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Ladies, don't be Wie: Know the etiquette of playing golf with men

Tim McDonaldBy Tim McDonald,

Watching Michelle Wie's meltdown at the John Deere Classic was painful in more ways than one.

It was embarrassing for her, for Nike and for all those giggling young girls who want to be like Michelle.

Clearly, she didn't know the golf etiquette of playing with men. Playing partner Jeff Gove chastised her for holding things up. That tends to happen when one is on the verge of vomiting pineapple projectiles.

"I saw she was hurting, but she never said anything," Gove told reporters. "And she was walking real slow, which I thought was inconsiderate again, because we're trying to keep up. If we get on the clock again, that's painful."

Gove said their Friday outing was actually better than Thursday's, when he said he explained to Wie about fines for PGA Tour.

"Oh," Wie reportedly said.

In any case, it got me to thinking about women playing golf with men in general. We - men, that is - allow women to play golf with us occasionally, usually when we are either married to them or when the starter swears there is no other way.

I've found that very often, women simply aren't aware of the rules of etiquette when playing with the physically superior. So I offer these helpful hints to women who find themselves playing with us warriors.

• Wear something extraordinarily provocative. Either a super-low-cut blouse or a golf skirt that reaches up to somewhere just south of Canada. This will help in several ways. First, it will cut down on the men's initial griping at having to play with a female. Also, it will ensure the men won't be trudging in disgust off the green until you have retrieved your golf ball from the hole.

However, be advised: In case the men in your group are drinking heavily, you'll want to have something more conservative to slip into. Either that or a small carving knife.

• Tee off where the men do, even if it's from the back tees. We're tired of having to wait while you prance up to the pink tees, well after we've teed off from the manly tees. You gripe that we sometimes forget about you and drive on ahead while you're trying to tee off. Not true. We haven't forgotten. We're sending you a message, like Gove did to Wie. Speed it up.

Don't worry about keeping up with the men - USGA statistics prove the average group of male golfers seldom hits it farther than the average girl.

• Buy the first round of drinks. This will ingratiate you to the men in your group and let them know you're one of the boys. A smart ploy is to keep this up during the duration of the round; they will overlook your obvious shortcomings as a golfer. And if you know any good Irish drinking songs, belt them out.

• Fall all over yourself complimenting the men's good shots, especially their drives. Most men don't care about anything else; they just want to be the longest off the tee. This is where you can really curry favor: When one of the boys hits a good drive, fan yourself like you're about to faint and say, "Oh my, I've never seen such length!"

And if, god forbid, you should accidentally happen to out-drive any of them, exclaim to all: "I don't know where that came from, boys. I must be ovulating!"

• Urinate behind a tree. I understand this goes against your every instinct, but damn it, just try! It'll set you free. The men in your group will be so awestruck they'll buy you a beer.

• Don't be such a stickler for the rules. Ignore it when the men cheat. Hell, encourage it. Say, "Goodness, that's a terrible lie," when one of your male partners whacks it in the rough again. Then bend over, making sure to show maximum cleavage, and fluff up his golf ball all nice and neat and sitting up pretty. He'll shank it anyway.

• Under no circumstances should you beat them. Understand this well, ladies. Why do you think all those men hate Michelle Wie?

Veteran golf writer Tim McDonald keeps one eye on the PGA Tour and another watching golf vacation hotspots and letting travelers in on the best place to vacation.

Reader Comments / Reviews Leave a comment
  • Funny stuff

    Ron Rat wrote on: Aug 8, 2006

    If those people complaining about this being sexist could only turn their attention to the real issues in womens sports instead of this article we would all be better off. Teenagers should be in school and hanging around the beach and not being subjected to grown up pressures. If Michelle was in Thailand she would most likely be a caddy and forced to offer sexual favours to extract a tip. Now that is offensive.


      • RE: Funny stuff

        peter wrote on: Sep 8, 2006

        WTF!! Do you have any respect toward other people? I'm Thai and feel upset with your f*cking comment about sexual favours in Thailand. Who the f*ck do you think you are!


      • RE: Funny stuff

        Dario Whitfield wrote on: Aug 11, 2006

        Would it be offensive if it was said to / or your mother or daughter. Not everyone finds poor taste as funny and it should not be tolerated.


  • Funny stuff

    Dano wrote on: Aug 5, 2006

    Get a sense of humor, this was some funny stuff.....


  • Tim McDonald Article

    Dario Whitfield wrote on: Aug 2, 2006

    First off for you to have seriously given thought to publishing this clearly negative, sexest demeaning garbage for all to see you the publishers are at fault.
    I'm and black man and have played golf all over the world and I've never seen anything so offensive in golf. It's astonishing that this even made it to press. Ben Wright, a former European Tour player lost his job as a golf analyst several years ago by saying during a live broadcast of womens golf that "women could never be great golfers because they had breast that restrict their swings". This article was clearly in the same vien as that.
    Shame on you for allowing Tim's thought's to be read by millions of people around the world.
    Now to the real sorry case of a professional journalist. Even if the article was written in jest, it's not funny. His grandmother and mother must and should be ashamed to have raised such a shortsighted, insensitive, immature idiot. I'm sure it baffles their minds how this happened. And what must his daughter(s) think? I'm not good enough to play golf so I must demean myself around men to gain their approval? Not much difference between that and prostitution is it?
    There is plenty of blame to go around on this, the writer should be fired without question - don't get me wrong I know he won't, but any publisher worth his salt would stand up and do the right thing, not attach some lame disclaimer at the end of the piece about it "not reflecting the views of management". If you really look at it that is condoning that whole thing. Which I guess sits well with "management". What would "management's" grandmothers, mothers, sisters, wives or daughters think of you or themselves.
    And I don't think we need to discuss sensitivity training or just plain professionalism do we?


  • Oh Lord

    theophilusgates wrote on: Aug 1, 2006

    Another decent web site full of idiots. Hey, guess what? Life isn't fair, get over yourself.


  • Women golfers

    Mike wrote on: Aug 1, 2006

    Anyone who has played enough golf and with enough types of people know there is a large portion of the female golf population that indeed try and accomodate to men too much when playing with them. Too often I see women hurrying their shots and sometimes even skip holes because they fear they'll be too slow. The game would be much more fun to these women if a: they weren't so self conscious and b: men were more accomodating to them.
    I should also point out that men spend 5000% more time looking for their ball in the woods over women. I rarely run into a female golfer - aside from beginners - who plays slow. If anything, they need to slow down.


  • Etiquette for Writers

    uderpar wrote on: Jul 31, 2006

    This article is extremely offensive. I don't care if it was meant to be funny, it objectifies women and that is never funny. I thought that we had come farther than this in our society, but apparently we haven't all kept up. This article is not humorous; it only perpetuates stereotypes and the belittling of women. I happened to stumble upon this website, and I surely will not be returning to it as I feel unwelcome as a female golfer.


  • Etiquette for Women

    Jay wrote on: Jul 26, 2006

    I told you this guy knows humour. His joke beats Chandler in 'Friends'. However, I was dead wrong that he is popular among women.


  • Recommendation

    Wanted to be a golfer wrote on: Jul 26, 2006

    Remove cheek from tongue and insert foot in mouth


  • Etiquette for Women article

    Female Golfer wrote on: Jul 26, 2006

    Could you be more of an offensive, sexist pig?!?!
    I'm in the field of marketing and PR for golf and on behalf of female golfers everwhere, I HIGHLY reccomend deleting this article.
    If men do hate Michelle Wei, it's because they can't handle the fact that women golfers can kick their a$$es in the game too.


      • RE: Etiquette for Women article

        tim mcdonald wrote on: Sep 29, 2010

        PR. Hah! Figures. I've never known a PR person with a sense of humor. I'll bet you're ugly too and have small breasts.


      • RE: Etiquette for Women article

        kevin wrote on: Jul 26, 2006

        Well, aren't you the prickly one!
        In order to mentally play golf (male or female), a sense of humour is required. The great God/Goddess of golf throws you into enough bizzare situations that you have to laugh or most golfers would perform Hari-Kiri in the first year.
        The article was done in jest, mocking both men AND ladies equally.
        Loosen up and enjoy satire as well as the grand game.


      • RE: Etiquette for Women article

        willie wrote on: Jul 26, 2006

        Hey Female Golfer, if you are in Marketing and PR you should learn how to spell, and you should know Michelle's last name is Wie, not Wei. And then you should learn how to take a joke! You sound just like my first wife. (Thats an insult by the way)


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