Golf Jokes » MiscellaneousAmerican tourist
That
he was a wealthy American tourist was obvious. On his arrival at
a small Irish hotel the tiny reception area became full in an instant.
Not only were there suitcases but also golf clubs, golf shoes, golf
umbrellas and several boxes of balls. "Surely now, sir," cried the
manager eyeing the baggage with alarm, "there must be some mistake.
We've no golf course you see and you'll be finding there's not one
within miles of the place." "Well now, that's no problem," drawled
the tourist. "I'm having one sent over with my heavy baggage."
Some hazard
At
New Zealand's Rotorua Club they include bubbling mud pools, quicksand
and steaming geysers and the water hazards are hot and fast flowing.
A
visiting American player on the twelfth came across a quicksand
bog.
Extending
from it was a hand gesticulating wildly. "My, oh my," said the American,
"is he signalling for his wedge?"
A hot summer day
The
summer day was a particularly hot one, but the Englishman who was
on a golfing tour of the Continent gloried in the heat even though
in Italy it had most of the locals gasping.
He
was playing towards the fourth hole at Pisa's Golf and Country Club
when he came across a player who was completely naked and cooling
herself in the water hazard.
Being
a discreet soul, he cleared his throat to let her know he was there.
She took no notice.
"Er,
I say, hello," he called hesitantly in case she hadn't heard his
previous approach.
"Er,
I believe I've taken you unawares."
"Well,"
came a languid reply, "you junta' putta' 'em back!"
Anything for an ace
He'd
been playing for twenty years and he'd never managed it - the ultimate
goal, a hole in one. As he was chipping away in a sandtrap one day
and moving nothing but sand, he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything,"
he said, "anything to get a hole in one."
"Anything?" came a voice from behind and he turned to see a grinning,
red-clad figure with neatly polished horns and sharpened tail.
"What
did you have in mind?" the golfer enquired.
"Well would you give up half your sex life.'"
"Yes,
Yes I would."
"It's
a deal then," and the figure faded discreetly from sight.
On
the very next hole he did it. The ball just soared from his club
in a perfect arc right into the hole. And for good measure, every
other hole he played that round he holed in one. As he was putting
his clubs away the figure in red appeared once more.
"Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half
your sex life."
The
golfer frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said.
"You're not backing out of this," cried the figure with a swish
of its tail.
"We'd
struck a bargain and you agreed to it."
"Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life
do you want - the thinking or the dreaming?"
Golf with a civil servant
Good
lord, Binky," the old admiral roared to his friend as he came into
the clubhouse looking anything but pleased. "I've just been playing
with a chappie from the Treasury. One of those civil service wallahs."
"Good
oh, Bunny," replied the other old regular absently. "Bring him in
for a drink."
"Can't,"
replied the old sea dog. "Playing the sixteenth someone shouted
`fore' and the blighter sat down to wait for a cup of tea. I've
come in and left him sitting there."
No free tee times
The
club secretary was apologetic. "I'm sorry, sir, but we have no time
open on the course today."
"Now just a minute," the member rejoined. "What if I told you Prince
Andrew and partner wanted a game. Could you find a starting time
for them?"
"Yes, of course I would."
"Well,
I happen to know that he's in Scotland at the moment, so we'll take
his time."
Beginners first round
Morris
was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all
the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money
the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had
read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was
to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played
a game.
Having
listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged
up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for
the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced
the eighteen holes of his home course.
Five
hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles,
nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine
performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were
going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never
play again.
"What!"
cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught
pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know
everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Morris
replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."
A favour returned
When
the Maharajah of Merchandani was taken suddenly ill during a holiday
in England he was attended by a young locum filling in for the Wimpole
Street surgeon. The Maharajah's appendix was deftly removed and
the patient was beaming.
"You
saved my life," he said to the young man.
"Whatever
you want shall be yours."
"It
was quite simple really," protested the young surgeon.
"But
I am a rich man, I insist," said the princely patient.
"Well,
I'd love a new set of matched golf clubs," the young doctor admitted.
"Consider
it done," came the stately reply. The surgeon forgot all about this
grand promise until some weeks later when he received this cable:
HAVE
YOUR CLUBS BUT SADLY ALL NOT MATCHED STOP FOUR DO NOT HAVE SWIMMING
POOLS STOP
Too nice for court
The
sky above was blue and cloudless. Only a light breeze ruffled the
treetops outside the window. If the judge had been a lawmaker instead
of a law interpreter he knew he would be making laws forbidding
court sessions on such glorious days.
"Well,"
he mused, dragging his eyes back to the court, "I guess there's
no way out. I might just as well tune back in on the case."
"And
in addition to that, Your Honour," the barrister for the defence
was droning, "my client claims she was beaten into insensibility
by a golf club in the hand of her husband."
"How
many strokes?" murmured the judge absently.
Green Fees (2)
The
two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry the hospital administrator
had sent Bill, recent father forthe first time.
"I
mean. £25 use of delivery room's just not on, old man, you know
I didn't get the wife there in time and the baby was born on the
front lawn.
Harry
leant over, took the bill and crossed out the offending entry and
substituted another. "Greens Fee £25", it read.
|