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Tee Time Girl tells you how to score on your golf date

By Nicole Kallis,
Correspondent

Tee Time GirlWhile fantasy golf has become a game played by the masses, the golf fantasy of playing around during or after playing a round is like getting a happy ending after an awesome full-body massage.

I believe a golf date can end in bedroom success and I have a few secrets you might want to hear if you're considering this totally sexy date. There are certain elements about the girl that you must know beforehand and you must also be willing to completely remove the concentration aspect of trying to play the most incredible game of your life right out of the entire day.

If you can't do this or if you feel it would be a complete waste of a green fee and day off, then don't take a girl to the course to fool around, oops, I mean play a round. She'll be turned off when you swear at your balls and throw your clubs around and won't be impressed when you try to show her the long ball and you shank it into the forest, thus leaving her for too much time while you search for your balls.

Golf-course dating should be all about watching her tee up, enjoying her waggle, and getting some quality on-course snuggle action that can lead to so much more! I have some helpful tips for you, and I will explain in detail the how-to and results.

First, you have to know a few things about your date or this will never work. So for obvious reasons, don't take a girl golfing on a first date.

The No. 1 thing you need to know is: Does she play golf? If you're looking to score, it's important that she has an interest in the game and some experience, but not be too good at it. If she's good, then she's not going to be impressed with your golf prowess and she'll also tend to be competitive and hypercritical of herself rather than out to have a good time. Neither is good for golf romance.

Naughty or Nice?

The No. 2 thing is to find out if she's strictly a nice girl or does she have a naughty side? You can do this by e-mailing her or when you talk on the phone. Ask her what she's wearing. If she's into you or has a naughty streak, she'll answer with something sexy.

As lame as we think the game is (and we all think the game is lame), if we want you, we'll tease you a little - or a lot. But don't ask more than three times, ever. We'll get bored.

Tell her how much you love to golf and, if you're any good, somehow slip in that you've won a lot of tournaments. Also tell her that you hate how conservative you find women's golf clothing to be. Trust me, that's as big a hint as you'll need to drop. She'll show up at the course wearing something that will make men's jaws fall to the ground.

Verbal or written foreplay is key here, and remember, it will be the two of you for a good four or five hours, talking and flirting and teasing. Now, here's an important part of the set up: She wants a gentleman and a bad boy. You need to find the right combination, but I'll detail that aspect more later.

Is she ready for the date? If she is, and you're going to have to ask, then make sure you take her to a public course on a fairly busy day.

Walking the course is a good idea, but if they have carts, she'll wonder why you didn't want to splurge to get one.

Decide if you want to meet her at the course or if you're going to pick her up. It's probably a good idea to drive as she might be having a few cocktails during the round, but who knows, you might get lucky without the liquor.

You'll also need to know if she has her own clubs. If she needs to rent them, make sure the club you chose has rentals or borrow a set from someone you know.

Those Lips, Those Eyes

Tee Time GirlAt the course, make sure you're both there an hour before your tee time. Try to arrive first so your clubs will already be at the practice range before you meet up with her.

When you see her, don't smile at first. Stare into her lips and then slowly raise your eyes to meet hers and hold it for three seconds. Then let a sly smile cross your face and don't break eye contact. Lean into her and tell her in a low voice that she looks hot and that she should design a fashion line for women's golf apparel.

Now, the bad boy. Take her hand and her clubs if she's got them and walk her to the practice range. Drop the clubs, but remain connected and slowly stroll her to check in and only answer questions when asked, otherwise, silence. Maybe point out a pretty flower or a squirrel.

After check in, see if she'd like to get a soda or beer and then tell her to go get a bucket of balls and find a spot while you get the drinks. Get yourself a beer or Bloody Mary. If she's disgusted, then she's not the girl for you, but don't lose hope. If you're an alcoholic, you better make sure she is too.

When you get back to her, tell her to take a few swings and tell her you're going to make a few suggestions on the practice range, but once you're out on the course all golf lessons are off. If she has little experience with the game, tell her there will be an etiquette lesson at every hole - whether she wants it or not - and that there's going to be a test at the end of the day. Bad, bad boy.

See how we're mixing the teacher-student fantasy thing into this? OK, so she takes a couple of swings and hits the ball out there. If she's nervous, you'll know it and that's a really good sign.

Then, it's time for her lesson. Take a club and stand in front of her and tell her to mirror you. Get a ball and put it down, bending at the waist. She does the same and you get a nice view. Don't let her see this.

From Bad Boy to Gentleman

Now, with every bad boy bit of golf language, show her how to swing the club back - you know, tell her to "grip the shaft" and how firm or loose. Tell her to "cock her wrists" and how to draw the club back - "up and down" and to "take it back slow." You know the drill.

After she takes two or three shots, ask her if she'd mind if you got behind her to show her a few things. Don't thrust into her and don't use any more bad-boy language. Now, you're completely professional and a total gentleman.

Just take your hands around her back and grip the club with her, move her arms in the proper swing position remember to do all of this very, very slowly. Show her where her follow-through needs to end up and that's it. After she takes a few more swings it's your turn to hit four or five balls and then move on to the putting green. By the end of this, it should be your tee time, if you plan it all right.

One hole one, be ready for her first etiquette lesson. Her lessons are only for her to hear so as not to embarrass her in front of whatever twosome you're paired with.

When you drive your ball on this day, your goal isn't to crush the ball as far as it will go. It's imperative that you stay in the fairway or close to it at all times. She'll automatically be impressed by your accuracy and your distance will always far exceed her drives anyway. Spend time helping her look for her balls, not her looking for yours.

After being a total gentleman, around the fourth hole or any hole thereabout where there is a wait to tee off, ask her if she's ever snuggled on the golf course. You don't need her answer.

You do need a bench on the tee box, which you will straddle and pull her in to sit the same way in front of you. It's like spooning, but you're sitting. Wrap your arms around her waist and hold her softly. She'll get goose bumps and get very warm. Trust me, there is no other response a woman can have when a man takes control like that.

The Art of Driving Her Crazy

Lean your head in close to hers after 30 seconds and, in a low voice, tell her how good her hair smells. If you've shaved, which you should have unless you have a beard, let your cheek sort of brush hers. Then just sit there and let her feel safe. Bad Boy, gentleman, bad boy and gentleman - you get the idea.

The art of driving a woman crazy is pacing. You've got hours left to play this game and if she's responding, the sky is the limit to what can happen.

If she's not responding, get up and get a drink of water or sip soda and then put distance between the two of you. If she liked what was happening, trust me, she'll find a way to get more. If she didn't like it, then you need to tell her a very funny dirty golf joke to re-break the ice.

No woman likes to be ignored unless she really isn't into you. Hopefully, you knew the answer to this before you started this date. If you're only finding out now, then it's golf game on for you and golf date politely off.

If she wants it back on, and you're agreeable to it, then the rules get tougher for her as she's been a bad girl. Now you tell her about her stroking technique. Remind her of the test she's going to take later and ask her if she'd like a pop quiz right now behind some shaded rocks. If she agrees to the second option, ask her, "My place, or yours?"

Now you call her bluff; now you seal the deal. Good luck and let me know if this gives you any ideas. I want to hear from you so hit that comment button, whether it's to comment, tell me about your date or just to ask Doctor Nicole anything at all.

 
Reader Comments / Reviews Leave a comment
  • great put-down

    Chuck wrote on: Aug 25, 2005

    Back in the middle ages, my wife and I went to Pinehurst for a golf package. It was the week or two after Hale Irwin won the US Open and the course was still in good shape. We had a great time and a couple weeks later, after returning home to Orlando, I was playing with two buddies when a friend of theirs joined us. After a few holes, this friend noticed my Pinehurst bagtag and asked my about my trip there. I really laid it on about how "cool" I was that I could have gone to Pinehurst, he asked me it I had received the bronze doorstop of the little boy and dog. I mentioned I had gotten only the bagtag. He looked at me for a long half-minute, and then explained after realizing the reason,"oh, you didn't buy a condo,did you? It was the best put-down I've ever had and we all laughed about it.

    Reply

  • Golf Date

    Karen Linden wrote on: Jul 15, 2005

    Great fantasy date, Nicole. It's probably just fantasy, I fear. Most guys can't tell their "bad boy" self from their "gentleman" self and, if they can, they're not on speaking terms with each other! I loved meeting you at the book signing. (Thanks for the great "review"!) I hope you're working on your next column! K+

    Reply

  • I'll golf with U anyday

    HIIAKA wrote on: Jun 6, 2005

    I am interested in taking golfing lessons from Dr. Nicole. I find your tips quite interesting! YEAH BABY!!!

    Reply

  • Hooray for Cart Girls!

    Jason Pachura wrote on: May 28, 2005

    "...like getting a happy ending after an awesome full-body massage."
    Makes me want to take up golfing :)

    Reply