Golf Jokes » ReligionHere in two
A
golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the
middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball
went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the
woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back
straight at him.
It
hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates
and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a
golfer, is that correct?""Yes, I am," he replied. St. Peter then
said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"The golfer replied, "You
bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
Only a golfer
A
golf pro passes away and is standing in line at the pearly gates.
Impatient and self serving, he skips line and heads right for St.
Peter.
Explaining
to St. Peter that he is a professional golfer and deserves better
than waiting in line like others, he demands to be admitted to heaven.
St.
Peter replies that there are no favourites in heaven and that he
must wait in line as the others. Grudgingly, the pro heads toward
the back of the line to wait his turn. Just
as he reaches the back of the line, he notices a gentleman, dressed
similarly and carrying a putter, approach St. Peter. St. Peter nods
and allows the fellow to walk through the gates into heaven. The
golf pro, not believing his eyes, storms up to St. Peter demanding
an explanation: "I'm a scratch golfer and have been for 20
years, and have been denied immediate entry to heaven, yet you let
that weekend golfer walk right in." "Oh,
that guy," replies St. Peter. "That's God. He only thinks
he's a golfer." We keep our head down
A
young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest
asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The
young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The
priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The
young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The
priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The
young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my
church when we pray, we keep our head down." The three Rabbis
Three
very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf.
A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome
in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.
At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70
and 71. St Francis
Back
at the nineteenth, in a vile mood, he delivered his bitter tale
of woe. Don't swear with a priest
Fred
had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played
golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed
to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with
a string of expletives. Jesus is watching you
One
night a thief breaks into The Valhalla Golf Club's pro shop in the
middle of the night. Fumbling through the titanium drivers, he hears
a voice say
"Jesus
is watching you, Jesus is watching you."
He
proceeds to fill his bags with the clubs and other expensive merchandise.
While making his way to the sweatshirts, hats, etc., he hears...
"Jesus
is watching you".
Baffled,
he looks around with his flashlight and sees a parrot.
He
looks at the beautiful creature and says "What kind of jerk
would have a bird like you in a pro shop like this?"
The
bird cocked his head slightly and replied, "The same one that
named the pit bull Jesus!"
I have punished him
Father
Patrick, who was not averse to berating his congregation for abusing
the Sabbath, still liked to sneak off occasionally for a quick round
of the course before the early morning service.
At
crack of dawn one midsummer morning he was spotted on the tenth
tee one Sunday by an angel; and the angel was much annoyed.
"Father,
he should be punished!" he said as he reported the miscreant to
God.
"And
so he shall be, my son. Watch this!" the heavenly Father replied.
Father Patrick hit off on the 590-metre, par five hole, and his
ball arced gracefully in direct line with the pin. It dropped onto
the green and a gentle breeze caught it and carried it a few.centimetres
right into the hole. The angel turned a puzzled face to God.
"Sir,
I thought you were going to punish him and instead you've given
him what every golfer dreams of - a hole in one and on the longest
hole on the course!"
The good Lord smiled. "I have punished him! Who can he tell?"
Deal with a leprechaun
This
golfer was playing the famous dog leg 4th hole at Kilarney, and
was just about to tee off, when a voice said "Hello there".
He
looked around and the voice said "Down here", and there at his feet
was a little leprechaun, who said "How would you like to drive over
those trees, land on the green and putt for 2, and furthermore win
every tournament you enter and become champion golfer of all Ireland
?
The
golfer said "You're on".
The
leprechaun said "There's one condition. You have to remain celibate."
The
golfer agreed. Twelve months later the golfer was playing the same
hole at Killarney when he again heard the voice.
"Tell me" said the Leprechaun, "Did everything happen
as I predicted."
"Yes"
said the golfer. "and how to you find celibacy?" said the Leprechaun.
"As
Parish Priest at Ballemena, I don't find it much trouble."
Mind your language
Then
there was the caddie with a similarly embarrassing vocabulary and
reputation. He'd been assigned to caddie for the local Anglican
bishop and warned by the caddiemaster to say nothing unless spoken
to. Things went well for a couple of holes. Then on the third the
bishop's stroke was not quite clean.
"Where
did that sod go, caddie?" asked the churchman looking to replace
a divot he'd shifted.
"Into
the bloody bunker," retorted the caddie who'd watched the ball,
"and don't forget you started it."
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