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My
wife left me
Fred
called his friend in tears.
"I can’t believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing
partner."
"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty
of other women out there."
"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that
I could ever beat!"
The
golf widow
A
"golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she
needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country club and signs
up for lessons with the golf pro.
They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the
club as she would her husband's organ. She hits the ball and the
pro exclaims, "Beautiful!! Great shot, right down the center of
the fairway!
Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."
The
missed 6" putt
An
older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are
playing in a play-off hole, and it is down to a 6 inch putt that
the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see
her trembling.
She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the
car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!"
"That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes
dear, but it was much harder!"
Marriage
problems
A
couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went
through appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one
session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she needs every
Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and
Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
What
if I died ?
"Dear,"
asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why
do you ask such a horrid question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.
"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, lamb." he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying
to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."
"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.
"Yes," replied the trapped husband.
"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very
long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.
"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would
you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would
be a compliment to your exquisite taste."
"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he
replied.
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."
The
perfect tee shot
A
guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking
up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction
and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated
partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
She'll
leave me
"My
wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."
"What are you going to do?"
"Miss her like hell."
Could
I play through
A
fourball watches a lone player play up short of the green they are
on.
As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly
chip on and putt out.
He almost runs to the tee where the four ball is.
He looks at the bewildered players and says "I say chaps could I
play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".
Neither
would he
My
wife asked me why I don't play golf with Patrick anymore.
I
asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets
drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through,
tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends
everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."
Stop nagging
"Mildred,
shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll
drive me out of my mind."
"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short
putt."
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