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Are you an Avid Golfer?

Andrew PennerBy Andrew Penner,

Each of the one hundred million people (that's just a wild guess) who play golf fit into one of three categories. The 3 categories are: a) the extremely casual golfer, b) the casual golfer, and c) the avid golfer.

The "extremely casual player" is best described as someone who rarely plays, usually rents clubs, and seems to think that they need to get down on both hands and knees to put a tee in the ground. The "casual player" is someone who plays a dozen times a year or so, attends the odd PGA Tour event, and often comes back from the course smelling like a fraternity carpet. Lastly, the "avid golfer," who many non-golfers would describe as "a very sick individual," is someone who has a personalized golf related license plate and has most likely traded his children for a golfing membership.

Unfortunately, due to personal bias, prejudice towards certain golfing groups, or basic retardation, it can sometimes be difficult to determine which category you belong in. In order for you to set the record straight, you need to take "Are You An Avid Golfer?" test. Add up your points at the end to determine your category.

Question #1.
I'll quit a round of golf when…

  • A cloud appears - 1 point

  • There is standing water on the greens - 2 points

  • Lightning strikes my golf cart - 3 points

  • I get sucked up into a funnel cloud - 4 points

Question #2.
After tallying up my front nine score and realizing that it is a personal worst I…

  • Say "whoop-di-do," and grab another dozen balls for the back nine - 1 point

  • Whimper like a poodle - 2 points

  • Regurgitate my hot dog - 3 points

  • Try to slice my large aorta with a divot repair tool - 4 points

Question #3.
If my playing partner keels over on the front nine from a heart attack I will…

  • Drop my club and immediately try to resuscitate the victim - 1 point

  • Play my next shot and then yell for help - 2 points

  • Ask him why this couldn't be done after the round - 3 points

  • Finish the nine and tell the pro he needs a stretcher and/or a body bag on the fifth tee and ask for the "single rider" discount for the back nine - 4 points

Question #4.
My golf instructional material consists of…

  • A copy of Caddyshack - 1 point

  • A few golf magazines and a copy of Caddyshack - 2 points

  • Jack Nicklaus's Golf My Way, a shed full of golf magazines, and a copy of Caddyshack - 3 points

  • Every golf instructional book and video that has been produced since WWII, including the "Millenium Gold-Plated Edition" of Caddyshack - 4 points

Question #5.
I take golf lessons…

  • Never - 1 point

  • Only if someone buys them for me - 2 points

  • So often that I pitch a tent on the lesson tee and sleep there for the entire summer - 3 points

  • I make money giving them in my garage - 4 points

Question #6.
If I show up at the golf course without a tee time and the course is jammed I…

  • Tell the starter "No problem" and get smashed in the bar - 1 point

  • Tell the starter "That sucks" and go to the range for an hour hoping someone no-shows - 2 points

  • Bribe the starter with a crisp $100 bill - 3 points

  • Threaten to break the starter's legs - 4 points

Question #7.
I'll teach my kids the fundamentals of the game when…

  • They ask for my advice - 1 point

  • They show an interest in the sport - 2 points

  • They demonstrate a motor skill - 3 points

  • They pass through the birthing canal - 4 points

Question #8.
When money is really tight and a friend asks me to go to Kiawah Island golfing I…

  • Tell him "No dough, Joe. No can do" - 1 point

  • Suggest that we go somewhere less expensive - 2 points

  • Sell my furniture and go - 3 points

  • My possessions have all been sold from previous trips; cut out a kidney and sell it on the internet - 4 points

Question #9.
When I'm asked to go to the store to buy bread and milk I…

  • Do exactly as I'm told - 1 point

  • Sometimes swing by the range on the way home and beat a bucket of balls - 2 points

  • Often stop at the club for a quick nine - 3 points

  • Usually forget what I'm supposed to be doing and head to the course for 18 holes - 4 points

Question #10.
I'll watch The Golf Channel…

  • When someone takes the remote control from my cold, dead fingers - 1 point

  • To laugh at the gay infomercials - 2 points

  • Whenever they show re-runs of Peter Kessler - 3 points

  • Because I'm part owner - 4 points

Your Score:
10-15 points = Casual Player
16-25 points = Semi-Casual Player
26-40 points = Avid Player (make sure the divot repair tool is sharp).

Andrew Penner is a freelance writer and photographer based in Calgary, Alberta. His work has appeared in newspapers and magazines throughout North America and Europe. You can see more of his work at www.andrewpenner.com.

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