Golf Jokes » Religion

Here in two

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him.

It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?""Yes, I am," he replied. St. Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

Only a golfer

A golf pro passes away and is standing in line at the pearly gates. Impatient and self serving, he skips line and heads right for St. Peter.

Explaining to St. Peter that he is a professional golfer and deserves better than waiting in line like others, he demands to be admitted to heaven.

St. Peter replies that there are no favourites in heaven and that he must wait in line as the others. Grudgingly, the pro heads toward the back of the line to wait his turn.

Just as he reaches the back of the line, he notices a gentleman, dressed similarly and carrying a putter, approach St. Peter. St. Peter nods and allows the fellow to walk through the gates into heaven.

The golf pro, not believing his eyes, storms up to St. Peter demanding an explanation: "I'm a scratch golfer and have been for 20 years, and have been denied immediate entry to heaven, yet you let that weekend golfer walk right in."

"Oh, that guy," replies St. Peter. "That's God. He only thinks he's a golfer."

We keep our head down

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

The three Rabbis

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71.

He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"

The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71.

He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.

The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"
He said, "Beth Shalom".

The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"

St Francis

Back at the nineteenth, in a vile mood, he delivered his bitter tale of woe.

"Nothing could stop me winning. I had a putt of about eleven inches, hardly more than a tap-in, to clinch it. The green was dead flat, perfectly true, a real billiard table. Not a breath of wind.

"My ball was heading for the cup, on rails. Then a raven swooped down, snatched it up, and circled the flag stick, twice. The raven then passed the ball to a vulture, which flapped over to Paradise Brook, opened its talons and .........splash. End of story."

St. Peter sighed deeply and vowed, "Last time I play St.Francis of Assisi."

Don't swear with a priest

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to swear about?"

Jesus is watching you

One night a thief breaks into The Valhalla Golf Club's pro shop in the middle of the night. Fumbling through the titanium drivers, he hears a voice say

"Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you."

He proceeds to fill his bags with the clubs and other expensive merchandise. While making his way to the sweatshirts, hats, etc., he hears...

"Jesus is watching you".

Baffled, he looks around with his flashlight and sees a parrot.

He looks at the beautiful creature and says "What kind of jerk would have a bird like you in a pro shop like this?"

The bird cocked his head slightly and replied, "The same one that named the pit bull Jesus!"

I have punished him

Father Patrick, who was not averse to berating his congregation for abusing the Sabbath, still liked to sneak off occasionally for a quick round of the course before the early morning service.

At crack of dawn one midsummer morning he was spotted on the tenth tee one Sunday by an angel; and the angel was much annoyed.

"Father, he should be punished!" he said as he reported the miscreant to God.

"And so he shall be, my son. Watch this!" the heavenly Father replied. Father Patrick hit off on the 590-metre, par five hole, and his ball arced gracefully in direct line with the pin. It dropped onto the green and a gentle breeze caught it and carried it a few.centimetres right into the hole. The angel turned a puzzled face to God.

"Sir, I thought you were going to punish him and instead you've given him what every golfer dreams of - a hole in one and on the longest hole on the course!"

The good Lord smiled. "I have punished him! Who can he tell?"

Deal with a leprechaun

This golfer was playing the famous dog leg 4th hole at Kilarney, and was just about to tee off, when a voice said "Hello there".

He looked around and the voice said "Down here", and there at his feet was a little leprechaun, who said "How would you like to drive over those trees, land on the green and putt for 2, and furthermore win every tournament you enter and become champion golfer of all Ireland ?

The golfer said "You're on".

The leprechaun said "There's one condition. You have to remain celibate."

The golfer agreed. Twelve months later the golfer was playing the same hole at Killarney when he again heard the voice.

"Tell me" said the Leprechaun, "Did everything happen as I predicted."

"Yes" said the golfer. "and how to you find celibacy?" said the Leprechaun.

"As Parish Priest at Ballemena, I don't find it much trouble."

Mind your language

Then there was the caddie with a similarly embarrassing vocabulary and reputation. He'd been assigned to caddie for the local Anglican bishop and warned by the caddiemaster to say nothing unless spoken to. Things went well for a couple of holes. Then on the third the bishop's stroke was not quite clean.

"Where did that sod go, caddie?" asked the churchman looking to replace a divot he'd shifted.

"Into the bloody bunker," retorted the caddie who'd watched the ball, "and don't forget you started it."

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