Wolfrum Alpha is the creation of golf blogger and martial-arts specialist William K. Wolfrum. (Photo Graphic by Melissa McEwan)

Wolfrum Alpha puts new spin on Golfer Supremacy Rankings

By William K. Wolfrum,
Contributor

As most of you are likely not aware, I belong to a long-time golf rankings system known humbly as "The Golfer Supremacy Rankings." The GSRs - as the cool kids call it - have been around for several years, and have been acclaimed by some of the greats in the golf writing world, including ESPN's Jason Sobel.

"I have no idea what this is all about," said Sobel.

So while the GSRs have long held a reputation for accuracy, few have given it the credit it deserves, or even bothered to read it. But that should all change soon, as the GSRs become the nation's first golf ranking system to use the new search engine Wolfrum Alpha as a research tool.

Wolfrum Alpha was created by yours truly, to act as golf-related competition to the over-hyped "Wolfram Alpha." Here's what the original press release about Wolfrum Alpha had to say:

Long-time followers of this blog are well aware that I, William K. Wolfrum, have a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of all things golf. For years, I have taken this incredible knowledge for granted, but now I have decided to do something about it, by creating "Wolfrum Alpha" the newest and most important golf blog research tool in the history of humankind.

Wolfram Alpha is the first step in an ambitious, long-term, slightly insane project to make all systematic golf knowledge immediately computable by anyone. All you need to do is input a golf question into the comment field below, and my built-in algorithms will compute the answer.

Now, some will say that the GSRs are perfect the way they are. After all, what other golf ranking system has seen the likes of George W. Bush and Michelle Wie share its top spot after using the controversial Diebold Election System? Which other golf ranking system ranked spiritualist Deepak Chopra for their top golfer?

But we at the GSRs were not satisfied. We needed more. We were looking for that one thing we knew we were missing - facts. Which is why we've now teamed with Wolfrum Alpha.

The beauty of Wolfrum Alpha is that it has the answers to all golf questions. Most of those answers are terribly incorrect, but please note, it's still an ongoing process. For instance, asking Wolfrum Alpha a simple question can sometimes get a complex answer:

Question: Who was Jack Nicklaus?

Wolfrum Alpha: Gamma(x^2)proportional(2^(1/2-(left floor)(pi+arg(x^2))/(2 pi)(right floor)) exp(-x^2-i pi (left floor)(pi+arg(x^2))/(2 pi)(right floor)+1/2 sum_(k=0)^infinity((x^2)^(-1-2 k) B_(2+2 k))/(1+3 k+2 k^2)) sqrt(pi) (e^(i pi (left floor)(pi+arg(x^2))/(2 pi)(right floor)) x^2)^(1/2+x^2) csc^((left floor)(pi+arg(x^2))/(2 pi)(right floor))(pi x^2))/x^2 for ((x^2(not element)Z or x^2>=1) and |x|^2->infinity)

Ok, see, I don't even know what that means. I'll let the mathematicians decide whether or not that formula is an accurate description of the great Nicklaus.

Nonethless, Wolfrum Alpha promises to grow and grow until it has archived all golf information on the planet. How will it do this, you ask? Well, Wolfrum Alpha takes all golf questions and answers and then copyrights them. Yes, soon all the golf knowledge in the world will be the sole intellectual property of Wolfrum Alpha, and you'll have to get consent for any golf question, up to and including "when's my tee time today?"

Why is Wolfrum Alpha doing this and why is it focused solely on golf? Well, if you have to ask that, you'll never truly understand the golf-rankings super villainy. But what's more important is to to know that the power of Wolfrum Alpha will now help motor the Golfer Supremacy Rankings.

Yes, my friends, now the venerable golf rankings system will be known for more than being the first to ever mention Rihanna. The Golfer Supremacy Rankings will soon return, and this time it will be powered by a search engine that not only has been programmed to know everything about golf, but also has a minor take-over-the-world complex. And for us at the GSRs, there couldn't be a better fit.

June 4, 2009

William K. Wolfrum keeps one eye on the PGA Tour and another watching golf vacation hotspots and letting travelers in on the best place to vacation. You can follow him on Twitter @Wolfrum.