|With the John Daly Alarm Clock, golfers can awaken to the sounds of John Daly waking up, coughing and wondering if he has a tee time. (Graphic by Melissa McEwan)|
Ah, December, a time when peace and love permeate the air. A time when the holiday spirit infects everyone. A time when golfers receive golf gifts they wouldn't use if someone held a gun to their head.
Yes, it's holiday season and golfers know they'll soon be receiving some golf gadget that's more likely to give them lead poisoning than improve their golf games. Over the years we've seen boatloads of these golf products appear on the market, only to scurry back to wherever they came from after golfers realize they are completely worthless.
This year, however, we decided to look outside the box. No more golf ties, or exploding golf balls. No electronic gadgets that make your ball go this way or that. No, this year we are focusing on some seriously bad golf gifts. Golf gifts that will not only make your game worse, but possibly make your life and unlivable hell, as well.
John Daly Golf Alarm Clock: Are you a big John Daly fan? Would you like to start each morning the same way Big John does? Well, now you can. The John Daly Golf Alarm Clock will wake you up every morning to the dulcet sounds of what Daly sounds like waking up. That's right, when the alarm goes off, you'll hear Daly cough and wheeze for 20 minutes. Then you'll get to hear Daly lament his life and blown potential, and wonder if he has a golf tournament to play that day. The perfect gift for the Daly fan that wants to experience mornings just like their favorite golfer.
Professional lessons from David Leadbetter, sponsored by Nike: Add a dozen or so strokes to your game as Leadbetter teaches you the skills that have made Michelle Wie a hero to the 80-and-over (scoring) crowd.
Sam Alexis Woods Used Diaper: Tiger Woods has two driving goals in life - to break Jack Nicklaus' record for winning majors, and to be a billionaire. And he'll stop at nothing to accomplish both. Now you can own a piece of the Woods' dynasty for just $999.99 plus shipping and handling. Supplies of the diapers from the adorable Sam Alexis are currently unlimited.
Rory Sabbatini Golf Alarm Clock: Like the Daly alarm clock, this will wake you up to the soothing sounds of Sabbatini cursing and swearing at you, then blaming the media for making it seem like he was too harsh.
Three-hour conversation with Michelle Wie on world events: Imagine, just you and Michelle Wie in a coffee shop, talking about world events: "Yeah, like I know. Iran is so not cool. You know? It's like, wow. I think it will get better soon, though. Like, it's close. You know? Hold on, I, like, got a text message. Do you like my earrings? They were a gift. ..."
Six-month Alaska golf holiday: In parts of Alaska, it stays light all day for up to six months. This vacation package will give you a six-month stay at a bed and breakfast and all the golf you can play for six months, 24 hours a day. Unless you get eaten by a bear, which is likely.
Golf Book: Play Like Sergio Garcia: Seriously, the book exists. So now you can learn to throw tantrums and choke away leads at huge tournaments, just like Sergio. It'll even teach you how to wear yellow and not feel like a complete dork, and how to properly hock a loogie into a golf hole. And while it won't give you the same success that Garcia has with the ladies, it has one major upside: The book can be purchased for $.01 at Amazon.com.
A Golf Press Conference with real members of the golf media: You dream of being a pro golfer. Well, now's your chance to feel like one of the PGA Tour's top players, as you'll have an official press conference with real members of the golf media like Doug Ferguson of the Associated Press. You'll get biting questions like, "If you were a mollusk, what kind of mollusk would you be?" and "Wow, that Tiger Woods is something. Comments?"
December 21, 2007
William K. Wolfrum keeps one eye on the PGA Tour and another watching golf vacation hotspots and letting travelers in on the best place to vacation. You can follow him on Twitter @Wolfrum.
We all love golf course rankings, but there's quite a bias involved, huh? Host a major championship and you're basically guaranteed a spot on the list. What about the average duffer who's more impressed with the beer list than the slope/rating - or prefers friendliness over the fine, imported lotion in the locker room? Where's our list, hackers? Answer: Right here.
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