Golf Jokes » Miscellaneous

American tourist

That he was a wealthy American tourist was obvious. On his arrival at a small Irish hotel the tiny reception area became full in an instant. Not only were there suitcases but also golf clubs, golf shoes, golf umbrellas and several boxes of balls. "Surely now, sir," cried the manager eyeing the baggage with alarm, "there must be some mistake. We've no golf course you see and you'll be finding there's not one within miles of the place." "Well now, that's no problem," drawled the tourist. "I'm having one sent over with my heavy baggage."

Some hazard

At New Zealand's Rotorua Club they include bubbling mud pools, quicksand and steaming geysers and the water hazards are hot and fast flowing.

A visiting American player on the twelfth came across a quicksand bog.

Extending from it was a hand gesticulating wildly. "My, oh my," said the American, "is he signalling for his wedge?"

A hot summer day

The summer day was a particularly hot one, but the Englishman who was on a golfing tour of the Continent gloried in the heat even though in Italy it had most of the locals gasping.

He was playing towards the fourth hole at Pisa's Golf and Country Club when he came across a player who was completely naked and cooling herself in the water hazard.

Being a discreet soul, he cleared his throat to let her know he was there. She took no notice.

"Er, I say, hello," he called hesitantly in case she hadn't heard his previous approach.

"Er, I believe I've taken you unawares."

"Well," came a languid reply, "you junta' putta' 'em back!"

Anything for an ace

He'd been playing for twenty years and he'd never managed it - the ultimate goal, a hole in one. As he was chipping away in a sandtrap one day and moving nothing but sand, he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything," he said, "anything to get a hole in one."

"Anything?" came a voice from behind and he turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with neatly polished horns and sharpened tail.

"What did you have in mind?" the golfer enquired.

"Well would you give up half your sex life.'"

"Yes, Yes I would."

"It's a deal then," and the figure faded discreetly from sight.

On the very next hole he did it. The ball just soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole. And for good measure, every other hole he played that round he holed in one. As he was putting his clubs away the figure in red appeared once more.

"Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half your sex life."

The golfer frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said.

"You're not backing out of this," cried the figure with a swish of its tail.

"We'd struck a bargain and you agreed to it."

"Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want - the thinking or the dreaming?"

Golf with a civil servant

Good lord, Binky," the old admiral roared to his friend as he came into the clubhouse looking anything but pleased. "I've just been playing with a chappie from the Treasury. One of those civil service wallahs."

"Good oh, Bunny," replied the other old regular absently. "Bring him in for a drink."

"Can't," replied the old sea dog. "Playing the sixteenth someone shouted `fore' and the blighter sat down to wait for a cup of tea. I've come in and left him sitting there."

No free tee times

The club secretary was apologetic. "I'm sorry, sir, but we have no time open on the course today."

"Now just a minute," the member rejoined. "What if I told you Prince Andrew and partner wanted a game. Could you find a starting time for them?"

"Yes, of course I would."

"Well, I happen to know that he's in Scotland at the moment, so we'll take his time."

Beginners first round

Morris was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.

Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course.

Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never play again.

"What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Morris replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."

A favour returned

When the Maharajah of Merchandani was taken suddenly ill during a holiday in England he was attended by a young locum filling in for the Wimpole Street surgeon. The Maharajah's appendix was deftly removed and the patient was beaming.

"You saved my life," he said to the young man.

"Whatever you want shall be yours."

"It was quite simple really," protested the young surgeon.

"But I am a rich man, I insist," said the princely patient.

"Well, I'd love a new set of matched golf clubs," the young doctor admitted.

"Consider it done," came the stately reply. The surgeon forgot all about this grand promise until some weeks later when he received this cable:


Too nice for court

The sky above was blue and cloudless. Only a light breeze ruffled the treetops outside the window. If the judge had been a lawmaker instead of a law interpreter he knew he would be making laws forbidding court sessions on such glorious days.

"Well," he mused, dragging his eyes back to the court, "I guess there's no way out. I might just as well tune back in on the case."

"And in addition to that, Your Honour," the barrister for the defence was droning, "my client claims she was beaten into insensibility by a golf club in the hand of her husband."

"How many strokes?" murmured the judge absently.

Green Fees (2)

The two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry the hospital administrator had sent Bill, recent father forthe first time.

"I mean. £25 use of delivery room's just not on, old man, you know I didn't get the wife there in time and the baby was born on the front lawn.

Harry leant over, took the bill and crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee £25", it read.

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