Home » Feature Story

This speed-golfing Bush is the only choice

Chris BaldwinBy Chris Baldwin,

George W. BushWe at BadGolfer.com rarely pay attention to presidential elections. With the beer cart girls, the booze and the bogeys, who has time for something so trivial? Really. But it's different this year. We've been shaken out of our usual stupor staring at Mia R from De Lago Golf Club's so completely golf relevant photos and stirred into action.

No self-respecting (or self-loathing) duffer can sit this race out. It's a contest between good and evil, right and wrong, natural and unnatural. It's a contest between a golfer and a windsurfer. That's right a windsurfer. As the Republican National Committee so graciously pointed out in its zany TV ads (we caught them between viewings of Temptation Island or was it Blind Date?). John Kerry is a windsurfer.

As the great Republican governor from California Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, "What are you a girlie man?" (Never mind that Arnold first got his name in a sport where men talked about pumping other men up, we're getting political, which means you only tell the part of the story that suits you. In other words, the usual BadGolfer.com philosophy.)

So there's girlie man Kerry waffling in the wind on his pretty boy board. And then there's our straight-jawed, steely-eyed (OK, squinty-eyed, it was one debate) President taking proud golf swings. You call this Decision 2004? We have a harder time choosing between tissue brands here at BadGolfer.com.

Can it be anyone but the golfer? And yes, in the interest of half disclosure, it's true Kerry also professes to golf. But where's the evidence? Have we ever seen Kerry hitting driver on a ranch in Texas while American troops fought half a world away? Windsurfer boy probably has to ask his billionaire wife for permission to hit the links. Not our W. He goes out there and gets in his swings, rain or shine, Texas or D.C., war or peace.

George W. Bush doesn't just play golf either. He plays bad golf, the only kind you can really respect. W. learned speed golf from his father, and it's the only way he prefers to play. Pity the French diplomats who want a traditional golf meeting with our President. They better get those chicken legs moving. Bush hits a shot and goes, speeding off to follow his ball and quickly hit it again. Thinking? Who needs thinking!

Can you imagine the difference playing with Kerry instead? The senator from Massachusetts would be motionless over his approach shot, nine-iron in one hand, eight-iron in the other. He'd call his caddy over and then not satisfied he'd commission a special nations council of caddies to examine the yardage from every angle. Meanwhile, it's gotten dark and the whole round's shot.

Just try getting a rain check from the clubhouse for that.

And who do you think is out for that waffle-waver round? You! That's right. Kerry's never met a cost he cannot pass onto the taxpayers. Sorry guys, left the wife's purse at home.

Bush? He would have been in the clubhouse hours ago buying cold ones -- and anything harder than that -- for anyone who wanted to remember his fraternity haze days. And if his daughters came by? Whoa, BadGolf.com would have pictures to make Mia R's shots look like Sunday School material. Twins!

Has the choice ever been simpler?

John Kerry Sure, Kerry also plays hockey while Bush is more known for a little National Guard hooky. And? That supposed to be a criticism? BadGolfer.com's been built on guys playing hooky, guys telling their boss they're running to the copy store when they're really headed for three days of golf and tropical beer cart girls in Bora Bora. Hail to the Chief!

Let Kerry drone on and use those big words he loves like "plans." Our choice for president isn't coming up with an 18-hole "plan" for foreign (funny word warning) affairs, the economy and health care. He's attacking the golf course of America, one bogey at a time.

Kerry is the kind of guy who'd adopt Jean Van de Velde as his caddy. Is there anyone who's ever come up hesitatingly shorter in a big spot? Plus, Van de Velde is French, perfect for the foreigner-loving Democratic candidate. (Kerry probably had the gall to still call fried potato slices french fries rather than freedom fries during the early days of the Iraq war.)

W. is the kind of guy who'd adopt Tiger Woods' Steve Williams as his caddy. Someone who understands when force is called for (you didn't see Williams stopping to read that fan his Miranda rights before he yanked the camera from him at the U.S. Open last June). What? You thought Dick Chaney would be Bush's caddy? Please, like the pacemaker's enduring 18 holes of golf. Let alone 18 holes of speed golf. No, Chaney is in an undisclosed bunker off the 17th green.

In closing, it's clear to us at BadGolfer.com which way your vote must go (like we'll actually wake up on Nov. 2 before the polls close). It has to be the guy who loves bad golf, crazy twins and old men hiding in bunkers. You know, everything American and true.

George W., this endorsement's for you.

There's no truth to the rumors Swift Golf Veterans For Truth financed our own trip to Bora Bora. No truth at all.

Chris Baldwin keeps one eye on the PGA Tour and another watching golf vacation hotspots and letting travelers in on the best place to vacation.

Reader Comments / Reviews Leave a comment
  • endorsment of Bush

    Jim Minton wrote on: Oct 27, 2004

    I have cancelled my BadGolf subscript and am now cancelling my subscript with you.
    Even in fun, who could even consider endorsing Bush?
    You have crossed a line between fun and bad taste and poor judgement.
    This is not material for humor, just ask the mother's of our dead soldiers.


      • RE: endorsment of Bush

        x wrote on: Jan 12, 2006

        your a moron.


  • Bush endorsement

    RBeaudry wrote on: Oct 27, 2004

    Now watch this shot. Count me out.


  • Bush

    Agien van 't Hoog wrote on: Oct 26, 2004

    For us Europeans it is frightening to see with what means the voting is influenced. What about integrety of the free press?
    Nationalist Bush looks a whole lot like the barbarian dictators he says he despises. I dare not venture more because my own safety might be jeopardised. Who invented the commom enemy thery only the it was the jews now it is the muslims.Oh my god what free world we live in!.


  • Bush endorsement

    Rich wrote on: Oct 25, 2004

    I really enjoyed your website till I found out you supported that IDIOT Bush. Won't read it again. Man what a dimwhit.


      • RE: Bush endorsement

        Jimbo wrote on: Oct 26, 2004

        Kerry would have to ask Teresa for permission to play golf so his allowance isn't cut off. He is a pasty-faced girlie man. Your article is great. Bush is a man's man. Being a Vietnam Vet, I have to say anyone supporting Kerry has the same morals (none) and integrity (none) as the candidate. Keep up the good work.


          • RE: RE: Bush endorsement

            Tom wrote on: Nov 4, 2004

            The story was great and the responses are classic. I grew up in a "lefty" household and know the deal all too well:
            * happiness is the mark of an idiot
            * life is a tragedy
            * only the intelligent are aware of
            the above statements
            * fraternity boys, golfers,and
            republicans are ugly Americans
            * "good" Americans are cosmopolitan
            and more European
            * the American South is what is
            wrong with America
            * golf clubs are just vestiges of
            * socialism is fair
            * capitalism is unfair
            I could go on and on .... but the reality is that the Red - Blue state battle is really between the city dwellers and those who want land(independence) so they live in towns or suburbs. Control freaks want everybody to live in a big commune and control them through laws and regulations - independent people want their own space and only want laws to preserve their freedom.
            To summarize - lefties hate golf.


Comments Leave a comment