More Golf Jokes

Three friends who had a regular 8:00 am golf game were standing on the first tee waiting to begin.  They noticed a stranger who was standing on the putting green, by himself.   They asked him if he would like to play along.   He agreed, and the match began.  The three of them agreed that the stranger, a right-handed player, had a great swing.  Sure enough, he made 18 straight pars.   Enthusiastic about the great player they had met, they asked him if he would like to play the next day.   "Sure, and I won't be more than two minutes late."  
The next morning the stranger was there, right on time.  To their amazement, however, he took out a set of left-handed golf clubs.  Using a perfect left-handed swing, he again made 18 straight pars.  The group was overwhelmed.  The invitation was again extended for the next morning.  "I'd love to play.  I won't be more than two minutes late."
The next morning, the stranger he warned, two minutes late.  The group could no longer hold their curiosity.  One of the said, "Hey, buddy, you're the greatest golfer we've ever played with.  You made 18 pars in a row the first day right-handed and 18 pars in a row the second day left-handed.  How do you possibly decide from which side you will play?"
"Oh, that's easy",  the stranger answered.  "I use my wife as a guide.  If she wakes up on her right side, I play right-handed.  If she wakes up on her left side, I play left-handed."
"What if she wakes up on her back?", one of the three asked. 
"That's when I'm two minutes late."

John suddenly left the last hole and dashed to the clubhouse bleeding profusely from a large gash in his forehead. One of his member buddies asked him, "What the hell hit you?"
John explained that he and his wife were playing with another couple and were playing the 18th, which ran along a pasture with cows grazing in it. The other couple's wife hooked her tee shot into the pasture. All four went looking for it. After a long search, no luck. John goes on, "On a whim I decided I would check the cows, and lo and behold after lifting several tails there was a ball lodged in one of the cow's rear ends. I called my buddy's wife over and just asked her, 'Does this look like your's?'" That's when she clobbered me with her 5 iron.

A pastor had a really bad golf habit and, since most of his days were spent helping the community, the only time he could sneak a round in was on Sunday morning. He felt quite guilty about this but just couldn't find any other time to play.  One Sunday morning he was alone on the links, and God and St. Peter happened to look down upon him.
St. Peter said, "Look at that man of God, playing golf before church on Sunday, I believe he should be punished."
"Your right," God replied, and snapped his fingers just as the pastor made contact. The ball sailed right at the hole and dropped in for an ace.
"Why did you do that?" St. Peter said. "I think he should be punished and you give him a hole-in-one!"
"Sure," God replied, "but who's he gonna tell?"

A man and his wife walk out to the first tee of their local course.  The man tells his wife to go ahead and walk up to the ladies tee as they wait for the group ahead to hit.  As soon as the fairway clears, he hits his tee shot, which he drives straight into the back of his wifes head.  As he waits in the hospital, to hear the condition of his wife,
the doctor emerges from the examination room. The doctor explains that the man's wife will be O.K. but is concerned that he found a golf ball lodged in the woman's rectum. "What the hell is that all about?" the doctor asked of the man.

The man repied to the doctor, "Oh, that's my mulligan."

This hacker approaches the 18th tee box,It's a par 3 island green surrounded by water. Well after his so far terrible day of golf, He decides he had better use an old golf ball. He steps up to put the ball on the tee and hears a voice from above. The voice says, "USE A NEW BALL." So the guy proceeds to pull a new ball out of his bag and tee it up.
He hears the voice again. "TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So the guy takes a
practice swing.

Then he hears the voice again "PUT THE OLD BALL BACK!"

This guy takes the day off work and decides to go golfing. He is on the second hole when notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to hit his shot when he hears "Ribbit. 9 iron."
The guy looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again he hears "Ribbit. 9 iron."
He looks at the frog and decides he will humor the thing. He pulls his nine iron and proceeds to land the ball 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked and amazed, to say the least. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
Figuring he has nothing to lose, the guy takes the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" the guy asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out his three wood and, BOOM! Hole in one! The first of his life.
The guy is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the round, he has shot the best score of his life.
The guy decides he should hang on to the frog for awhile and asks the frog, "OK, what next?"
The frog replies "Ribbit. Las Vegas." So off they go to Las Vegas.
Once there the guy says, "OK, what next?" "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon getting to the Roulette table the guy says, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "$3000, black 6."
Now this is a million to one shot, but after the golf, the guy figures, what the heck.
BOOM! Tons of cash comes sliding his away from across the table. The guy takes his winnings and gets the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I'm forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Kiss me."
The guy figures, why not? After all the frog did for him, he figures it's the least he could do....what would it hurt?
With the kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Elle Mc Pherson has taken up golf and has been trying to break 100 but can't. She's had 100, 101,102 but still can't crack the ton.  One day she turns up at her local course and asks three guys teeing off if she can join in.   These guys are wrapped and agree immediately.  She tells them of her desire to break 100 and one of the guys says, "Well, we are three handy players and we'll give you a few tips on the way around and see what happens."
After 17 holes, Elle is at 95 and only a short par 4 lies between her and her dream.  After 3 shots she lies only 12 inches from the cup.  Elle turns to the 3 guys and says, "OK, I only need this putt to break 100 and you guys have been giving me great tips all day.  The guy who gives me the best tip and helps me get this putt, I will make wild passionate love to them right here, right now!  This will not be any average roll in the hay, this will be earth shattering, mind blowing knee trembling ohh my god unbelievable love making session ever.  You will be telling your children about this and they in turn will tell their's and their grandchildren will still be telling their
grandchildren long after you have gone!"

These 3 guys get a little nervy as the prize on offer is awesome and Elle turns to the first guy and asks, "What's your tip?"  He replies, "It's a little left to right breaker, just aim at that leaf and let the ball die into the cup."
"OK," Elle says and turns to the second guy and asks, "What's your tip?"
He has to think of something better so he tells her, "Don't give the hole away, you will never forgive yourself if you come up short, just hit it firm at the back of the hole!"  "OK," she says as she takes this advice on board and turns to the third guy who, by this time, is stark naked and in an obvious state of excitement. Elle shrieks "What are you doing?"
"Pick it up," he says, "It's a gimme!"

A foursome approached the 10th tee and the man with the honors was just about to tee one up when a ranger drove up and interrupted their play.   He pointed to the man who had ridden with him and was now carrying his clubs toward the green.
"Could you let my friend play through?  He'll be quick, he hits it long and straight.  I'm asking for him because he's deaf and dumb.  How about letting him on through?" said the ranger.
"We're not too shabby ourselves, and I'm one of the longest drivers around.  We paid our money and what's more we have carts.  He can wait his turn like we did," said the man, and he teed up his ball, set up quickly and sent one screaming down the fairway.
The ranger, a bit surprised, decided to bow out.  He shrugged and walked back to his friend and explained to him in sign language that he'd have to wait, and then drove off.   The other three men teed off rather quickly too, and the carts were soon well down the runway.  When it came time for the first golfer to hit his ball (his ball had gone the farthest), he sent one up, right on the green.  He was back in his cart and was starting to brag when he was smacked on the back of his neck with a golf ball.   He whipped the cart around and looked back.  'Way back on the tee was the deaf and dumb man holding up four fingers.

President Clinton got together with some of his golf buddies for a round. When they got ready to tee off on hole No. 1, Clinton removed his golf jacket and revealed that he had a pair of panties stuck to his upper left arm. Nobody in the group had enough moxie to ask about it, so they palyed their eighteen holes as usual.

When the game was completed, and drinks were flowing profusely at the "19th
Hole",  one of the group got enough "Jack Daniels" courage, and asked," Mr.
President, what's the story on those panties you have stuck to your left arm?"
Clinton replied, "It's a patch...I'm trying to quit."

What's the difference between a golf ball in the woods and a woman's G-spot?

A guy will spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball in the woods

Two strangers met on the first tee of the golf club and after playing a few holes got behind two women who really slowed them down.  One golfer says to the other, "You go up and ask them if we can play through."
The second golfer gets about half way up then turns and runs back to his new
friend and says, "I can't go up there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. You better do it."
So the second golfer starts toward the women but half way, he too, turns and runs back to his playing partner and says, "It's a small world, isn't it?"

A husband and wife were sitting at the 19th hole when, suddenly, the wife starts thinking of death. She turns to her husband and asks, "Honey, if I pass away
would you give your next wife my $5,000.00 diamond ring?"

The husband replies "of course I would, I wouldn't want to see it go to waste."
The wife then asks, "Would you give her my collection of mink coats?"
The husband replies, "Of course I would, I don't want to see them turn into moth food."
the wife then asks, "Would you give her my set of Callaways you bought for me last week?"
"Of course not," the husband says, "she's left handed!!!"

A man and his wife were playing golf one day at an exclusive club. Immaculate fairways lined by million dollar houses.  The man tells his wife, "Honey, whatever you do, don't hit the windows of one of these houses. It'll cost a fortune to have it replaced." 
As fate would have it, on the 15th tee, she shanks one right through the plate glass window of a mansion. The husband says "Well, let's go over and see what it is going to cost us."
They knock on the door and a voice says come in.  They walk in and see the broken window and a broken vase on the floor.  A man on the couch says "Are you the ones that broke my window?"  They reply yes and apologize.  The man on the couch says, "No, I want to thank you.  You see, I'm a genie and have been cooped up in that vase for a thousand years.  You have freed me.  I have three wishes to use.  I will give each of you a wish and keep the 3rd for myself."   He asks the man "What is your wish?"
He says, "I would like to have a million dollars each year for the rest of my life."
The genie says "It's the least I can do, there is a million dollars in your bank account now."  He asks the woman, "What is your wish?"  She says, "I would like to have a house in every country of the world."
The genie says, "It is done."
The husband then asks the genie, "What are you going to wish for?"   The genie replies, "Well, I have been cooped up in that bottle for a thousand years and I haven't had a woman in all that time.  I would like to sleep with your wife."  The man tells his wife, "You know honey, that is a lot of money and all those houses. I don't really mind." 
The woman agrees and she and the genie go upstairs.  The genie ravishes the woman for 2 hours.  After the genie is done, he asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"  The wife says, "36. Why do you ask?

The genie says, "36 years old and he still believes in genies!"

A guy hits his ball down the left side of the fairway, and when addressing the ball on the next shot, hears a voice say "Please don't hurt the Buttercups." When he looked around, out from behind a tree came Mother Nature who proceeded to explain that she had nurtured these Buttercups since they were tiny seedlings. "In fact", she said," if you avoid hurting these Buttercups, I'll see to it that you will never want for butter again the rest of your life. You will have all the butter you could possibly

"Oh great!," said the golfer, "Where were you last week when I was in the Pussywillows?"

A bad golfer was searching for his lost ball in a cave when he came upon an ancient lantern in the dirt.  He rubbed it hard, and out came a genie.  The genie said, "Today is your lucky day.  I will grant you three wishes, but be forewarned- anything that I grant you will be granted to your mother in law in double quantity!"  "Cool", the bad golfer thought as he pondered his three wishes.

"First, I would like one set of Callaway Tungsten-titanium irons",he told the genie.  "Your wish is granted," said the genie, "and your mother-in-law has just had two sets of irons delivered to her home."

"Second, I would like one million dollars to travel the world golfing.", said the bad golfer to the genie.  "Your wish is granted," replied the genie, "One million dollars has been deposited into your bank account, and I have placed 2 million dollars into your mother-in-law's bank account."

"All right!" the bad golfer thought, "Now, for my third and final wish, I would like you to scare me half to death!"

There are these three friends who play golf together every Saturday.  Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by   himself, asked them if he could round out their foursome. The guys said     "Sure."   The guys made idle chit chat to break the ice, and asked the stranger  what he did for a living.

"I'm a hitman,"says the stranger.  The guys chuckled, and he continued, "No really, I am a hitman. My rifle is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like."

Sure enough, there was this state of the art rifle with a huge scope  on it. One guy said, "WOW! That's an amazing scope!  I bet I can see my house through this!" He looks for a second and said "HEY I CAN ! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked --and -- WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!"  Furious, the guy asks the hitman how much it cost for a hit.

"It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The cuckolded husband says, "$1000?  That's a lot... But, dammit, I don't care!  I want TWO hits. I want you to shoot my lousy, cheating wife right in the mouth! She is always nagging at me and it would be just what she deserves after treating me like this!  Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agrees. He gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes.  Well, the man  gets impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for.

The hitman replies "Hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

Moses, Jesus, and this other guy are out enjoying a round of golf at the famed (and Heavenly) Augusta National Golf Club.

Moses steps up to the tee of the picturesque yet deceiving and tricky uphill/downhill Par 4 11th, unsheathes his brand new 9 degree Callaway Great Big Bertha graphite shaft Titanium driver and crushes a long one...  It's right down the left-center of the fairway, but in  Tigeresque fashion, his ball flies through the fairway and toward the pond in front of the green.  His caddie is standing at the crest of the hill watching the flight of the ball and he yells back at the tee box to Moses; warning him it's heading straight for the water.  So     just before the ball finds its watery grave, an alarmed Moses quickly raises his club, the water of Rae's Creek begins to part, and his ball takes a huge bounce off a now dry and exposed rock at the pond's bottom and lands safely on the left fringe of the green.  He goes
ahead and plays out.  With an awesome Phil Mickelson type bump-and-run, he chips up to within six inches or so and then drains  what's left for a Birdie.  He begins to brag to the rest of his threesome about his creative shot-making skills...

Next on the tee, Jesus strolls up and hits a nice, long one    directly toward the same water hazard stemming from Rae's Creek.  It heads for the exact center of the pond, but just before splash-down, it begins to hover about an inch over the water.  Jesus adamantly     declines Moses's offer to let Jesus borrow his new FootJoy DryJoys and GolfSmith Gore-Tex Wet Suit and he walks nonchalantly out onto the pond and chips his Titleist DT Wound 100 Compression HP2 Tour up and into the hole for Eagle.  He winks at Moses and gives a boastful smile of confidence to the other guy.

So now this other guy gets up and casually whacks his tee shot.  It's a ferocious hook of ugly proportions; flying high and way out of the fairway to the left trees, way beyond the O.B. markers, over a fence and into the neighboring Augusta Country Club where it    bounces off a broken-down golf cart, and hits a tree.  From there it bounces back out to the edge of Augusta National, finds the top of the leader-board above the 11th green, falls down hard onto a sprinkler head below, bounces high into the grand-stands at the 12th Tee, and
then rolls gently down the hill back toward the aforementioned pond next to the 11th.

On the way to the pond, the ball firmly hits a little stone in the fairway and bounces out    over the water onto a strange lily pad in the pond, where it rests quietly.   Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps onto the lily pad and snatches the ball into its mouth.  A rare bald eagle swoops down, grabs the frog with its claws and soars away.  As they pass high over  the 11th green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball from its mouth, which now lands miraculously onto the center of the large yet narrow green, takes two quick hops forward and then a Tour Balata  back spin, runs out in a direct line to the hole, rolls slower and slower on this laser-precise Augusta green, ever closer and closer to the cup and finally, in Masters Championship fashion, drops in, dead center, for a beautiful Hole-In-One!

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playin' with your Dad."

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been bit by a bee and was having a reaction.
"Where was she bit?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." was the reply.
He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive."

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: "What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with him."
Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Priest: "That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Four players are on the tee while a funeral procession passes on a course side road.
After the first three players hit their tee shots, the fourth pauses with his hat over his heart while the funeral procession passes. When urged by his fellow players, "come on, what are you waiting for?"

The paused player responded, "It's the least I can do, I was married to her for 28 years!"

A husband and wife had taken up golf to be able to spend more time together.   After playing for about a year,  they decided that they needed to take a lesson so the game would be more enjoyable.  So off to the local pro they go for lessons.  First the pro takes the husband out to the driving  range  for his lesson.  "Okay," says the pro, "hit a fewballs so I can see what you're doing."  The husband hits a few balls just spraying them all over and the pro says, "I see your problem.  You have a death grip on the club and thats what causes your inconsistancies.  You need a softer, more gentle grip.  Hold the club like you would hold your wife's breast and hit a few more."  So he adjusted his grip and started hitting long strait balls.  The pro tells him that if he has any other problems to come see him.  Now its time for the wife's lesson. Same routine at the range, she hits a few balls and they're in the trees on both sides of the range.   The pro tells her that she has the same problem  as her husband and needs a gentler grip on the club.  He tells her "Hold the club like you would hold your husband's penis."  Now she understands the concept and he has her hit a ball. Perfect shot, strait down the middle but only fifteen yards, so the pro says, "You did really good that time.  Let's try hitting the ball once more, but this time, take the club out of your mouth."

On the first tee one golfer brags to his partner about his wonderful new ball: "It's impossible to lose. If you hit it into the woods, it begins beeping so you can locate it easily; if you hit into water, it releases a buoy and floats to the surface."
"Fantastic, where on earth did you ever get it?"
"Oh, I found it yesterday on the third hole!"

An avid golfer went on a Caribbean golf cruise when his ship hit a reef and sank.  All hands were lost, but he managed to swim to a deserted island.  After two weeks of eating coconuts and despairing of rescue, a gorgeous blonde in a wetsuit appeared through the surf and approached him:
"Hello, would you like a cigarette?"
"Oh please, I haven't had a smoke in two weeks"  
She unzipped her wetsuit an inch and handed him a pack of cigarettes; "how about something to eat?"
"Great! I've had nothing but coconuts." She unzipped a couple of more inches and gave him a candy bar.
After watching him greedily devour the candy bar, she whispered, "Want to play around?"
"Christ, you've got a set of clubs in there too?"

A man and his wife were teeing off on the 14th hole par 4.   Both their tee shots landed at exactly the same spot - behind a shack which blocked their view to the green.  The man opted to play it safe back to the fairway but his caddy opposed.

"Sir, if I may help," the caddy advised "If I open the shacks doors you can make a clean punch shot to the green."

The caddy opened the doors in the front and back of the shack.  "You're right," the man replied,"I'll do just that."   He addresses the ball - makes a backswing that would make the PGA proud -hits the ball which misses the doorway and ricochets onto his wifes head - killing her instantly.

One year later ...

After a year of not playing golf, the man decides to do so again.  He finds himself on the 14th hole par 4.  He hits his tee shot and again finds himself behind the shack where his ball, one year ago, landed.  "I'll just play out from here to be safe" he told his caddy.

"Sir, if I open these doors, you would have a clear shot to the green," his
caddy said.

"I don't think so ... you remember what happened here last year?" the man

"Yes sir," said the caddy " You shot a double bogey."

During confession, the golfer stated, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The Father replied, "Tell me what you have done, my son."

He told him that while playing golf last Tuesday, he used the "F" word.   When asked about the circumstances that led up to using the word, he told him this:

"While on the 18th tee, for a short par 4, I duck-hooked his drive into the woods."  The Father asked if that was when he used the "F" word.   He said, "No."

He went on to tell him that he could see a very narrow window out of the woods that, if he used his 3-iron to keep low, he might be able to punch out and possibly land on the green.   After hitting the shot, he watched his ball fade and then land in the sand trap at the right front of the green.  The priest asked again if that was when he used the "F" word.  He said, "No Father," and told him that he then walked into the trap to survey his next shot. 

"The ball was sitting up pretty nicely, and I thought if I could just get it out and close to the pin, I might still be able to salvage par.  I then hit one of the best sand shots in my life to about 18 inches from the cup," said the golfer.

The Father then asked "You didn't miss that f---ing putt did you?"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.  Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.  But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

A guy is paired up with Jesus one day when they approach a 174 yard, par 3 with a pond guarding the front of the green.  The guy tees off with his 5-iron and lands it on the green.  Jesus steps up and surveys the hole. "Hmmm," he says, "Tiger Woods would hit an 8-iron, I'm going to hit an 8-iron."

Jesus tees off and SPLASH!  He comes up short into the pond.  He sets up another one and again says, "Tiger Woods would hit an 8-iron, I'm going to hit an 8-iron."  Again, SPLASH!  Finally, the guy tells Jesus to just take a drop and he agrees.

As they are walking toward the green, Jesus tells the guy that he is going to retreive his first two shots from the water and he'll meet him on the green.   Jesus then walks atop the water when another guy from the foursome on the next hole spots this and says, "Hey, who does this guy think he is? Jesus Christ!"

To which Jesus' playing partner replies,"Actually, he IS Jesus Christ, but he THINKS he's Tiger Woods!"

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