only once a month with a three to six month lead time on articles (so that great, new destination, undiscovered when they visited in September, probably isn't now that you're finally reading about it in May). And has Golf Digest ever found a course they didn't think deserved at least three and a half stars?

Turn to Golf Digest and you'll find out you're national champions in October. Of course, you'll also discover that USC, Utah, Boise State, Louisville, Texas, Cal, Notre Dame, Michigan State, Hawaii, Sergio Garcia and what the heck, Army!, have been named co-national champions right along with you. Golf Digest doesn't like to upset anyone. They're sort of like your grandma. And they play golf up at West Point, too, you know.

Coach, you need a publication with a figurative spine if not a real one for this mission. Here at BadGolfer.com and TravelGolf.com, we're not afraid to call out a few sacred cows while giving you some breathtaking beer cart girl, um, scenery. All this delivered in daily updates to more than two million readers per month (or about two million more people than actually watched the second half of that USC-Oklahoma Bowl Championship Series title game).

With this combination of fearless, sudden recklessness (Mondays are Bail A Friend Out Of Jail days at the BG offices) and good taste, you cannot help but succeed. Plus, we're not nearly as slimy as your average college football booster.

What's that Coach Tuberville? Ok, ok, you're forgiven. Just stop blubbering. We haven't seen a Tommy this sheepish since Tommy Lee found himself answering questions about giving Pamela Anderson Hepatitis C in a courtroom.

We're on the case, already.

Forget Mark Geragos. You don't even need the guy from My Cousin Vinny to prove this truth beyond a reasonable doubt. Everyone cooing and aahing over USC's ridiculously mammoth margin of victory over the Sooners is missing the point. Sure, it became so bad that Tim Russert threw down his dry erase board and started muttering, "What kind of red state is Oklahoma?" Which is the point.

USC turned off American viewers, hurt the economy with that needlessly destructive display of Matt Leinart long bombs. How are you supposed to sell any Levitra when everyone's dead asleep in the La-Z-Boy? Auburn, in contrast, kept the public interest at the forefront of its strategy in its BCS game with Virginia Tech. When the Tigers jumped out to a commanding 16-0 lead, threatened to send itchy remote fingers snapping, did they selfishly pour it on? No, they let the Hokies back into the game, to the point where it looked like they might even blow it. Final: Auburn 16, Virginia Tech 13.

Now that's national championship spirit!

Like USC's defensive backs couldn't have stepped out of the way of a few of those blind-let-it-rip Jason White passes? Where's your humanity? And during this holiday season no less.

Still think Auburn doesn't have stronger national championship character? Check out Tigers tailback Cadillac Williams' jukes. Stuck with subpar stats in the Sugar Bowl (61 yards on 19 carries), Cadillac refused to let the numbers stop him. Now that's a BadGolfer. Cadillac improvised. Instead of talking about what he didn't do in a live postgame interview, he pointed out he'd now gone undefeated in Pee Wee Football, junior high, high school and college seasons and "advised" NFL general mangers to take notice of that. Almost sounded like a threat.

Now this is a player who can move on his feet, a national championship caliber player.

What did USC's Heisman Trophy poster boy Leinart do when faced with a tough question after his bowl game? He hemmed and hawed like a nervous 10-year-old girl, practically pleading with ABC's USC mouth piece Lynn Swann to stop wondering if he would come back for his senior year. This is the guy you want representing college football? During the obligatory White House visit, President Bush will think he's run into the wishy-washy windsurfing John Kerry reincarnated when he meets Leinart.

It's that damn cloning, isn't it? I told you medically-forward-thinking Ron Reagan Juniors that it would all lead to that damn cloning, didn't I?

Besides this is BadGolfer.com. A guy named Cadillac beats a guy named Matt every time.

Of course, there's the strength of schedule argument, long held up as the saving grace by those BCS computer nitwits. It's true Auburn was out whipping up on Louisiana-Monroe, the Citadel and Louisiana Tech in the nonconference season, while USC put away more traditional college powers Notre Dame, Virginia Tech and BYU. And...Advantage Auburn!

Auburn managed to get Louisiana-Monroe into newspapers around the country. Now that's a trick. You think Louisiana-Monroe's getting regular ink for groundbreaking physics research?

Just another example of our selfless, selfless national championship Tigers.

Which brings up the most convincing, undisputable argument for Auburn as college football's true No. 1. Leinart, Reggie Bush and Co., live in Southern California, the land of bountiful breast implants and Hollywood wannabes. Cadillac, Jason Campbell and friends live in Alabama.

Willingly.

Some committed to another four years in the land that made Jeff Foxworthy rich to play football for the Tigers. Many moved in from out of state to don the blue and orange where the Ten Commandments only budge on multiple court orders. Now, that, that's dedication.

Cheer up, Tommy. Go ahead and buy your players those shiny rings you promised them.

Auburn is BadGolfer.com's unanimous choice (two guys and Pedro Martinez's discarded midget all raised groggy hands) as COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S NATIONAL CHAMPION!

What's this? Golf Digest just called. Wanted to know how many touchdowns Bo Jackson scored in Monday's game.

January 7, 2004

Chris Baldwin keeps one eye on the PGA Tour and another watching golf vacation hotspots and letting travelers in on the best place to vacation.