FEATURE STORY

'Caddyshack' quotes:
Making golf even
funnier for the
last 25 years

Taste is often considered subjective, but in fact that's just not true. There's a quick way to determine whether any person has taste: Can he quote freely and liberally from the best golf movie of all time, "Caddyshack?"

Since its release in 1980, the hysterical film about the misadventures of the members and employees of Bushwood Country Club has become one of the most oft-quoted films of all time. From the philosophical ramblings of Zen golfer Ty Webb to the crude one-liners of Bushwood member applicant Al Czervik, "Caddyshack" quotes have become part of America's comedic vernacular.

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It also managed the considerable achievement of making golfers even funnier to watch. So, just in case you're getting rusty on your Caddyshack references, here's a crash course to get you back to word perfect on Carl Spackler's Dalai Lama monologue in no time.

The Players

Al Czervik: Rodney Dangerfield
Judge Smails: Ted Knight
Ty Webb: Chevy Chase
Danny Noonan: Michael O'Keefe
Lou Loomis: Brian Doyle-Murray
Mr. Havercamp: Kenneth Burritt
Carl Spackler: Bill Murray
Spaulding Smails: John F. Barmon Jr.

Carl Spackler

"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

"I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think."

"I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days."

"License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote."

"IT'S IN THE HOLE."

Lou Loomis

"I'm going to put it right on the line. There's been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the course, bad language, smoking grass, poor caddying. If you guys want to get fired. If you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up."

Judge Smails

"It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat."

"I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them."

Ty Webb

"A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish."

"You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body."

"I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball."

Mr. Havercamp

"That's a peach, hon!"

Spaulding Smails

"This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it."

Al Czervik

"Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low-grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it."

"Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid."

"You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?"

Conversations

Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny?
Danny Noonan: Every day.
Ty Webb: Good. Then what's your problem?
Danny Noonan: I don't know.

Spaulding Smails: I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it.

Danny Noonan: I gotta go to college.
Ty Webb: You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.

Danny Noonan: I've always wanted to go to college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Lacey Underall: [to Danny] Nice try.

Lacey Underall: My uncle says you've got a screw loose.
Ty Webb: Your uncle molests collies