Golf Jokes » Indoors

I lost everything

One Sunday a usually happy weekend golfer came home from the game very late, and much the worse for wear. 'Dear' wife greeted him at the door and demanded "Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?" The husband wobbled around of slurred "Had a bad game, sort of lost had better pack some bags, I even lost you".

The wife screamed "How could you do that?", the man replied "It wasn't easy, I had to miss 3 one foot putts in the last 4 holes".

Driven to murder

A police officer retired, and soon after spent every single day playing golf, which greatly irritated his wife, who was not a golfer. Every day he'd come home at 4 or 5 o'clock after playing a round at his club.

This went on for months. One day after his customary round, he came home at 8 o'clock, since he stayed to play poker at the club. His wife let him have it as soon as he came in the door, screaming at him, saying that retirement was for the both of them, and that she was not going to put up with it anymore.

Angered, he took out his 4 iron out of his bag, and hit her over the head with it. Rage set in and he kept hitting her, till she was dead.

Remorseful, he called his Detective colleague and tells him to come over as he killed his wife. The detective, who he used to play golf with when he was on the force, asked him what happened. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook everything that was said. The suspect told him of his wife's complaining, and how he finally snapped. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook. He told the detective how he finally went over the edge and killed her, as he couldn't take it anymore.

"What club did you use?" the Detective asked. "A 4-iron", The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook.. "and how many times did you hit her?" asked the Detective. "oh, I dunno, lets see, (counting to himself) 3,4, 5, 6 times?"

"I'll give you a 5" says the Detective.

Walking with wives

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

Genie in a bottle

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.

When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.

The husband and wife agreed on 2 was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

Why is he so mad ?

His wife was a new and nervous player but Jim persuaded her to play against a new customer of his and his wife. "After all," he explained, "it will be a two-ball foursome. I'll drive off and by the time you have to hit the ball the client and his spouse will be elsewhere on the fairway and not watching you."

It was agreed and the game started as Jim had said it would. He hit off with a fine drive, right down the fairway about 320 metres leaving about four metres to the green. He handed his wife an iron and told her to aim for the green. She sliced it with vigour into the deep rough at the side of the fairway. Two!

His shot from the rough was magnificent and landed the ball back on the fairway - this time about half a metre from the green. Three!

She whacked it right over the green and into the sandtrap on the other side. Four!

He was in brilliant form and he clipped it neatly from the sand onto the green about a metre from the hole.Five!

Her putt rolled off the green and into another sandtrap. Six!

His recovery landed three centimetres from the hole. Seven!

Her putt stopped at the green's edge. Eight!

His putt of thirteen metres went in. Nine!

The customer and his wife holed out with four. Jim's reaction was nothing too dramatic. He merely tore up his score card and ate it, broke three clubs and bent the remainder, jumped up and down on his golfcart and finally, shaking his fist at his wife, he strode off to the clubhouse.

His wife emerged from the sandtrap whence she had watched the performance. "I don't know what he's so mad about," she said. "After all, he had five; I only had four!"

Why can't we play golf together

A noted doctor's wife asked him why he never would let her play golf with him.

"My dear," he replied, "there are three things a man must do alone: testify, die and putt."

Golf is a mystery to her

To Bill's wife, golf was a total mystery. She never could understand why Bill insisted on tiring himself by walking so far every time he played. One day she went with him to see for herself what the game was about. For six holes she tramped after him.

It was on the seventh that he landed in the infamous bunker where he floundered about for some time in the sand. She sat herself down composedly and, as the sand began to fly she happily ventured:

"There, I knew you could just as well play in one place if you made up your mind to!"

Get out of that one

Happily innocent of all golfing lore, Sam's wife watched with interest the efforts of her man in the bunker to play his ball. At last it rose amid a cloud of sand, hovered in the air and then dropped on the green and rolled into the hole.

"Oh my stars," Sam wife chuckled, "he'll have a tough time getting out of that one."

Awoken in the night

There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.

One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.

He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.

At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. "What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.

"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!"

An office affair

A man and his secretary were having an affair. One afternoon, they got a motel room and had strenuous sex. He wasn't used to the pace, so he fell asleep afterwards and didn't wake up until about 8:30 that night.

He woke up in a panic when he realized he was late, so he said to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complied.

When the man got home about 9:30, his wife confronted him and asked him where he was. The man said, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home."

The woman looks down at his shoes and said, "You liar ! You've been out playing golf again!"

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