Golf Jokes » X rated jokesThe deaf mute golfer
A
deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course,
when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead
of Big Ralph". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for
his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate,
and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and
prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded
down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off,
waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.
The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle
of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and
knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway
rolls big Ralph and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's
face.
The F-Word
This
man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have
sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins
and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. Wrong lessons
A
foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of
ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking
their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball
she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another
ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically,
"I
guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem.
You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
No knickers
An
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and
their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course
the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped
up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her
head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman
stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance
that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers. They think of everything
A
man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked
him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding
her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy
to go to the store after playing his round of golf. Considering my impediment...
A
blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson
from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing
off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it
230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Only once a week
Maurie
was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed
a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. I'm a hooker
A
couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing
how they would continue the relationship after their vacations
were over. The wrong tees A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had. The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!" Par for this hole
A
couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate |