Welcome to Bad Golfer Golf Club, where fun is included

By Brandon Tucker,
Managing Editor

It's about time to create a new genre of country club. Frankly, it's overdue. The middle class is growing, American values continue to be liberalized, and Rush Limbaugh is even beginning to admit he's wrong sometimes.

So how come so many country clubs are still stuck in the age of elitist conservatism? Many clubs still don't allow women to play on Saturdays and the dress code is always "dress as though you're on tour". Heck, what ever happened to daily specials at the 19th hole? Is there anywhere I can find a beer for under $4.50? I mean I may pay $20,000 a year for membership, but I' m not a sucker.

Imagine a club where things are different. No "yes sir, no sir" and no outrageous dues. Kegs full of frosty suds replace water coolers on the course. Dress code is to the level of your play, and karaoke and bar games are a mainstay in the clubhouse.

Introducing the first exclusive golf club for everyone: Bad Golfer Golf Club.

BGGC is not just for the golfer who sucks, but for golfers who have fun with the game, who take the game for what its worth. This doesn't mean they aren't serious about it, but a shank into the marsh is by no means grounds for the purchase of new irons, it's merely entertainment for the afternoon.

Here is the inaugural constitution for Bad Golfer Golf Club, the only golf club you'll ever want to join.

Membership: Membership is open to anyone, regardless of age, gender or occupation. No initiation fees, and greens fees will be competitive. Don't expect immaculate course conditions like solid gold tee markers and hand-mown greens. After all, how many golfers can really distinguish the difference? However, Bad Golfer Golf Club does frown upon and will deny the following types of golfers:

Those who repeatedly read putts from both sides. We understand if a major skin is on the line and the green has more contours than the latest Playboy, but read the grain and the slope of the land like everyone else and hit it already.

Those who must play from the championship tees even if it's raining in October during Typhoon Polly. Championship tees are there for those who can hit it long and accurate, not for those who track how many times they succeeded hitting their drive past the ladies tees.

Those who analyze their round so thoroughly following the round, citing specific instances over five times. Your buddies saw your struggles first hand, therefore no need to recite it back to them, especially if PTI is on the locker room monitors.

Cell phones. . .It's this simple: Emergency? Sure. Wife needs you to pick up her dry cleaning? No way.

Dress Code: Dress code is relative to your skill level. If you can't break 100, you have no right donning a Titleist visor, Ashworth polo, Nautica slacks and the latest Foot-Joy's buffed to the bone. If you can't shoot scratch, then go ahead and have a few on your khakis. Please, refrain from having a set of head covers that match each outfit.

Etiquette: The only worse thing than a shank is a shank not made fun of. The foursome must stay lighthearted at all times. Also, not acknowledging the twosome behind you and allowing them play through your turtle-paced group is grounds for removal from the club.

Driving Range: Aside from the ball picker, other numerous fun targets will be available to members. Members will select a dozen celebrity statues to place throughout the range and staff members fully dressed in hockey equipment will scramble for their lives within the boundaries.

Cheating: Mulligans are fine as long as agreed upon by the group. However the following forms of cheating are not only wrong, but forbidden by the club: improving your lie, the "umm . . . I think it's a seven" routine, the "wait, here was my ball all along" routine (however this is fine if it's been awhile and no one in the group really wants to dive into think shrubs and get ticks all over looking for it).

Honor: The player with the lowest score does not tee off first. Rather, they may help themselves to the complimentary keg in between most holes first, then sit back, relax and let your fellow hackers find that hidden fairway bunker for you.

Gambling: A little Nassau or skins game never hurt anybody. BGGC encourages bets for beers, dinners and dates with each other's sister as better forms of compensation than cash.

The watering hole: Bad Golfer Golf Club promises to make the 19th hole the best on the course, and for that matter the most difficult (as in, you' ll spend the most time playing it). BGGC will provide at least four regulation pool tables, fooseball, darts, and those novelty touch-screen video games with the sexy ladies on 'em. Each night of the week will have a drink special, whether it be $1 bottle Monday's or $2 double-shot Saturday' s. Hot wings will never, make that ever, cost more than 15 cents a wing.

February 27, 2004

Brandon Tucker is the Managing Editor for Golf Advisor. To date, his golf travels have taken him to over two dozen countries and over 500 golf courses worldwide. While he's played some of the most prestigious courses in the world, Tucker's favorite way to play the game is on a great muni in under three hours. Follow Brandon on Twitter at @BrandonTucker and on Instagram at BrandonTuckerGC.