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The
Fortune Teller
Golfer:
"Are there golf courses in Heaven?"
Fortune
Teller: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
Golfer:
"What's the good news?"
Fortune
Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful
beyond anything you could imagine!"
Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"
Fortune
Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."
1
Iron
A
rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th
hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green. He drags
out his 1-iron, and starts to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds
overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder,
shattering a tree some 3 hundred yards east, and the rain begins
pouring down in a blinding sheet.
The distraction causes him to hook the shot badly out of bounds.
He waves his 1-iron at the clouds, screaming and yelling and cursing
God. His caddy runs up, grabs his club arm and yanks it down, yelling
``Are you crazy? You don't wave a club around like that in a thunderstorm!''
The priest looks at his caddy and says
``Phhhhhtt. Not even God can hit a 1-iron!''.
Keeping
your head down
A
young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest
asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to his a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church
when we pray, we keep our head down."
A
sin to play on Sunday
After
church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest
and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?
"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder,
"I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."
What
does that mean
A
rabbi and a priest go golfing with the club pro and his friend.
Before the friend gets up to hit the ball, he crosses himself. With
that the rabbi leans over to the priest to ask,
"What does that mean?"
To which the priest replied, "Not a damn thing if he can't play!"
What's
your handicap
A
minister went to the local golf course hoping to find someone to
play with. As luck would have it, there was a member in the pro
shop looking for a game, so they were introduced and went to the
first tee.
The member asked, "What's your handicap?"
The minister replied, "I'm a twelve."
The member said, "Oh, good, so am I. Would you like to bet a dollar
a hole?"
The minister agreed, and when they finished they went into the club
house.
As the minister was shelling out eighteen dollars to the member,
he said, "Say, I'd like for you to come down to the church sometime."
The member said, "'I'd like to do that."
Then the minister added, "And bring your mother and father; I'd
like to marry them."
Deal
with the devil
A
golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by
a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything
to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth
of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his
answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good
omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get
an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and
says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer
shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though
he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would
you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this
match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because
you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will
have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm Father
O'Malley."
Did
you cheat your wife ?
Three
golfers are standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked
them if they ever cheated while playing golf with their wives.
The first man said all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle
and admitted him to heaven.
The second man said "I cheated a couple of times" so St. Peter gives
him a mid-sized car and lets him into heaven. The third man said
"For 40 years I only ever played golf with my wife, most of the
time she beat me but I never cheated ."
So St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him to heaven.
A week later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and
the third man was sitting in his car crying. The other men asked
why he was crying, he had such a nice car. The third man said "I
just saw my wife and she was driving a skateboard".
Golfing with nuns
A
man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself.
The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole.
Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns.
He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces
everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man,
"Go ahead sir! You're up."
The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball
goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the
right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you
see that?!" forgetting his audience.
He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one
of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the
Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn."
The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball
slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out
of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee,
and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather
amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..."
The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said.
But then again you didn't just hit a goddamm tree, did you?"
Your
hole
Joe
and his priest are playing in a golf match. Joe's game is perfect
that day, and he is giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest
can only sigh as he fills in the scorecard from the last hole.
Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up Father--just
think, one of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral."
The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while
saying, "Yes, that may be true, but it will still be your hole."
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