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Charlie walks into the clubhouse and throws his jacket and hat into the corner of the room and says, "That the last time I ever play golf again" Nigel who was sitting at the bar looks at him and asks, "why are you giving it up"
Charlie: "I lost 12 balls today, and its not even windy"
Nigel: "you need one of these"
Charlie: "what so special about that golf ball"
Nigel: "you can't loose it"
Charlie: "right I''ll give you a scenario of my round today. On the fourth I hit an 8 Iron to the green and I sliced it into the lake"
Nigel: "easy, you just whistle and clap your hands once. The ball inalates itself floats to the top of the water a little engine turns on and it drivs to the edge of the lake and flips back on to the fairway"
Charlie: "OK. I was on the fifth and I drove off the tee and ended up in the 3 foot grass"
Nigel: Easy. Just walk over to the grass area whistle and clapp your hads twice. The Ball switches on a little motor to start the grass cutter and when it get to the edge of the grass it flips itself back onto the fairway"
Charlie: "THAT IS BRILLIANT!!! Where did you get it?
Nigel: "I FOUND IT!"
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"
Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."
Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.
Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
A lady was vaccuming the bedroom one day when she hit something under the bed. When she pulled it out, she was amazed to find a shiny silver box with nine golf balls and $25,000 in cash inside. When her husband came home, she called him up to the bedroom. "Honey, what is with the box? There's nine golf balls and $25'000 in here.
The man replied, "Well, every time we have had bad sex, I put a golf ball in there."
"That's not bad," the wife replied, "we've been married for 25 years and there's only nine in there, but what's with the money?"
"Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they like the game of golf. "What I like about golf," the first guy said, "is that you get to spend the day outdoors in the sun and fresh air, exercising your body and mind."
"Screw that," said his friend. "I'll tell you why golf is such a great game. Where else can a guy like me get to spend the day with a bunch of hookers and not have his wife kill him!"
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers? O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!
Tiger Woods is visiting a posh and popular southern states-area Country Club after winning the Masters Championship. He finds the front doors locked. After ringing the ornate doorbell, a club member sticks his head out and looks Tiger up and down. "Can I help you?", he asks.
Tiger replies, "Yes, I'd like to play a round of golf at your club."
The uppity club member shocks Tiger by saying: "Sorry, you can't play here. The club for your kind is about a 4 iron down the road."
Angered almost beyond control, Tiger straightens his green jacket and screams, "But, I'm Tiger Woods, the 1997 PGA Masters Champion!!!"
The man, obviously embarrased, hits himself in the forehead and says, "Oh, Tiger Woods! I'm so sorry! It's only about a 6 iron for you."
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Two queers were playing golf one day. They were on the 2nd tee when a golf ball narrowly missed the one queer. His friend turned to him and said, "Quick, lie down and pretend that ball hit you. When the golfer comes over, we will sue him for every penny he's got."
The queer does this and when a big, burly man comes over apologizing the queer says, "Sorry? That ball could have killed my mate! We are going to take you to court and sue you for every penny you've got!"
The big man replies, "Yeah, well you can go and suck my cock."
With this, the queer says to his mate, "Quick get up, he's going to settle out of court."
A man is out playing golf and is having the round of his life. He comes up to the 17th hole, a long par 5 with a large oak tree in the middle of the fairway. He hits a beautiful tee shot down the left side of the fairway. When he gets to his ball, he finds that there is one limb hanging over the fairway that may interfere with his 2nd shot. The man thinks to himself, "Do I pull out a 7 iron and play it safe or do I pull out the 3 wood and go for it?" The man has been having the best round of his life so he decides to pull out the 3 wood and go for it. He hits his second shot which hits the overhanging limb, bounces straight back at him striking him in the head and instantly kills him.
Now the man is at the Pearly Gates and is standing in front of Saint Peter. Saint Peter is looking in his book and can not seem to find the man's name. Finally, Saint Peter is so frustrated that he asks the man, "How did you get here?"
The man replies, "I got here in two."
Three friends were playing their regular Saturday morning round of golf. They were joined on the 1st tee by a stranger who proceeded to hook his drive into the bushes. The stranger and his caddy went to look for the ball while the other three waited on the fairway.
After about five minutes when the golfer and the caddy failed to reappear, the three others went in search of them only to find the golfer performing anal sex on the caddy.
"Get away from there, you nasty fellow," the three others shouted.
"Please, please, you don't understand," said the golfer, "when we came into the bushes, my caddy suffered a heart attack and I was only trying to revive him."
"But that's not how you revive someone when they suffer a heart attack," shouted the three others, "You have to give the person mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
"I know," retorted the golfer, "How the hell do you think this started?"
A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.
After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"
"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."
"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.
The Pro then called a Caddy.
"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.
"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.
Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.
Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."
A lady golfer ran into the clubhouse screaming, "HELP, HELP! I've been stung
by a bee and I'm allergic."
The golf pro responded, "Where?"
The lady answered, "Between the first and second hole!"
The pro stated, "You're stance is too wide."
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time, 'What is loft?' "
The pro says, "Lack of fucking talent."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife
one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to
the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
Three members of a foursome are standing in the fairway waiting for their fourth to hit his ball from 30 yards into the right rough. While waiting, one guy asked another how his son was doing. The fellow replied, "Really great !! You know that he is a car salesman and he sold so many cars last year that the dealership told him he could give a car to anyone he chose, and at no cost."
"That's wonderful", said the first guy. "Sounds like my son, who is a boat salesman. He sold such a high dollar amount of boats that the dealer gave him a 19 foot runabout to give away to anyone he wished."
The third fellow chimed in, "That's amazing! My son sells condos for a living and he also did so well last year that the developer told him he could give a 1 bedroom unit to anyone of his choosing."
About that time, the fourth member gets back to the fairway and joins his buddies. One asks, "John, how is your son doing ??" John replied, "Oh I'd rather not talk about him if you don't mind. I just found out that my son is gay." "Oh wow, that's a shame John", said the first golfer, "That must be Hell for you to deal with."
"Well I guess it's not all bad" said John, "Just last month he received a free car, a free boat, and a free condo !!"
A man and lady golfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed . At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds. By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed. After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won.
Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course. "Look" said the lady to the man. "We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of 100 dollars bonus if either of us should win." Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. "Let's see who will pee the furthest." Both agreed.
The lady took out her pants and undo her knicker. Squatted down and she began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putter's length. After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start.
At this juncture, the lady said, "No free lift!"
A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, " you know... you look like my third husband."
He says, Oh yeah and then asks her how many times she's been married.
"Twice," she replies.
A guy is playing golf with a priest on day. A the first hole, the priest hits a lovely drive down the fairway and looks to the heavens and says, "Thank you God, thank you for that shot!"
The other guy then slices his tee shot into the trees and screams, "What a fuckin' useless shitty freakin shot that was!"
The Priest turns a blind eye to this and they continue. On the second hole the priest knocks a lovely drive right down the middle and says, "Thank you Lord, thank you for helping me strike that ball so well!"
The other guy hits a complete shank and bellows, "What a fuckin shitty pox weak arse girls blouse shot that was!"
The priest turns to him and says, "My son, you cannot keep cursing like that or the Lord will strike thee down in his vengeance to all things impure." The Guy apologizes and they continue.
On the third hole, the priest knocks a lovely iron onto a Par 3 and it goes straight in for a hole-in-one, " Thank you my savior," crys the Priest, "thankyou, Lord, forever I will be in your debt!"
The other guys hacks one straight into the water and goes off the handle. "You fuckin hopeless asswipe! What kind of a fuckin useless shitty shot was that?" he screams.
Just then, the clouds open and a huge finger points out from above and sends a lightning bolt out which hits the Priest and kills him on the spot. From the heavens a voice booms, "What a fuckin shitty shot that was!!!!!!!!!"
Bill and Sam were two old retired golfers in their 70s who went out of town often on golf vacations. One weekend they decided they would go on a trip to California and play Pebble Beach. As they were playing, Bill was telling Sam how good the new Viagra pill was and Sam didn't have much to say about it.
That night, Bill went off to sleep and Sam got to wondering about the pill. So he got up, found some of the pills in Bill's suitcase and took one. He lay there a few minutes and nothing happened. He thought that Bill had been pulling his leg so went off to sleep. A couple of hours later, Bill awakens only to hear this loud banging on the wall. He turns on the light and sees Sam hitting the headboard hard with the back of his wrist as fast as he could. Sam Says, "What the hell are you doing Sam?"
Sam says, "I got my first hard up in 10 years and both my hands are asleep."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either!
The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"
Once, the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match with a $100 bet
on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than
I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole and, as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well,
you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."