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The
deaf mute golfer
A
deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course,
when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead
of Big Ralph". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for
his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate,
and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and
prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded
down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off,
waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.
The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle
of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and
knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway
rolls big Ralph and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's
face.
The
F-Word
This
man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have
sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins
and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to
watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said
the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of
going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee
I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions,
"No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball
got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However,
before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my
ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught
the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and
the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within
5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
Wrong
lessons
A
foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of
ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking
their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball
she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another
ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically,
"I
guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem.
You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
No
knickers
An
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and
their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course
the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped
up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her
head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman
stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance
that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a
mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with
her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded
a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she
explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make
the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on
an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground
with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing
any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a
reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling,"
she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to
make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said
"Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"
They
think of everything
A
man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked
him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding
her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy
to go to the store after playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags
full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery
store to his Rolls Royce. Upon reaching his Rolls Royce he found
it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to
open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could
you please do me a favour?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to
say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my car keys out to
open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could
reach into my pocket and pull my car keys out?" "No problem,"
she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out
as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them
up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat
quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied,
"Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving."
To which she commented, "Boy, those Rolls Royce people think of
everything."
Considering
my impediment...
A
blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson
from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing
off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it
230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering
my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the
blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe
you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed
her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240
yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good
shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said
the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have
a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show
me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250
yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good
shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said
the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have
a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show
me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.
The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280
yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful
shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said
the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have
an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show
me" said the blonde.
"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come
around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within
five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was
holding them up.
As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there
he was, screwing his heart out.
Only
once a week
Maurie
was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed
a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf,
and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a
week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's
cut some of us out altogether!"
I'm
a hooker
A
couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing
how they would continue the relationship after their vacations
were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Jody." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I
live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm
a hooker."
"I see." he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably
because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the
ball."
The
wrong tees
A
fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this
is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact,
she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they
play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close
match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He
congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a
lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been
a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she
thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says
she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time.
"In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over
so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He
pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's
ever had.
The
next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play
together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved
that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent
day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive
round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives
her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This
goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This
is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car
home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has
had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for
two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion
in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly,
she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't
work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the
reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car
to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You
bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Par
for this hole
A
couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I
have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and
age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went
to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get
done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call
room service and get some
food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love
with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over
to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get
room service to get
some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love
to his wife
one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags
himself over to
the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par
for this hole!"
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