More bad golf
from around the world
By Matt Paulson,
Staff Writer
(June 22, 2004) - It's go time.
Let's begin by heading north of the border, to that cold place that
spawned flapping heads, french fries and gravy and Bryan Adams.
Throughout
the years, Canada's military force has been on the blunt end of many
jokes.
The peaceful nation's defenses are rarely taken seriously. Well, here's
some more fuel for that fire.
At Yellowknife Golf Club, a military aircraft on approach to Yellowknife airport
dropped an unwelcome gift - and no, it wasn't a yellow knife (HA
HA). At about 7 a.m. on a recent Friday morning, an air traffic
controller noticed something falling from the aircraft. That something
turned out to be a live missile, packed with high explosives,
a warhead and a rocket motor. The missile struck the sandy ground
in the driving range. No one reported injuries, but the course
was evacuated. Although the name of the pilot was undisclosed,
the other nine guys that comprise the Canadian Air Force were
very disappointed in him.
Now onto the Sparks brothers. If you're not familiar with the
name, don 't worry. They'll be coming to an episode of "Cops"
near you. Patrick James Sparks, 33, and Sean Jerome Sparks, 29,
attacked a man named Daryl Emphield, prompting charges of intentionally
causing serious injury, reckless conduct endangering a person
and criminal damage. Judge David Morrow tossed the Sparks brothers
into jail for at least 18 months for the transgressions. Emphield
suffered cuts, headaches, stiffness, and gashes to his head and
cheek that required stitches. But - as always - that's not all.
The
Sparks brothers showed contrition after the beating, realizing
they beat up the wrong guy. They mistook Emphield for a bitter
family enemy. In addition to causing their family 10 years of
misery, this mystery harasser was also part of a heated turf war
over golf balls. The Sparks brothers, in all their entrepreneurial
glory, managed a golf ball scavenging business, in which they
recovered balls from the water hazards at local courses and sold
them back to the club. The man for whom they mistook Emphield
was infringing upon their turf, and beating up Emphield was their
response to their enemy's lack of respect. No report on whether
alcohol was involved, but authorities have determined that the
Sparks brothers were well above the legal limit of stupidity at
the time of assault.
To Kremmling, Colo., where 19 people participating in a golf
tournament
might be picking up AM radio stations a little clearer nowadays. As a
storm
hit, interrupting the tourney, participants retreated to their vehicles
to
wait it out. Upon believing that the inclement weather had subsided,
they
headed back out onto the course when a lightning bolt hit. When the
smoke
cleared, four men were airlifted to Denver hospitals and 15 other
participants reported minor injuries. In a statement issued by the
Grand
County Sheriff's Office, authorities reported that the men were doing
well.
The event in which the men were playing, called the Kremmling Cliff
Classic
Golf Tournament, involves knocking golf balls over the edge of a cliff
that
sits above town. In a related story, the electricity in a Denver-area
hospital went out yesterday, only to mysteriously turn back on when four
recently admitted patients held hands and feverishly rubbed their feet
on a
carpeted floor.
While
we're in the Denver area, we go to local Burlington Northern and
Santa Fe Railroad tracks and the scene of a recent crime. Jacob
Schwartzkopff, 84, was struck by a train while seeking lost golf
balls. The crew of the train, which was traveling at about 15
mph just before the accident, spotted something blue in the tracks.
Schwartzkopff, wearing a blue sweater at the time of the accident,
began waving his arms upon sight of the train. Schwarzkopff was
conscious after the accident and was delivered to Denver Health
Medical Center. Police reported to have found a golf ball in the
area. The suspect, a Top Flite Hot XL No. 3, has remained silent
despite rigorous interrogation.
Finally, to end with the biggest golf event in recent memory:
this year' s U.S. Open. The final round at Shinnecock Hills, playing
to a scoring average of 78.7, which is equal to that of this year's
Southampton High Junior Varsity tryouts, had everybody flying
off the handle about the unfair course conditions. But Course
Superintendent Mark Michaud seemed fine with it.
After describing the mood of himself and his staff as "elated"
following
the Open, he continued to say, "Nobody was hanging their head, I'll tell
you
that."
"I didn't want to tick anybody off," Michaud continued as he
gently stroked his cat, Mr. Migglesworth, in a darkened room while
fits of lightning and thunder continuously erupted outside, "but
when you get guys swearing at you, when you get guys who usually
don't say anything throwing their clubs, you know you've done
your job."
Michaud followed his comments with a hearty, spine-tingling guffaw
that
echoed out of the room, down the hallway and into the ears of the
innocent
to forever haunt them.
And in announcements this week, the J.R. Brewski's first Drive for
Life
golf tournament will be played on the Fourth of July. Officials
involved
with the tournament are not sure whether this is actually the first time
the
event has been played. There have been some reports that the event
might
have been played last Fourth of July as well, but all involved remain
extremely sketchy on the details, although many recall reporting extreme
headaches and dehydration on the morning of July 5.
Finally, to end on a little higher note, but not much. A pair
recently
took a 19 on the 18th hole. After finding the fairway in an alternate
shot
formation, Chris Manby and Paul Frisby proceeded to put seven balls in
the
lake on the par-4, 398-yard hole. But what's worse: Frisby and Manby
beat
their opponents by four strokes. Now that's bad golf.
Any opinions expressed above are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of the management. The information in this story was accurate at the time of publication. All contact information, directions and prices should be confirmed directly with the golf course or resort before making reservations and/or travel plans.
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