Bad golf around the world

By Matt Paulson,
Contributor

Despite the love of the game we all feel, the excitement we ooze every time we tee off, the ample satisfaction we taste every time we make solid contact, the smile that inevitably broadens every time the ball funnels into the cup, many heathens still call this love boring. Well, to put it as crassly as possible, I've got your boring right here.

Let's bring it to London, where a German Shepherd named Libby realized one day she had a penchant for little dimpled balls. The dog would fetch and find golf balls while with her owner, Mike Wardrop. Well, apparently some of those balls seemed to find their way farther down the recesses of Libby, as a recent surgery discovered that there were no fewer than 28 golf balls in Libby's belly. Wardrop took her in to the vet after he noticed her coughing up blood. Libby is now recovering from the surgery, which left her with 30 stitches across her belly.

All the chaos stemmed mainly from the walks Wardrop and Libby would take every day. "When I take her for a walk every day, she is prone to finding golf balls," Wardrop said. "She can fit five in her mouth." It was also reported that Ron Jeremy has repeatedly called the Wardrop house asking for Libby.

On to Warsaw; no, not Poland, the other Warsaw, the uninteresting one: Virginia. Here resides Thomas W. Rhodes, and all his spherical friends. Former Virginia Department of Transportation Northern Neck Resident Engineer, Rhodes has developed the hobby of cutting the skin off golf balls, carving a face in the ball's core and painting on the eyes, lips and hair. "They become my friends," said the slightly odd retiree to the Associated Press. "I hate to part with some of them."

Rhodes does give most of his friends away to just about anyone, whether they want it or not.

Recently, he brought his kit and his wife - in that order - on a five-day bus trip to South Carolina, where he carved 13 balls along the way.

"I enjoyed giving them as tips to waiters, bellhops and maids in the hotels," he said. Yeah, thanks. My landlord will be pleased when I hand him Saddam Hussein's and George W. Bush's likenesses instead of a rent check.

Nudity. OK, I know your eyes perked up here. Yes, three Welsh men, after downing more than a few pints at the 19th hole, decided to venture back out onto the course -- sans clothes. Nick Kehoe, 21, his brother, Peter, 19, and their schoolteacher friend Gareth Rees, 29, performed a striptease on the gold course at the Maesteg Golf Club in Wales. Because of their antics, the three were suspended from the members-only club for three months. To be honest, I'm not sure what's most disturbing: the fact that they were all male, the fact that two were brothers or the fact that one of them was a SCHOOLTEACHER! Either way, I do truly wonder: How cold was it?

Now for a little golf-cart chaos. A golf cart was recently stolen from Bond Hill Country Club in Cincinnati on an early Sunday morning. The cart apparently broke an axle and the driver lost control of the vehicle, veering into a nearby fence where the cart got stuck. One of the suspects was apprehended, and the two other remain at large. Be on the lookout for empty bottles of Bacardi Breezers and many, many empty bags of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

Oh, but the carting fun does not end there. An unidentified source reported that he saw that a "buggy was floating up to its roof in the water" at the 14th hole at Forest of Arden club near Meriden, West Midlands. But it gets better; English midfielder Lee Hendrie had just passed through the hole and was curiously missing his cart. Apparently, the footballer's quickness came in handy, as the 26-year-old leapt from the veering vehicle just before it disappeared into the abyss. A spokesman declined to comment on the incident. However, staff were reported to have made light of the incident. Well, no kidding. He lost his golf cart. Not his keys. Not his wallet. His golf cart! What's next: His house?

So there are a few stories. I know. I know. So many stories, so little time. Well, here are a few honorable mentions.

Montie recently pulled out of a tournament in China amidst rumors that his wife has become uncomfortably chummy with Hugh Grant. The couple has been reported to have experienced unending marital struggles.

The Children's Charity Classic golf tournament has recently awarded Jared Fogle, the humongous Chubster from the Subway commercials, the Red Coat as the Mad Anthonys' 2004 Hoosier Celebrity of Year. Congratulations, Jared. Shame on you, America. Who's next: William Hung?

Winner of this year's Players Championship at Sawgrass, Adam Scott, sacked his caddie Alastair McLean without any explanation. Bagging your bagman after he led you to your biggest victory to date? That's cold, man. Vijay wouldn't even do that. Well, maybe he would.

To Cape Town: A 15-year-old is reported to have been paralyzed after being hit on the head by a golf ball. Zeshaan Kootbodien of Plattekloof was hit point blank in the head with a tee shot after another teenager teed off without warning him. He is still recovering and parents are praying for him to recover his speech and the use of his limbs. I do have a heart. I can't make a joke about this. I'm pulling for you, Zeshaan.

Finally, to end on a little higher note, but not much. A pair recently took a 19 on the 18th hole. After finding the fairway in an alternate shot formation, Chris Manby and Paul Frisby proceeded to put seven balls in the lake on the par-4, 398-yard hole. But what's worse: Frisby and Manby beat their opponents by four strokes. Now that's bad golf.

April 29, 2004