Golf Jokes » Golf pro

What can I do ?

Fred was playing off the sixth tee at the Royal Quebec Club. The fairway of the sixth needed some skill because it ran alongside the road. But Fred sliced the ball badly and it disappeared over the hedge bordering the road.

So he put another ball down and took the penalty. He was having a beer after the game when the pro joined him in the bar. "Excuse me Fred, but was it you who sliced this ball into the road at the sixth this morning?"

"Yes, but I took the penalty." "That's as may be. But you might be interested to know that your ball hit and killed a small boy on a tricycle; the tricycle fell in the path of a Mountie on a motorcycle. He skidded and was thrown through the window of a car, killing the nun at the wheel. The car then swerved into a cement mixer which wasn't too damaged but had to veer slightly and in doing so ran into the local school bus with such an impact that it sent it flying through the window of the St Lawrence shopping centre. At last count from the hospital there are thirteen people dead and seventy-nine people seriously injured."

The golfer turned a deathly shade of white and said, "What can I do?"

"Well, you could try moving your left hand a little bit further down the shaft," the pro advised.

From a huge slice...

Talk about fantastic golf teachers. He was the best and one day this woman came to him and said that she had developed a terrific slice. Day and night he worked with her for five months. Now she's the biggest hooker in town.

Playing with the pro

"You surely don't want me to hole that?" the pompous amateur blustered. His ball was about thirty centimetres from but his opponent, the club professional, answered quietly. "No".

The amateur picked up and walked on next tee. He was about to take honour when he was interrupted by his opponent.

"My honour, I think," said the professional. I won last hole, as you didn't putt out.

"But you said you didn't want me to hole out," spluttered the amateur.

"That's right. I didn't, and you didn't"

Next lession ?

When can you let me have another session?" a golfer asked his professional who was veteran of 75 years.

"Tomorrow morning," came the reply, "but not afternoon. That's when I visit my father."

"Goodness me," exclaimed student incredulously, "how old is he then. 95."

"And good player too?" "

"Ah no sir - knocks ball about bit but, bless him,'ll never make player."

What can you do with this ?

The tall highlander walked into the pro shop at Pitlochry Golf Club and stood ramrod straight as he pulled a badly nicked ball from his sporran.

"What can you do with this ?" he asked the golf pro.

"Well," said the manager in complete understanding, "we can vulcanise it for five pence or re-cover it for ten."

"I'll let ye know t'morra," said the customer.

The next day he was back, holding out the ball. 4 Tha' Regiment," he said, "votes ta' vulcanise."

Lesson with the pro

Now," said the golf pro, "suppose you just go through the motions without driving the ball."

"But that's precisely the difficulty I'm trying to overcome," said his pupil.

You earn how much ?

I gather you earn more than the Prime Minister the nosey member asked his club's pro.

"Why not ?", came the reply, "I'm a better player than he is !"

Store professional

A golf professional, hired by a big department store to give golf lessons, was approached by two women. "Do you wish to learn to play golf, madam?" he asked one.

"Oh, no," she replied, "it's my friend who's interested in learning. I learned last Wednesday."

Correct stance

Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted.

"Anything the matter, mate.'" Harry asked.

"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Fred replied.

"He's just been trying to correct my stance."

"He's only trying to help your game," Harry soothed.

"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."

The begginer

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great ! so NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

The gorilla's revenge

The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough, so he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf. He then set up a game with the pro--$1000 a side with automatics.

The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.

The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.

The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.

As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?" The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.

Submit a golf joke to Bad Golfer!