The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.

Q: What do you call 1,000 golfers lined up on a pebble beach holding hands?
A: Pebble Beach Golf Links.

Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?
Just in case they had a hole in one.

The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.

You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.

Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?
"A golf course!!"

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other,
" My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?
Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!

Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday?
Yes, they said it was a hole in Juan.

Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday?
Yes, they said it was a hole in Juan.

The only difference between driving in golf and driving a car is that when you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

My uncle, who has golfed all his life, has his own definition of the word G.O.L.F.: Getting Old and Living Fine!

Two long time golfers were standing over looking the river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?
It's still your turn!

Did you hear about the player who spent so much time in the bunker he got mail addressed to Hitler?

A golfer has one advantage over a fisherman.
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

"Your trouble is that you're not addressing the ball correctly."
"Yeah, well I've been polite to the bloody thing for long enough."

Q: What is the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot?
A: A man will spend 5 minutes looking for the lost golf ball

The other day I was playing golf and I hit two of my best balls.
I stepped on a rake.

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome

What do golf and sex have in common?
They're two things you can enjoy even if you're bad at both of them.

"What is a handicapped golfer?"
"One who plays with his boss," came the reply.