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Tee Time Girl ready to help with your length

By Nicole Kallis,
Correspondent

Tee Time GirlYep, it's all about sex isn't it?

It has been said that the term "dick" when speaking of golf, refers to how far your ball travels through the air until its point of rest. As the golf club is hypothetically seen an extension of the male's, well … you know, we can concur that the ball's flight would be the continuation of that extension and thus giving man, (any man, small, tall, thick or fit), the ability to have the longest dick of all.

There's nothing like hitting the long ball and having the other guys in your foursome say, "You are so huge!" - though it's better when the cart girl is there to tell you instead.

Then there's the ever-famous shot called the "Dick Out" where if you can't hit your ball past the ladies tee, or as some say, the length of your own appendage. When this happens, you have to play your next shot with your dick out to prove you're not a woman.

As a cart girl, I've yet to see any man actually do this; even when I ever so sweetly and innocently call them on it and say, "now, don't you have to drop 'em?" after they swing and their tee shot dribbles 10 feet off the box.

The other guys laugh hysterically and come over to buy something from my cart. The humiliated woman/man tees up for their mulligan after an exaggerated courtesy laugh. They also break down after their third shot and, according to the laws of golf, buy a beer to drown the sorrow.

The need to have the longest dick is also necessary for guys who just don't have any balls. For a man, it's so much better to go long then be an "Alice" or a "Nancy" and puss out. If you go limp up on the green instead of over-shooting it, you've got "no balls."

Imagine, you've got a 30-foot putt and you come up short - and I mean 10 feet short of the hole. The guys you're playing with are going to berate you like there's no tomorrow.

"Why didn't you hit it, you woman!" Then again, if you're playing with just the guys, more than likely they will try to call you a woman for everything you do, (as long as there aren't any women around).

‘That's All You've Got?'

If you're standing over your ball on the tee box with your 6-iron or 5-wood and your address and set up are taking forever - tapping the grass 10 times and bouncing up and down or whatever other ridiculous thing you feel you have to do before you try to crush it - and then shank your ball into the bushes, you'll never hear the end of it.

"You wasted all that time for that piece of (expletive) shot, you Alice. Next time hit your driver, you Lilly! That's all you've got? I could have hit it farther with a pitching wedge!"

No man ever wants to be without external genitals and even gay men are sensitive to being called a woman on the golf course. You still have to be macho while taking the least amount of strokes necessary to ‘get you off' and on to the next hole.

You take it up your you-know-what from the other guys when you always play it safe or like a woman. It takes a brave man to recover from a limp dick.

The common goal of a par 3 is trying to get your dick in the hole in one shot. This honor is one most men will never achieve, yet some guys remarkably have done it several times! In my years as a cart girl, I've never seen any golfer conquer this shot either, though I personally did hit a shot that landed one inch from the hole.

While I don't physically possess a dick of my own, I do love the feel of my own golf dick sailing off into the fairway or sticking on the green. Oh my God, I declare I must have penis envy! (Most women do.) It's a totally macho feeling - and I believe that golf is really not about your balls, but about how perfectly you can control your dick.

It doesn't matter if your playing with a Noodle (soft feel, long distance), Titleist Pro-V I (that V that comes up in golf again and again), Pinnacle (or as I like to call it: Pin Nicole), Top Flight (Dog ball by the standards of any macho man and they'd tell you to leave it in the bushes when ball hunting), Nike (Tiger endorsed) or a Pre-cept (the ball that makes you preconceive where you will land on the course). Whatever.

Give a pro golfer any ball at all, even a Top Flight, and give yourself the ball of your choice and trust me, most likely his dick is going to go longer, straighter and harder than yours. Why? Because there is a very good reason pro golfers are called professionals; they have incredible dick control.

‘Hold the Shaft Firmly'

Now, back to the sex thing - and there's a ton more to be said about it - so "bare" with me. I mean the sexual overtone in golf is far from subtle. We only need to look at the words and phrases thought up to discuss and describe the game and parts within it to see a confirmation of men's obsession with sex carried over into the equipment, fairways, greens, tee boxes, roughs, clubhouses and even at home when calling the clubhouse for your next tee time.

I remember my first lesson ever when the instructor said, "Nicole, hold the shaft firmly, but not so tight as to tense your whole body …loose, but firm; just so the shaft doesn't slip out of your hands. Now bend at the waist and make sure your butt is sticking out. Keep your arms straight and your head down. Cock your wrists on your back swing and don't release that cock until you are almost through your downward thrust so you can achieve that final snap to get the maximum distance and fullest release result from your balls as you hit them."

From there on out, I was addicted to golf. What a funny game.

Since my first lesson, it's been hard for me not to correlate pretty much all the terms used for golf as something sexual and I know I'm not alone. Just look at the following list of golf terms: Fore, play, in the bush, wood, swing, fast, hard, lie, shaft, waggle, soft hands, firm grip, hole-in-one, in and out, worm burner, short game, long club, head, bend, choke down, birdie, cock, the V (which has so many sexual indications, the V in your hands, the V in the cleavage of a woman when she grips the club, the V and the butt end of the club points up toward the woman's V and more), power, hooker, slice, slope, bend, straight, ball eating bushes, stick, shank and the list goes on and on.

I'm not sure if I have time to go into how men talk to their balls (out loud of course), but the one line I hear 20 times a day is, "GET IN THE HOLE!" and sometimes repeatedly in a soft begging voice, "get in the hole, get in the hole, please get in the hole."

Golf Club Envy

Look, I didn't make this stuff up, you did. Men love a good game, physical and mental. They have been kings of conquest since the beginning of time, even back to the caveman days when Lugg would drag his massive billy club around with him like a small child would drag his favorite blanket: (said in caveman low grunting talk) "Club for hunt, find woman, build fire and play game with friend Mogo to win all hunting skins." (OK, end the cave-man talk here.)

Where the caveman went, his club was always in hand. A man's club is an extension of himself, if you will, and the bigger the club, the more macho the man. It's true even more so today. A bigger golf head can potentially lead to a longer dick and thus, help man to get his dick in the hole first.

The eternal conquest - will he ever win? Perhaps, but then he must conquer again.

 
Reader Comments / Reviews Leave a comment
  • 19th and 20th HOLES

    big ol` WOODY wrote on: Jun 16, 2005

    Nicole,
    Thanks again for the HUMMER "between HOLES"the ice cold Coooors and the nice warm Schlitz,You are the 19th and 20th holes!
    love,your ol` pal woody

    Reply

  • Holy Sh*t

    Michael Reagan wrote on: May 25, 2005

    If they can ever clone a girl as hot and sexy as Nicole, I will take 4 of them. She makes those dreaded 6 hours rounds almost worth it. She is destined to be a star.

    Reply

  • Help with my length?

    Dave Warner wrote on: May 5, 2005

    Nicole,
    Maybe I can help you with your length someday. Who am I? Let me refresh your memory. Saturday afternoon, 17th hole, you pull a 3 wood out of my bag and proceed to lose 3 of my balls off the tee. I should have called the "-ick Out" rule on you. I don't think any of the 3 got out of the tee box area. So I guess you were correct when you stated,"it's proportional to the length of your own appendage." By the way my drive ended up on the right hand edge of the green, rather, "HUGE" wouldn't you agree?
    It was nice to meet you, good luck with the book, hopefully I'll see you soon out on the coarse.
    Regards,
    Dave
    P.S. Loosen your grip on the shaft if you want to get more "_ick" in the future.

    Reply

  • cart girl

    mike wrote on: May 5, 2005

    Thanks for the cold beer and a warm hart you made are round more injoyable see you next time...Mike

    Reply

  • Nicole's column

    Roger wrote on: Apr 29, 2005

    Great writing... and far too true. I can't count the number of times I've been asked, after my tee shot ALMOST reaches the women's tees, "Does your husband play, too?" Looking forward to more from Nicole!

    Reply

  • Your article

    Bob Garringer wrote on: Apr 26, 2005

    I continue to be impressed! I liked your book, and now I love your article. Everywhere I play, I tell the local cart girls about your book. They usually say something like "Yeh...I think I heard of her...but I could never do that!" I always respond: "Sure you can...you can do anything that you put your mind to." I think you are an inspiration,(and your picture is pretty hot too!) Let me know when I can expect a calender! BG

    Reply

  • Mercy

    Rich D wrote on: Apr 24, 2005

    In the immortal words of Tin Cup and all bad golfers around the world. We have a winner. Darling keep up the good work. There's not a man alive that can keep up with such wit. I loved your article. Please keep up the good work and never mind the sexual overtones it is clearly immortal......

    Reply

  • cart girl

    Perry wrote on: Apr 22, 2005

    Nicole Kallis, you rock! Keep up the great articles.

    Reply

      • RE: cart girl

        Patrick Nichols wrote on: Aug 28, 2009

        O.K. great where is this Lauren Elkins anyway?

        Reply

  • A Hole In One

    Larry Leichman wrote on: Apr 13, 2005

    These columns are great, Nicole -- aaabsolutely hilarious. Brilliant! And your "Tee Time" book is by far the funniest book I've ever read on golf. I bought thirty copies to give out to friends and clients. I've even invited some clients to California to come play with me and meet the author where you work! You're a terrific draw, a marvelous writer, and I can't wait for your next column and your next book. I wish you much success!

    Reply

  • Nicole

    Michael wrote on: Apr 13, 2005

    There is no fine cart girl, beer wench, drink hottie, just plain hottie as Nicole. She rocks!!!!! Her service on the course is marvelous. "You try and putt or hit a shot after she serves you a cold one" Talk about a stiff shaft!!!!
    This chick transcends the golf industry. If they ever break the mold for a cart girl it is her. Long live the 5 hour rounds when she is on the cart.
    Peace,

    Reply

  • Nice story. And your swing isn't bad either

    Joe wrote on: Apr 12, 2005

    Nicole, We met today on the course and I have to tell you how much fun it was talking to you. (The tequila helps.) Your picture is very sexy, and your article is a riot. I'm looking forward to reading more, and I hope to see you again soon.

    Reply

  • Tee-time Girl as outsider/insider

    Harry W. Crosby wrote on: Apr 12, 2005

    Dear Nicole, first I gotta confess I've never had a golf club in my hand in a life too long to reveal, but the world you've chosen to adorn, and kid, and reveal, and, let's face it, rather revel in, is not golf at all, or at least not exclusively. It's a man's fantasy world (they basically aspire to no other kind), and about as basic and universal as they get. Men dream and drool at a largely man-conceived delusion that there are all sorts of young, sexy, sassy women just as hot for a romp as they are. Now, the fact that such women are hell-for-scarce doesn't faze the dreamers; those dreams are simply articles of the male faith. So they go days, weeks, months, years with no reinforcement of that faith, and yet it remains as strong as ever. Now, deep breath here, you come along and fill the role! (At least part way: you flaunt your wares and hand 'em the comebacks they've dreampt about since time memorial. And even better yet, some of these guys at least have senses of humor. You crack them up with your hyper-realistic sketches of their fellow buffoons in action. They read you and maybe acknowledge (with Puck) "What fools these mortals be!" but they can go right on looking at you and reading you and dreaming about the inside of your thighs and it will never end. You have tapped the mother of all wells, Male Fantasy. Fine tune your message (well, I guess I mean "coarse tune" it), and you should be able to pump it forever 'cuz baby, Maleness ain't going away until that side of the species is extinct (which is another topic for another day!). Harry

    Reply

  • Cart Girl

    Stan wrote on: Apr 12, 2005

    Sterotypes don't get here by accident!
    We create them!
    Stan ;?)

    Reply

  • Nicole

    Tyler wrote on: Apr 12, 2005

    Wow, Naked, nice snacks like to try someday email me you hotty

    Reply

  • qweasd

    jdoe wrote on: Apr 12, 2005

    qweasd

    Reply

  • Fun Read!

    Donald wrote on: Apr 11, 2005

    Nicole's article is a real kick. She should keep "it" up More photos will make that easy.

    Reply

  • First Timer

    Ed Dominick wrote on: Apr 10, 2005

    Nicole,
    Great Smile!!!!! Enjoyed your column. Gave me another way to look at golf. I think of "it" every 17 seconds.
    Fm: A miniature golfer

    Reply

  • Great column!

    Don wrote on: Apr 10, 2005

    Nicole, I really enjoyed your April 4th article. Fantastic!
    I sent your link to my old high school friends in Wisconsin. Perhaps they can add some Cheese head material to your future efforts.
    Best regards, Don in San Diego

    Reply

      • RE: Great column!

        ttg wrote on: Apr 10, 2005

        Thanks. Make sure to send them to my site too at www.teetimegirl.com so they can get my book!

        Reply

  • great column!

    hotasianguy wrote on: Apr 9, 2005

    Hey hot ttg, you're such a genius! ahaha Golf just got more interesting. By the way, nice pic!
    www.teetimegirl.com
    check it out yall!!!
    ~R

    Reply

  • Oh my...

    Ernie wrote on: Apr 9, 2005

    ...I'm left with the thought, has it been longer since I've played golf?...or had sex? Both are so fun!...how long has it I really been since I've had so much fun? We'll take a quick commercial break and we'll be back after this message...as for my answer, well?...Golf of course! What a funny and entertaining article, thanks for the laughs "Cart Girl"!...hey sports is meant to be fun and competitive...and so is sex...so both do go hand and hand! Keep'em coming...the articles of course!

    Reply

  • woman golfer

    Leslie wrote on: Apr 9, 2005

    You probably are not that much of a woman if you can't handle Nicole's wiritngs. You probably are not that much of a golfer either! Nicole, where can I get a signed copy of your book?

    Reply

      • RE: woman golfer

        ttg wrote on: Apr 9, 2005

        www.teetimegirl.com
        Thank You!!!

        Reply

  • Woody

    Stephanie wrote on: Apr 9, 2005

    Did you get teased during your school years? Why would you write such a false statement. Do you know Nicole personally? Instead of worrying about Nicole's body (which I can say I personally know it is "hot" in person,) try worrying about finding a new name for yourself.

    Reply

  • Great book, great column

    Jonathan wrote on: Apr 9, 2005

    I've seen Nicole's book since its early stages, and think it's fantastic. The column has just as much irrepressible humor and salty wit. Keep going! I want to see the next column.

    Reply

      • RE: Great book, great column

        ttg wrote on: Apr 9, 2005

        And it's a thriller to say the least Jonny!

        Reply

  • tee time girl goes *bad*

    Karen & Steve Linden, Alpine CA wrote on: Apr 8, 2005

    Nicole: Good job. Every passion has it's jargon and it's ALWAYS about SEX. (Computers and card players "go down"; electrical connectors are "male or female" baseball players want to "get to 1st base.") Some of these readers need to get a life. I mean you're a Cart Girl (and an Author) not a Victoria's Secret model or a nun. If your thighs look chubby, blame the photographer! The calendar idea is a good one....

    Reply

  • Nicole Speaks The Truth

    Minnesota wrote on: Apr 8, 2005

    Nicole Great Column. She speaks about what guys talk about and better yet do not realize how it sounds when repeated back to us.
    I look forward to future columns and additional pictures (hey I'm a guy!)

    Reply

  • thighs

    Lisa Salem wrote on: Apr 8, 2005

    Awesome column and what a bod. There is nothing wrong with those thighs!!!

    Reply

  • My friend Nicole

    Buffy wrote on: Apr 8, 2005

    I think your book if HILARIOUS!! I am proud of you and honored to be your friend. Nicole gives her all to every situation, you would all be lucky to know her.
    To the lady who thinks your book was offensive...GET A SENSE OF HUMOR, LOOSEN UP, HAVE SOME FUN!!!!

    Reply

  • cart girls rock

    K wrote on: Apr 8, 2005

    Nicole,
    You ought to travel to all the San Diego golf courses and pick a pin-up girl from each then publish a cart girl calendar for it. Then do Orange County, then L.A. Make sure you get up to Monterey as well. You are certain to start a new trend and one of you will replace Farrah as the Pin-up girl of the century!

    Reply

  • We Love you Nicole

    Devin wrote on: Apr 8, 2005

    I've read her book and chatted with her on several occassions, Nicole (our favorite TeeTime Girl) is the best. look forward to her future columns and dare I say, pictures.

    Reply

  • information booth

    l fordis wrote on: Apr 7, 2005

    hey nicole,
    where's my autographed copy and did you thank me in your book? love to you
    d & l

    Reply

  • stay fit

    woody wrote on: Apr 7, 2005

    Nicole, you've got to spend more time walking the links and less time riding the cart. Those thighs are *huge*!

    Reply

      • RE: stay fit

        ttg wrote on: Apr 9, 2005

        Ah, yes. I suppose you only like girls who look like they are in dire need of a sandwich from starving themselves to look like a Victoria's Secret model. I'm not a model. Just a normal girl who is happy and comfortable with herself. Go be critical about somebody else's body. It won't work here and no one will be on your side.

        Reply

          • RE: RE: stay fit

            BillyD wrote on: Apr 13, 2005

            My God, Nicole! I think you look *fantastic!* That other guy is NUTS!
            Wahoo!

            Reply

  • cart girl colum

    womangolfer wrote on: Apr 7, 2005

    This column was unbelievably offensive.

    Reply

      • RE: cart girl colum

        Joe wrote on: Apr 24, 2005

        Woman golfer you must be walking around with your driver up your *ss. You are an snob and take life way too serious. Great article Nicole and so very true.

        Reply

      • RE: cart girl colum

        ttg wrote on: Apr 9, 2005

        Good or bad, what I wrote gave you a feeling and that makes me so happy. I bet you couldn't stop reading it either!

        Reply

      • RE: cart girl colum

        l fordis wrote on: Apr 7, 2005

        to woman golfer,
        you friggin snob, have you ever driven a golf cart? i did and some of the comments from the snobby male golfers were way more offensive than what nicole has written. she actually was kind of gentle to the men. to you nicole kick ass and take names later
        love from the one who taught you.
        tell your mom and dad we said hey!

        Reply

  • cart girl

    tom wrote on: Apr 7, 2005

    the tee time girl has found the appropriate outlet for her shanks on badgolfer.com

    Reply

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