Golf Jokes » Miscellaneous

The new club members

Fred and Harry decided to join the best golf club that money could buy. On their first lay they went into the bar for a drink before the game. They ordered two whiskies and enquired:

"How much is that.'"

The barman smiled. "Are you new members?" he asked. "This your first day at the club?"

"Yes," replied Fred and Harry. "Well, it's on the house."

Then the two friends decided to lunch in the club lining room. It was a sumptuous repast after which Harry called the waitress over.

"We'd like to settle up," he said. The waitress smiled sweetly and enquired whether hey were new members. "Yes," they told her, "we are indeed."

"And is this your first day at the club?" "Yes," they replied.

"Then, it's on the house, sirs."

Much pleased, the two decided it was time to have a game so they walked into the pro shop to buy some balls. "Give me half a dozen," Fred ordered grandly. `How much is that?"

"Are you new members, sir? Is it your first day at the club?" "Yes, yes," smiled Fred

"That will be seventy-five dollars," the pro advised.

Fred turned to Harry and whispered: "It sure ain't by the throat they got you in this club."

Attracting the right sort

An old tramp had wandered leisurely up to the green of the eighteenth where he sat himself down among his many coats. He dug among the variety of old bags he was carrying and brought forth with great pomp a handful of dried twigs and two iron rods which he arranged to form into a holder. From this he hung a pot of water suspended over the twigs.

Members gathering at the clubhouse windows watched as he got his campfire going. The tranquillity of the scene was shattered when a man dashed from the clubhouse and, leaving no room for doubt, ordered the tramp off the course.

"Well, just who do you think you are," asked the tramp.

"I'm the club secretary," shouted the man.

"Well, listen sonny," the tramp retorted. "Let me give you some advice. That's hardly the way to get new members."

Who's tee ?

As the two players approached the ninth tee they noticed what appeared to be a small picnic party assembled right on the spot. "Here, what are you doing with our tee?" one called out. "I it ain't yours," came the retort. "We brought it with us all the way from town."

Only golfers allowed

Eric, the club's worst golfer, was addressing his ball. Feet apart, just so, eye on the ball, just so, a few practice wiffles with the driver, just so, then swing. He missed. The procedure was repeated and then repeated again. On the fourth swing however he did manage to connect with his ball and drove it five metres down the fairway. Looking up in exasperation he saw a stranger who had stopped to watch him. "Look here!" Eric shouted angrily. "Only golfers are allowed on this course!" The stranger nodded, "I know it, mister," he replied. "But I won't say anything if you won't either!"

Injury to a Scottish golfer

The old golfer paced anxiously up and down outside he emergency room of the East Lothian Hospital near Muirfield Golf Course. Inside the doctors were operating to remove a golf ball accidentally driven down a player's throat.

The sister-in-charge noticed the old golfer and went to reassure him.

"It won't be long now," she said. "You're a relative?"

"No, no, lassie. It's my ball."

Boys that swear

The party games were a triumph and now the marble tournament was in full swing. Then sixyear-old Simon missed an easy shot and let fly with a potent expletive.

"Simon," his mother remonstrated in embarrassment from the sidelines, "what do little boys who swear when they are playing marbles turn into?"

"Golfers," Simon replied.

Flying home to Eire

Paddy and Mick were returning to their native land to play in the All Eire Champions Golf Tournament. Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot of their plane announced over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. I regret to say that we have lost the use of the outer starboard engine. But there is nothing to worry about. We still have three perfectly good engines which will get us to Shannon airport."

And an hour later the captain's voice was once again heard: "Ladies and gentlemen. It's the outer port engine that's gone this time. But nothing to worry about, we still have two good engines."

Another half hour passed and once again the captain came on the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen. I do regret to announce that the inner starboard engine has gone... "

"Begorrah, Mick," Paddy turned to his mate with a worried expression. "If we lose that fourth engine, we'll not only miss the tee off, we'll be up here all night!"

Lost and Found

I say greenkeeper, I dropped my bottle of Scotch out of the bag somewhere on the seventh. Anything handed in at lost-and-found?" "Only the golfer who played after you, sir."

Not much of a fighter

The argumentative drunk in the club bar had been looking for a fight all afternoon since losing his game. Finally he threw a punch at the player on the nearest bar stool. He ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool and onto the floor. By the time he'd disentangled himself from bar stools and dusted himself off, his opponent had left.

"D'ya see that, barman.'" he complained. "Not much of a fighter was he?"

"Not much of a driver either, sir. He's just driven over your clubs," said the barman gazing out the window.

Fierce savages

Explorer: "There we were surrounded. Fierce savages verywhere you looked. They uttered awful cries and beat their clubs on the ground. . . "

Weary listener: "Golfers, probably."

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