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No free lift

A man and lady golfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed . At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds.  By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed. After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won.

Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course. "Look" said the lady to the man. "We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of 100 dollars bonus if either of us should win."  Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. "Let's see who will pee the furthest." Both agreed.

The lady took out her pants and undo her knicker. Squatted down and she began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putter's length. After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start.

At this juncture, the lady said, "No free lift!"

Mind your language

An Australian touring round Britain was playing on a small course in Devonshire. He was on the first green and about to putt when he was suddenly beset by a flock of seagulls.

"Piss off, will ya'," he cried, thrashing at the birds.

A sweet little old lady who was sitting knitting near the green came over to speak to him.

"Excuse me," she said. "There's no need to speak to the little birdies like that. All you need to say is `Shoo shoo little birdies!' Then they'll piss off."

I might be late

Frank joined a threesome; and as he'd had a very successful day he was invited back the next day for a game at 8 a.m.

"Look fellers, I'd sure like to play," said Frank, "but I could be two minutes late!"

Next morning he showed up right on time, played another lovely round but this time he played every stroke left-handed. Again, he was invited to join the threesome at 8 a.m. the following day.

"Sure, I'll be here," said Frank, "but remember I could be late, but it will only be a couple of minutes!"

"We'll wait," one of the golfers assured him. "But by the way, could you explain something that's been mystifying us all. Yesterday you played right-handed and today you played left-handed. Obviously you're proficient at both so how do you decided which way to play.'

"Ah well," Frank answered, "when I wake up in the morning, if my wife's lying on her right side, I play right-handed and if she's lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Simple as that."

"But what if she's lying on her back?"

"That's when I'm two minutes late!"

Hold it like you would...

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands penis. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?"

It still hurts

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: Please allow me to help.

I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.

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Kawasaki

A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute.

Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.

Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.

Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out Kawasaki!"

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

Cost of a round of golf

It was a Sunday morning and four good buddies were at the first tee. Number one said, "This golf game is costing me dinner for my wife tonight."

Number two said, "That's nothing, I had to agree to my wife's parents spending the weekend with us."

"Ha!" said number three, "I had to give my old lady the credit card to go shopping."

Number four said "Boy are you guys ever screwed up. I woke up this morning and the wife asked what I was planning. I replied 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Take a sweater' and went back to sleep."

£50 for a ticket ?

Tickets for the British Open are hard to get and the touts have a field day. One keen spectator was offered a ticket for £50. "That's absurd," the enthusiast declared. "Why, I could get a woman for that!"

"True sir, but with this ticket you get eighteen holes!"

Two wishes

Paddy was playing golf at a very exclusive club in County Kerry for the first time, and on the sixth hole he hit a hole in one. Jubilant, he walked down to the green and, just as he was taking his ball from the cup, up popped a leprechaun.

"Sor," the leprechaun bowed politely and continued. "This is a very exclusive course which has everything, including the services of a leprechaun if you make a hole in one in the sixth hole. I will be delighted to grant you any wish your heart desires."

"Saints preserve us," said Paddy in shock. But seeing the leprechaun waiting so patiently he thought for a minute then admitted shyly that he did have a wish.

"I want to have a longer penis," he confided. "Your wish is granted, Sor," the leprechaun said and disappeared in a puff of green smoke down the hole.

So Paddy headed back to join up with his friends and as he walked he could feel his penis slowly growing. The golf game progressed and Paddy's penis kept getting longer and longer until it came out beneath his shorts and reached down below his knees.

"Hmmmm," Paddy thought, "maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all." So he left his friends and went back to the sixth hole with a bucket of balls and began to shoot. Finally he hit a hole in one, and by the time he got down to the green, he had to hold his penis to keep it from dragging on the ground. But he managed to take the ball from the cup and sure enough, out popped the leprechaun.

"Sor, this is a very exclusive course," said the leprechaun bowing once again, "and it has everything including the services of a leprechaun . . . oh it's you again.

Well what will it be this time?"

"Could you make my legs longer?" pleaded Paddy.

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