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There's no other sport where a man's balls are more important than in golf

By Nicole Kallis,

There's no other sport - not soccer, basketball, football, baseball, volleyball or tennis - where a man addresses his balls with such emotion as in golf. It's a colorful sport, (just look at Jasper Parnevik) and the language used is just as colorful.

Yes, those hard, round and usually white dimply little things bring out the most extreme behavior in almost all men and women. They come packaged three to four in a sleeve and cost as much as $7 or more for each ball. That's $21 bucks for sleeve. Cart girls have no sympathy for you when you complain about the price of a beer.

"These balls suck," I have heard men exclaim and some guys will even chuck with certain disgust, all three brand new ones from a fresh sleeve into the bushes and open a brand new box just because the first one went AWOL on them. There's apparently a superstition, (men are very superstitious) that says: All golf balls from the same sleeve will follow each other, particularly into the water or ball-eating bushes out of bounds.

I jump off my beverage cart when I'm lucky enough to see where these brand-new balls were set free and I snatch them up. To me it would be akin to driving past a $20 bill and not picking it up.

As a cart girl, I hear the guys say so many things to their balls. Were these expressions said anywhere else but a golf course? They would certainly shock oh, hmmm, lets say my conservative mother.

A saying I like a lot is the one that's often said on a man's approach shot to the green. This is the only time a man EVER wants to say these three words: "Bite, you bitch!"

I remember one time seeing a man with his back to me, his arm pumping furiously up and down around waist high in front of himself saying "Oh, man, I've got some dirty balls." It wasn't until he turned around that I saw that he was actually washing his golf balls.

I've have heard men teeing off over water ask their friend to toss them a "dog ball." I'm not sure why they're called this, but I do have a dog and he loves to chase balls, especially into the water. The bummer is my dog can't swim and I usually have to jump in after to save him.

New balls, particularly expensive new ones, seem to have a mind of their own. It's with extreme enthusiasm that they bee-line for the deepest part of the pond, lake, ocean etc., so you never want to train your new dogs, oops, I mean balls, by teeing them up for the first time on a water shot.

Balls that don't do as they are supposed to (which is fly straight, long and land in the fairway) are often called any one of the following: "son of a bitch" or "bad ball" and even "you piece of s***!" That one is my all-time favorite. Golfers tend not to use their really big words on the course, so it's rare when you hear a guy calling his ball "a motherless spheroid."

It's just a little too fancy and it's not like he's trying to impress his overweight balding friend or anything. Rarely will you hear men plead or coax: "now do it for Daddy!" or "you best go in the hole" or "you like water? I'll show you water!"

Many men, especially marshals, older gents and beverage cart girls love to go ball hunting. Hey, every dollar saved is a dollar earned, so by this account, they're making money.

By the way, first rule of golf ball hunting etiquette is to let a lost ball come to rest before pocketing it. If it lands in the rough, chances are the guy who hit it in there while you are ball hunting won't find it anyway, but don't let him dare see you pick it up or you might go home with a few less balls than you came out with.

I have heard ball hunters say: "come to Daddy!" or "Happy Easter to me!" Around December this changes to "Merry Christmas to me" as he comes out from the bushes with his pockets loaded with OPB's (other people's balls).

Some golfers ask cart girls to do the darnedest things to their balls. Believe it or not, about once a week, a golfer will ask me to kiss his ball for good luck. A pointer for cart girls who don't mind kissing golfers' balls for good luck: Don't do it unless you're able to wash the ball and your hands.

Girls, you should also make him promise to hit the ball after you have done this favor for him as, chances are, he'll just put the ball in his pocket to tease all his friends for the rest of the day. I know this from experience.

You also don't know where most golfers' balls have been. Some balls they have we fished out from weeks or months of marinating in recycled pond water and you have no idea how many chemicals the greens keepers have to use to keep those fairways so beautiful. So wash those balls.

OK, true story. The owner of the club I work for was playing with his friends during a tournament and one of his buddies said to me, "the chief is having a hard time out here today. Would you kiss his balls for him?" The best technique is not to use the ball washer (again recycled water, yuck, bad for you), but to wet your finger with a little saliva and wipe the ball with a napkin, then kiss it.

So in slow-mo, I did the above and then went over to the tee box and, bending at the waist, teed the ball up for him. Up until that day, I had only seen Adam Sandler do the running approach to hit the ball as performed in the movie "Happy Gilmore." The Chief not only executed the performance, but also hit the be-Jesus out of the ball. I refused all other kisses for the remainder of the afternoon.

Cart girls, remember this: You will either totally screw up the golfer's shot (however, make his whole day) or he will hit the most incredible shot of his life and talk about you and that kiss of yours for the rest of his life.

Wash your hands right afterward. I keep a rinse-less hand sanitizer with me at all times. You could also use the hand sanitizer to wash the ball, but the finger in the mouth is way sexier.

As a cart girl, I get asked the following daily: "Have you seen my balls?" Or "would you pick up my ball for me?" And then there's my favorite, "would you like to hit my balls?" My poor mother just wouldn't understand any of it if I had my cell on speakerphone.

Golf companies love to brag about their balls in hopes that you'll buy them. As golfers are well aware, it's all very mental on the playing field and it's no different on the advertising end.

But no matter what the big, smart golf psychologists say about your dimpled little friend, no man can have bigger balls than any other man. It's one-size-fits-all and there are no exceptions.

The descriptions really sounds kind of sexual if you ask me, but then again, I could probably turn anything into an innuendo - if you haven't guessed that by now.

They all love to say that by using their balls; your performance will radically rise above all others. I researched the following when I went into a golf shop and read more golf ball boxes than I probably ever will again in my life.

Callaway tells us that "a better game starts with a better ball" or "satisfy your need for speed," - even "go long, really long" and "big power, big performance." Pinnacle loves to say, "hard core" in its ads.

My mind goes straight to the gutter.

Strata says, "one hop and stop control." Say that again, "one hop and stop control." Nike brags, "faster core, longer distance, the spin mix of length, action and durability," woo, woo!

Precept Laddie has a really good one: "softer muscle, fiber core and ultimate distance with exceptional feel." I LOVE the Precept Lady slogan which simply states: "forever long." Isn't it the truth?

But my favorite of all is Noodle, which simply states on the box, "long and soft." (Nothing like a challenge, I say.) If you don't believe me, go read these boxes yourself.

Okay, Mom, I'm hanging up the phone now. It actually all makes sense when you're out on the course, but some of the things guys say to their balls still catch me off guard. Like I said, it's a colorful sport with a lot of colorful language and behavior and a lot of balls to choose from.

And just remember this: If you decide to try a different type of ball, your old balls will never be offended and you can always go back to them if you don't like the new ones.

Happy playing and try not to lose your balls, Yeowch!

Reader Comments / Reviews Leave a comment
  • so when is the sitcom????

    Hous bin Fard'een wrote on: Jan 21, 2007

    surely you must know someone who would be willing to do a sitcom starring yourself. well, don't you????


  • Beer Cart Girls

    Johnny wrote on: Jun 27, 2005

    I found a link to you site at fireme.org
    I never knew that there was such dedication and devotement to beer cart girls.
    My only complaint is that they don't come around every hole. That's how I play, a beer a hole. My game is so crappy that by the 18th hole, I really don't care anymore.


  • Nicole

    Earl Dixon wrote on: Jun 22, 2005

    You are without a doubt the GREATEST cart girl that ever graced the Hollowed grounds of Mt. Woodson golf course. I shall forever be in love with you. Huggs Earl


      • RE: Nicole

        tee time girl wrote on: Jun 22, 2005

        Thanks Earl and I'll keep the O'Doules cold for ya!


  • Thirsty Girl Promotion

    Chris wrote on: Jun 20, 2005

    Nicole, I'm so impressed with the promotion you've done for the book. You're an inspiration! What I now realize is -- I never got a copy. I tried ordering one, but I was too far ahead of the pub date, and you told me to hold off. I did! Now I hope it's not too late to buy one. It sounds like you've sold out the print run. The columns are great. Don't make the hiatus too long!


      • RE: Thirsty Girl Promotion

        Tee Time Girl wrote on: Jun 20, 2005

        Chris, don't hold off any longer... the book is available everywhere, From Borders, Barnes and Noble, Amazon.com and my website, www.teetimegirl.com and it will be available for the rest of my life... I will never run out and more can always be printed. The book has only just begun to grow in popularity and has a long way to go... spread the word... buy the book, "Secrets of a Tee Time Girl".


  • Thirsty Girl

    Kenny D wrote on: Jun 19, 2005

    Hi Nicole,
    It was great to see you at your book signing at Seau’s last week – and looking mighty fine, as always. I simply had to bring my copy in for signing to complete the TeeTime Girl experience (well...almost). I've been raving about the book with golf buddies, but they'll have to get their own copy! Golf rounds can be good and bad but you always leave a lasting smile for those of us fortunate enough to encounter your pleasure wagon on the course. Best of success...and a 'warm hand' when you need it!


  • observations

    Uncle Al wrote on: Jun 19, 2005

    In the game of life, the girl with the most balls wins.
    proud of you
    love Al


  • Balls

    Lucetta wrote on: Jun 19, 2005

    Nicole: your article was way tight.
    Loved every word. What a finale for your magazine. Readers must love you as well as they love the game: GOLF!


  • OPBs

    Karen Linden wrote on: Jun 18, 2005

    Hi, Nicole! It was really great meeting you at the book signing at Seau's. This was a cute column. On what other subject can you squeeze that many double entendres into a just a few paragraphs!? My husband loves to play with OPBs but I only like to play with HIS... ;-) Hope you have time to write some more columns soon! K+


      • RE: OPBs

        Nicole wrote on: Aug 30, 2005

        I am just so glad that someone picked up on OPB's as I kind of thought it rather funny. Thanks K.


  • TeeTime Girl

    Jim Dunlap wrote on: Jun 16, 2005

    As an occasional customer who would be a course regular if my wife didn't wonder why I always picked a course nearly an hour's drive away, I can testify that Nicole can walk the walk as well as she talks (and writes) the talk. In addition to her mixology skills - and the eye appeal visable in her column photo - it's worth the time to let her hit a few tee shots during drink stops. People complain about Sergio's interminable waggles, but I've never heard a whimper about Nicole's. (Well, maybe some muffled groans and mumbled fantasies). Sadly, I missed the photo shoot above, but hope springs eternal...as she well knows.


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