Golf Jokes » Miscellaneous

Englishman & Scotsman

There was this Englishman and this Scotsman who were preparing to shoot a round of golf on the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews.

The Sassenach, a bow-legged squire from the Dales, stood near the tee while the Scot made a few practice swings.

Then the bow legs proved too much for the Scot and obeying a mischievous urge, he sent the ball whistling between them.

"I say, old chap," the Englishman's tone was indignant, "that isn't cricket."

"No 'tis not," grinned the highlander, "it's good croquet, thought."

Three visitors

Three visitors to Royal Eastborne Club decided to join forces for a game but, of course, they first introduced themselves each other.

"My name is Avram Solomon", said the bearded gent, "but I'm not the Rabbi."

"My name is Attila, but I'm not the Hun", said the quietly spoken youth wearing glasses.

My n-n-n-name is M-M-M-Mary, said the shy young woman, "and I'm not a v-v-v-v-v-very good player."

Two new members

Saturday night and the clubhouse was crowded and noisy. The two players were drinking at the bar and discussing their game.

"Excuse me," the barman interrupted, "you're new members, aren't you?"

"Yes," replied one player, "but in all this crowd, how did you know?"

"You put your drinks down."

80 year old golfer

MacDonald was aged 80 when, for the first time in his life, he walked into his golf club bar and ordered drinks for everyone

"What's the occasion, mon?" enquired the stunned bartender. "Hole in one?"

"No," the old highlander replied, "I've just married a bonnie lass!"

It was seven months later when MacDonald again strode into the bar and again ordered drinks all round.

"And what are we celebrating this time?" asked the amazed bartender.

"Tis the wife, lad, she's just presented me with a baby boy."

"But you've only been married seven months!"

"Tis true, 'tis true! Imagine it - two under par and me with a whippy shaft!"

What's wrong with golf ?

He'd rejected the idea of dieting, health spas and swimming but when his doctor advised golf, the corpulent patient thought it might be worth trying.

After a few weeks, however, he was back at the doctor's and asking whether he could take up some other game.

"But," protested the doctor, "what's wrong with golf? There's no finer game!"

"You are doubtless correct," the patient replied, "but my trouble is that when I put the wretched ball where I can see it I can't hit it and when 1 put it where I can hit it, I can't see it!"

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