Golf Jokes » Religion

Jesus & Tiger Woods

Jesus and Tiger Woods were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so on a long par five. It's a great drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. Jesus then steps up to tee off, and He too hits a great shot, but it's not anywhere near as close as Wood's first shot.

Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs Jesus' ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can get even twenty feet yards, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the ball, eagle, and gopher get above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus looks up and says, "Dad! Please! I'd rather do it myself!

Heaven or Hell

There was a good man named Bill who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man should go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven.

Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven.

Behind Satan, Bill could see the most beautiful golf course ever built. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, and almost everything in a golf course a golfer could ever wish for in life. Bill fell in love with at first site, and he couldn't control himself. He just had to play a round. The devil showed him a solid gold electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag-- soft and supple yet strong like iron, and a brand new set of Big Bertha clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn't control himself. He just had to play there.

Bill returns to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there. When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course. Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver. He then reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball. Satan comes up and the Bill asks him for a ball.

"That's the Hell of it," says Satan.

Golf on a Sunday

It seems there was this priest who just loved to play golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.

He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.

He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hooky, and blasted the ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true. It bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... and closer... a hole-in-one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!

He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiosity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even lied to go golfing. Now you reward him with a hole-in-one! Why?"

God smiles, looks over at St. Peter, and says, "I'm punishing him." St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"

Missed !

One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the woods.

"Damn it! #$*^&%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.

"Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not like it."

The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again goes sailing into the woods.

"Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.

"Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"

On the third hole, the father again tees up his ball. Once again, the ball sails wide, this time landing in the water hazard.

"Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.

As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.

From the sky comes a booming voice: "Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!"

Advice from above

A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time he plays that hole. One round he decides that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good ball. He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his back-swing a mighty voice comes from on high:


Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his back-swing but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky:


The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again:


The Leprechaun

A golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway. While looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun. The leprechaun asks him, "How's your round of golf is going?". The golfer admits, "I'm having one of my worst rounds ever. "The leprechaun zaps the golfer with a magic spell. The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies, "In all honesty, I haven't had any in years." So, the leprechaun zaps him with another spell. The golfer goes on to have his best round ever.

Two months later the golfer is playing the same course. He checks to see if the leprechaun is still around. Sure enough, he spots him in the woods. The leprechaun asks, "How's how has your golf been lately? "The golfer responds with pride, "I'm playing the best golf of my life." The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies happily, "I've been getting some almost every other week." The leprechaun seemed dismayed and said, "Boy, I would have thought you would be doing much better than that."

The golfer replied, "Well for a priest, from a small town, with no car, every other week isn't so bad."

Jesus & Moses playing golf

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.

Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water"

Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."

He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." "PLOP" in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods."

Jesus, God & Moses playing golf

Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God.

God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole.

Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"

o the recently deceased, "you did lead an exemplary life on earth--but there is one instance of your taking the name of The Lord in vain. Would you care to tell us about it?"

"I recall," replied the new applicant, "it was in 1965 on the last hole at Pinehurst. I only needed a par four to break 70 for the first time in my life."

"Was your drive good?" asked St. Peter, with increasing interest.

"Right down the middle. But when I got to my ball, it was plugged deep in a wet rut made by a drunk's golf cart."

"Oh dear," said St. Peter, "A real sucker! Is that when you..."

"No. I'm pretty good with a 3-iron. I played the ball close to my feet, caught the sweet spot and moved it right onto the green. But it bounced on a twig or something--it was a very windy day--and slid off the apron right under the steepest lip of the trap."

"What a pity!" said St. Peter consolingly, "Then that must have been when..." "No. I gritted my teeth, dug in with and open stance, swung a smooth outside arc, and backspun a bucket's worth of sand up onto the green. When everything settled down, there was my ball, only ten inches off into the cup."

"JESUS CHRIST!" shrieked St. Peter, "Don't tell me you choked the putt!"

Cardinal Nicklaus

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."

You mean golf ?

The devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons. He stood up and said, "Well you poor useless lot of sissies, this guy Jesus is putting to much good in the world, you time wasters, you make me sick, you came to hell to make their life a misery; instead you waste your time playing silly games, so what are you going to do about it?"

Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid sheepishly said, "O'lord of great darkness I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion, it seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down the pain would be so great we will soon gain control."

Just as he said that a more experienced demon said "You mean golf?"

The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady on old man, we don't want to finish them off that quick."

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