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Who do you think you are

Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a five iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. A Jesus step up to tee off, but His drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of a water hazard. Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his next shot.

"Jesus!" yells Palmer, "Who do you think you are, Jack Nicklaus?"

Why are these Americans good at golf

Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?

O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

Arnold Palmer & Tiger Woods

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

Stevie Wonder & Jack Nicklaus

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

How to stop Tiger Woods slicing

Tiger Woods was teeing up on the first hole of the Open championship, he hit his first shot and it sliced to the right. His next shot was no better, again he sliced it right.

Feeling disgruntled, he jokingly asked if anyone could prevent him from making the ball go right, and to his suprise a little old lady pushed her way to the front of the crowd and said she had some magic powder that would stop his shots going right.

Tiger was a bit dubious about this, but thought he would have nothing to lose. He teed up the ball and the little old lady sprinkled this magic powder onto the ball. Tiger took his shot and it went 320 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

Tiger was impressed. He lined up his next shot and again the little old lady sprinkled the magic powder on to his ball. Again it flew straight as an arrow and finished two feet from the flag.

Tiger was amazed at this and asked the little old lady what the magic powder was.

"It's Daz" said the little old lady.

"Daz!!" exclaimed Tiger.

"Yes Daz" said the little old lady,"Apparently it stops colours from fading !"

Tiger Woods in Nepal

Tiger Woods, in need of a well-earned rest, flew off to Nepal. But like any golfer on holiday, he had of course to try the local links - a mountainous course situated high in the Himalayas. The club was delighted to welcome him but desolated that they couldn't provide a caddie as the Sherpas who usually attended were on an Everest expedition. However, they assured him they could provide a yak who would serve very well instead. "Sahib Woods," assured the secretary, "this animal is of inestimable value but you have to watch out for him as he does like to sit on golf balls. It is, however, no problem as you have merely to reach under him and remove the ball. The yak will then continue on with the caddying." Forewarned and only slightly perturbed, Tiger set out. Over the first eight holes he had only had to remove the ball from beneath the sitting yak twice. Then on the ninth hole he had to drive the ball blind over a rocky outcrop. The yak took off after it and Tiger followed the yak. He caught up with it beyond the rocks. It was sitting in a water hazard - right up to its neck. Tiger stripped off and dived in the icy water to rescue his ball. He groped around under the yak but could not feel it at all. He surfaced, took another deep breath and tried again. Still nothing. Almost frozen, he tried again but with the same result. Finally he gave up and frozen to the bone made his way back to the clubhouse. "Hey fella, what's going on?" He explained to the secretary how he had dived three times for his ball but that the yak refused to move. He told the man how he couldn't find his ball and was almost frozen to death in the process. "And" he went on " that bloody yak is still sitting out there in the water hazard" "Oh a thousand apologies". The secretary was very apologetic, "I forgot to tell you. The yak also likes to sit on fish" Back to Joke Categories >>

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