TORONTO -- The standard goals of the average North American male include accumulating automobiles powered by rocket fuel, purchasing high-powered rifles, and of course, picking up "chicks." In a recent nationwide survey the No. 1 item men felt they needed to survive was a "hot blonde with an attitude."
Food and water ranked 45th and 97th respectively.
Other items in the top 10 were motorboats, satellites, missiles, and very big golf clubs. We will concern ourselves then with this most intriguing item that was ranked first on the list - or more specifically, how to attain the top item while on the golf course (may as well kill two birds with one golf ball - ahem).
Interestingly, many of the conventional or popular tactics of attracting women become obsolete or ineffective on the golf course. In other words, the standard code of ethics regarding babe scouting, planning the approach, and going in for the kill must be abandoned if you want to be a "chick magnet" on the golf course. After all, you've got a game to play too.
Surprisingly, being a chick magnet on the golf course comes down to form, your choice of slacks, and something somewhat intangible, which we'll call, as the great Austin Powers terms, your "Mojo." I shall expand on each of these points.
It cannot be understated that most male golfers have about as good a chance of looking like a touring pro as, say, Margaret Thatcher winning a bikini contest. In order to gain the attention of the opposite sex, form must be improved upon before the swing. The pre-shot routine is where you need to make your initial statement. The waggle of the club is an imperative movement, which should be expanded to include a noticeable waggle of the buttocks. This will induce the flow of estrogen in the female. Thus, implementing the "rear-end wriggle" will be your first strategy.
Choice of Slacks
We only need look as far as Jesper Parnevik to realize that proper slack selection is fast becoming the unseen (or in his case, the very much seen) advantage when attracting attention from the opposite sex. Your pants should pulsate. Now, at first glance, that appears to be a dangerous statement. However, when taken in the proper context, one realizes that "pulsating pants" actually refers to pants that are alive and full of character. Your slacks should radiate a seductive charm that emanates from every stitch and seam. Try wearing denim cut-offs or polyester Sansabelts (preferably burgundy or green) that are four sizes too small.
As earlier mentioned, "Mojo" is difficult to define. The problem, of course, is that it encompasses many things. It is a special virtue few men can grasp, let alone uphold. It is as mystical as it is palpable. It is as intrinsic as it is extrinsic. To have it is to be it. To be it is to know it. Only the greatest "chick magnets" of our current era can truly guide us. From Austin Powers to Fabio, from Neil Diamond to Julio Iglesias, we must learn from the "great ones" if we ever hope to obtain it for ourselves. A wink to the beautiful woman sitting beside the tee-box, followed with a piercing 3-iron shot into the cup, capped off with a sensual adjustment of the Sansabelts would be a suitable example of golfing "Mojo." How's your Mojo?
Gentlemen golfers, what then shall we do to capture the elusive maiden? Adhere to traditional courting methods and hope she beckons atop her castle fortress? I think not. It is time for male golfers across the globe to make a strategic stand and attain their uppermost dreams. Then again, perhaps really, really big golf clubs will suffice.
January 4, 2003
Andrew Penner is a longtime member of the Canadian PGA. Author of "One Flew Over the Caddyshack," he also writes for a number of magazines throughout Canada and the U.S.
We all love golf course rankings, but there's quite a bias involved, huh? Host a major championship and you're basically guaranteed a spot on the list. What about the average duffer who's more impressed with the beer list than the slope/rating - or prefers friendliness over the fine, imported lotion in the locker room? Where's our list, hackers? Answer: Right here.
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