Golf Jokes » MiscellaneousThe new club members
Fred
and Harry decided to join the best golf club that money could buy.
On their first lay they went into the bar for a drink before the
game. They ordered two whiskies and enquired:
"How
much is that.'"
The
barman smiled. "Are you new members?" he asked. "This your first
day at the club?"
"Yes,"
replied Fred and Harry. "Well, it's on the house."
Then
the two friends decided to lunch in the club lining room. It was
a sumptuous repast after which Harry called the waitress over.
"We'd
like to settle up," he said. The waitress smiled sweetly and enquired
whether hey were new members. "Yes," they told her, "we are indeed."
"And
is this your first day at the club?" "Yes," they replied.
"Then,
it's on the house, sirs."
Much
pleased, the two decided it was time to have a game so they walked
into the pro shop to buy some balls. "Give me half a dozen," Fred
ordered grandly. `How much is that?"
"Are
you new members, sir? Is it your first day at the club?" "Yes, yes,"
smiled Fred
"That
will be seventy-five dollars," the pro advised.
Fred
turned to Harry and whispered: "It sure ain't by the throat they
got you in this club."
Attracting the right sort
An
old tramp had wandered leisurely up to the green of the eighteenth
where he sat himself down among his many coats. He dug among the
variety of old bags he was carrying and brought forth with great
pomp a handful of dried twigs and two iron rods which he arranged
to form into a holder. From this he hung a pot of water suspended
over the twigs.
Members
gathering at the clubhouse windows watched as he got his campfire
going. The tranquillity of the scene was shattered when a man dashed
from the clubhouse and, leaving no room for doubt, ordered the tramp
off the course.
"Well,
just who do you think you are," asked the tramp.
"I'm
the club secretary," shouted the man.
"Well,
listen sonny," the tramp retorted. "Let me give you some advice.
That's hardly the way to get new members."
Who's tee ?
As
the two players approached the ninth tee they noticed what appeared
to be a small picnic party assembled right on the spot. "Here, what
are you doing with our tee?" one called out. "I it ain't yours,"
came the retort. "We brought it with us all the way from town."
Only golfers allowed
Eric,
the club's worst golfer, was addressing his ball. Feet apart, just
so, eye on the ball, just so, a few practice wiffles with the driver,
just so, then swing. He missed. The procedure was repeated and then
repeated again. On the fourth swing however he did manage to connect
with his ball and drove it five metres down the fairway. Looking
up in exasperation he saw a stranger who had stopped to watch him.
"Look here!" Eric shouted angrily. "Only golfers are allowed on
this course!" The stranger nodded, "I know it, mister," he replied.
"But I won't say anything if you won't either!"
Injury to a Scottish golfer
The
old golfer paced anxiously up and down outside he emergency room
of the East Lothian Hospital near Muirfield Golf Course. Inside
the doctors were operating to remove a golf ball accidentally driven
down a player's throat.
The
sister-in-charge noticed the old golfer and went to reassure him.
"It won't be long now," she said. "You're a relative?"
"No,
no, lassie. It's my ball."
Boys that swear
The
party games were a triumph and now the marble tournament was in
full swing. Then sixyear-old Simon missed an easy shot and let fly
with a potent expletive.
"Simon," his mother remonstrated in embarrassment from the sidelines,
"what do little boys who swear when they are playing marbles turn
into?"
"Golfers,"
Simon replied.
Flying home to Eire
Paddy
and Mick were returning to their native land to play in the All
Eire Champions Golf Tournament. Halfway across the Atlantic the
pilot of their plane announced over the intercom:
"Ladies
and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. I regret to say that
we have lost the use of the outer starboard engine. But there is
nothing to worry about. We still have three perfectly good engines
which will get us to Shannon airport."
And
an hour later the captain's voice was once again heard: "Ladies
and gentlemen. It's the outer port engine that's gone this time.
But nothing to worry about, we still have two good engines."
Another
half hour passed and once again the captain came on the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen. I do regret to announce that the inner starboard
engine has gone... "
"Begorrah,
Mick," Paddy turned to his mate with a worried expression. "If we
lose that fourth engine, we'll not only miss the tee off, we'll
be up here all night!"
Lost and Found
I
say greenkeeper, I dropped my bottle of Scotch out of the bag somewhere
on the seventh. Anything handed in at lost-and-found?" "Only the
golfer who played after you, sir."
Not much of a fighter
The
argumentative drunk in the club bar had been looking for a fight
all afternoon since losing his game. Finally he threw a punch at
the player on the nearest bar stool. He ducked and the drunk, losing
balance, fell off his stool and onto the floor. By the time he'd
disentangled himself from bar stools and dusted himself off, his
opponent had left.
"D'ya see that, barman.'" he complained. "Not much of a fighter
was he?"
"Not
much of a driver either, sir. He's just driven over your clubs,"
said the barman gazing out the window.
Fierce savages
Explorer:
"There we were surrounded. Fierce savages verywhere you looked.
They uttered awful cries and beat their clubs on the ground. . .
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