Golfing
truths, sayings and cliches Always
concede the fourth putt. Bunkers have
the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball. Coincidentally
the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made
especially for you. Curing the faults
in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional. Curly, downhill,
left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left
putts. Delicate chip
shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back. During the first
round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from
a road. Electric trolleys
always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse. Finding the
key to a better game means opening a lot of doors. Foursomes golf
means always having to say you're sorry. Golf is like
sex: afterwards you feel you should have scored at little better. Golf is the
only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time. Greens are hollow-tined
and dressed the day before a competition. Handicaps are
designed to keep you in your place. Hitting an iron
off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance. If a golfer
wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him
to start with his final putt on the 18th green. If a good course
is one where you play to your handicap or better and a bad course
is one where you struggle to break 100, why are there so many bad
courses ? If the club
is burgled, your clubs are never stolen. And if they are, you are
underinsured. If there is
one solitary tree located on a hole, your ball will find it with
unerring accuracy. If you are giving
strokes in a match it's always too many: if you are receiving them
it's never enough. If you are playing
well in a competition, your partner will tell you that if you keep
it up you must win. This remark ensures that you finish with a string
of double-bogeys. If you find
your ball in the woods, it is unplayable. If a professional finds
his ball in woods, not only is it playable but he can hit it onto
the green. If you have
a hole-in-one in a competition you are in the last group and the
bar is packed when you come in. If you have
difficulty meeting new people, try picking up someone else's golf
ball. If you're out
in 39 and home in 45 you're playing wartime golf. Immediately
you put on your waterproofs it stops raining. In a four-ball
game, your partner is right on his game while you aren't or vice
versa. In a match,
younger golfers always have your measure.....so do older golfers
for that matter. In a pro-am,
you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners
have all hit screamers. In most medal
rounds, you start badly then fade away. It's always
the next round that will find you playing your normal game. Keeping your
head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot. Lagging a putt
from three feet means you've got the yips. No successive
swings are ever the same except when you hit consecutive shots out
of bounds. Nobody ever
coughs on your follow through. Out-of-bounds
fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball. Passing lorry-drivers
always shout 'Fore' at the top of your backswing. People who say
a shank is close to a perfect shot have never had four in a row. Quote from Christy
O'Connor: 'If it wasn't my living, I wouldn't play golf if you paid
me.' Shots that finish
close to the pin are never as close when you get there. Spike marks
always deflect your ball away from the hole. Teeing up on
the side nearest the out-of-bounds means your ball will finish in
the cabbage on the other side. The captain
of the Club you wish to join turns out to be someone you were at
school with: and you never got on. The Club secretary
is always on the course when you want him, but is in the bar when
you sub is overdue. The distant
puff of sand you see means that your ball has not carried the bunker
and what's more, it is plugged under the lip. The fact that
trees are ninety per cent air does not mean your ball avoid the
remaining ten per cent of timber. The first tee
shot following a lesson travels 20 yards along the ground. The first time
you enter the club's knockout competition you are drawn against
the club champion in the first round. The hickory-shafted
driver that you found in your grandmother's attic turns out to be
worth only $10. The latest piece
of written instruction never works on the course. The love of
your life either hates golf or is a better player than you. The more you
play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers. The most important
inches in golf are not those between the ears: they are the ones
between your ball and the hole on the fourth putt. The number of
practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit. The only available
space in the car park is always furthest from the locker-room. The only downwind
holes are par threes. The people in
front of you are playing too slowly, the people behind you are playing
too quickly. The reserve
glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk. The sand in
the bunkers is never the right texture for your particular technique. The shorter
the putt, the smaller the hole becomes. The shortest
distance between the ball and the target is never a straight line. Waterproof trousers
cannot be removed without falling over. Whatever the
rule for a particular situation, you've probably broken it. When playing
to a temporary green, your ball finishes stone dead to the hole
cut in the proper green. When there is
one minute left to get to the first tee, a shoelace breaks. When you are
looking for your ball, it is found (a) when you have trudged back
and put another ball in play, (b) when the five minutes search time
has elapsed, (c) when you tread on it and incur a penalty. When you can
tear yourself away from the office for a rare midweek round you
find yourself in the midst of a visiting society. When you drive
your car to a pro-am, you are caught in an impenetrable traffic
jam. When you play
a shot from a bunker and the ball hits the bank, there is a split
second when you have no idea as to the ball's whereabouts before
it plummets down on your foot. Whenever you
take your clubs on holiday, you leave your game behind. While unloading
your golf bag from the car, the golf balls fall out all over the
tarmac car park and roll under the other cars. Your best drive
of the day finishes in a divot hole. Your best medal
round of the year is one shot too many to win the competition. Your controlled
draw rapidly develops into a chronic hook: similarly, your controlled
fade is, in reality, a vicious slice. Your favourite
golf sweater is the one that gets shrunk in the wash. Your first hole-in-one
is always achieved when playing alone. Your greatest
round takes place against an important business contact whom you
can't afford to humiliate. Your natural
ability as a golfer is in inverse proportion to the amount of money
you spend on new equipment.
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