Humorous Golfing Lists

Top 10 why golf is better than sex

10. Choice of public or private courses

9. Lessons are available

8. If you're good you can turn pro and do it full time

7. Can clean balls at every hole

6. Choice of wood, aluminium or graphite

5. The less strokes the better

4. If you lose a ball, you still have two left

3. Threesomes and foursomes happen all the time

2. Can pick the size of your shaft

1. Every hole is well groomed and manicured

Top 10 signs your partner is a murderer

10. You start out as a foursome and end up a duo

9. He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel

8. Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman

7. When he yells "Fore!" people really pay attention

6. Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole

5. Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag

4. When you drive into the rough, he says, "You play golf about as well as Marcia Clark prosecutes!"

3. His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the local putt-putt

2. When you ask, "What's your handicap?" he says, "Violent paranoid schizophrenia"

1. His caddy: A.C. Cowlings

What happened to important people of 1923

Do you know who in 1923 was:

  • 1. President of the largest steel company?
  • 2. President of the largest gas company?
  • 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
  • 4. Greatest wheat speculator?
  • 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
  • 6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money.

Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?

  • 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
  • 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, died insane.
  • 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
  • 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
  • 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
  • 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.

The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. He was still playing golf at 90 and solvent.

Moral: Don't worry about business and concentrate on your golf!

20 Golfing Laws

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day

Random thoughts on golf

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

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