Yep, it's all about sex isn't it?
It has been said that the term "dick" when speaking of golf, refers to how far your ball travels through the air until its point of rest. As the golf club is hypothetically seen an extension of the male's, well … you know, we can concur that the ball's flight would be the continuation of that extension and thus giving man, (any man, small, tall, thick or fit), the ability to have the longest dick of all.
There's nothing like hitting the long ball and having the other guys in your foursome say, "You are so huge!" - though it's better when the cart girl is there to tell you instead.
Then there's the ever-famous shot called the "Dick Out" where if you can't hit your ball past the ladies tee, or as some say, the length of your own appendage. When this happens, you have to play your next shot with your dick out to prove you're not a woman.
As a cart girl, I've yet to see any man actually do this; even when I ever so sweetly and innocently call them on it and say, "now, don't you have to drop 'em?" after they swing and their tee shot dribbles 10 feet off the box.
The other guys laugh hysterically and come over to buy something from my cart. The humiliated woman/man tees up for their mulligan after an exaggerated courtesy laugh. They also break down after their third shot and, according to the laws of golf, buy a beer to drown the sorrow.
The need to have the longest dick is also necessary for guys who just don't have any balls. For a man, it's so much better to go long then be an "Alice" or a "Nancy" and puss out. If you go limp up on the green instead of over-shooting it, you've got "no balls."
Imagine, you've got a 30-foot putt and you come up short - and I mean 10 feet short of the hole. The guys you're playing with are going to berate you like there's no tomorrow.
"Why didn't you hit it, you woman!" Then again, if you're playing with just the guys, more than likely they will try to call you a woman for everything you do, (as long as there aren't any women around).
If you're standing over your ball on the tee box with your 6-iron or 5-wood and your address and set up are taking forever - tapping the grass 10 times and bouncing up and down or whatever other ridiculous thing you feel you have to do before you try to crush it - and then shank your ball into the bushes, you'll never hear the end of it.
"You wasted all that time for that piece of (expletive) shot, you Alice. Next time hit your driver, you Lilly! That's all you've got? I could have hit it farther with a pitching wedge!"
No man ever wants to be without external genitals and even gay men are sensitive to being called a woman on the golf course. You still have to be macho while taking the least amount of strokes necessary to ‘get you off' and on to the next hole.
You take it up your you-know-what from the other guys when you always play it safe or like a woman. It takes a brave man to recover from a limp dick.
The common goal of a par 3 is trying to get your dick in the hole in one shot. This honor is one most men will never achieve, yet some guys remarkably have done it several times! In my years as a cart girl, I've never seen any golfer conquer this shot either, though I personally did hit a shot that landed one inch from the hole.
While I don't physically possess a dick of my own, I do love the feel of my own golf dick sailing off into the fairway or sticking on the green. Oh my God, I declare I must have penis envy! (Most women do.) It's a totally macho feeling - and I believe that golf is really not about your balls, but about how perfectly you can control your dick.
It doesn't matter if your playing with a Noodle (soft feel, long distance), Titleist Pro-V I (that V that comes up in golf again and again), Pinnacle (or as I like to call it: Pin Nicole), Top Flight (Dog ball by the standards of any macho man and they'd tell you to leave it in the bushes when ball hunting), Nike (Tiger endorsed) or a Pre-cept (the ball that makes you preconceive where you will land on the course). Whatever.
Give a pro golfer any ball at all, even a Top Flight, and give yourself the ball of your choice and trust me, most likely his dick is going to go longer, straighter and harder than yours. Why? Because there is a very good reason pro golfers are called professionals; they have incredible dick control.
Now, back to the sex thing - and there's a ton more to be said about it - so "bare" with me. I mean the sexual overtone in golf is far from subtle. We only need to look at the words and phrases thought up to discuss and describe the game and parts within it to see a confirmation of men's obsession with sex carried over into the equipment, fairways, greens, tee boxes, roughs, clubhouses and even at home when calling the clubhouse for your next tee time.
I remember my first lesson ever when the instructor said, "Nicole, hold the shaft firmly, but not so tight as to tense your whole body …loose, but firm; just so the shaft doesn't slip out of your hands. Now bend at the waist and make sure your butt is sticking out. Keep your arms straight and your head down. Cock your wrists on your back swing and don't release that cock until you are almost through your downward thrust so you can achieve that final snap to get the maximum distance and fullest release result from your balls as you hit them."
From there on out, I was addicted to golf. What a funny game.
Since my first lesson, it's been hard for me not to correlate pretty much all the terms used for golf as something sexual and I know I'm not alone. Just look at the following list of golf terms: Fore, play, in the bush, wood, swing, fast, hard, lie, shaft, waggle, soft hands, firm grip, hole-in-one, in and out, worm burner, short game, long club, head, bend, choke down, birdie, cock, the V (which has so many sexual indications, the V in your hands, the V in the cleavage of a woman when she grips the club, the V and the butt end of the club points up toward the woman's V and more), power, hooker, slice, slope, bend, straight, ball eating bushes, stick, shank and the list goes on and on.
I'm not sure if I have time to go into how men talk to their balls (out loud of course), but the one line I hear 20 times a day is, "GET IN THE HOLE!" and sometimes repeatedly in a soft begging voice, "get in the hole, get in the hole, please get in the hole."
Look, I didn't make this stuff up, you did. Men love a good game, physical and mental. They have been kings of conquest since the beginning of time, even back to the caveman days when Lugg would drag his massive billy club around with him like a small child would drag his favorite blanket: (said in caveman low grunting talk) "Club for hunt, find woman, build fire and play game with friend Mogo to win all hunting skins." (OK, end the cave-man talk here.)
Where the caveman went, his club was always in hand. A man's club is an extension of himself, if you will, and the bigger the club, the more macho the man. It's true even more so today. A bigger golf head can potentially lead to a longer dick and thus, help man to get his dick in the hole first.
The eternal conquest - will he ever win? Perhaps, but then he must conquer again.
April 13, 2005
We all love golf course rankings, but there's quite a bias involved, huh? Host a major championship and you're basically guaranteed a spot on the list. What about the average duffer who's more impressed with the beer list than the slope/rating - or prefers friendliness over the fine, imported lotion in the locker room? Where's our list, hackers? Answer: Right here.
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