"Get your sticks, Heywood," The Boil says, "we're teeing off in nine minutes." (Mike Bailey/WorldGolf.com)

Attack of "The Boil" (or: Playing golf with someone you hate)

Imagine being on the most beautiful golf course you've ever played, the sun is out, it's 75 degrees, and there's no wind. What could be more perfect than these conditions other than actually being able to play the game with the same ball for all 18?

Chances are you'll be throwing a few clubs and many of the words you'll be using will be of the four letter variety. That's okay because you know that the only chance you have of scoring under 100 is if you quit after nine holes.

But there is something else will cause frustration, anxiety and the uncontrollable urge to wrap a driver around someone's neck. An outside entity over which you have no control.

It's the one thing that every bad golfer tries to avoid.

THAT GUY!

That Guy, or to give him a name, "The Boil," is the guy who thoroughly annoys you from the minute you reach out your hand to greet him at the first tee, he gets under your skin and you'd love to bust his head. Being placed into a foursome with him by the starter is unavoidable and you will soon realize that most likely you'll finish up the round with a mouth-full of blood from biting your tongue all day long.

To help you recognize that guy, here are the characteristics associated with "The Boil."

* Everything matches from the straw hat to the soft spikes.
* During the handshake, he introduces himself using his full name. "Hello, I'm Charles Richard Winthorp the Third." To which you could reply, "I'm Heywood Jablome, nice to meet you," but you don't, you just use your first name.
* His balata balls are marked.
* On his Big Bertha oversized bag, he has tags from every major golf course in the U.S.
* He has head covers for his irons.
* Before teeing off, he practices his swing using a club weight. You see this and think, "Yeah, I can see a graphite driver needing to be made lighter!"
* When lining up for his drive, he stands behind the ball, aims the club down the fairway and asks his friend if he should start this one off right and draw it back into the fairway.
* After you shank your drive into the muck which lies 75 yards in front of the tee box, he makes that sucking in air sound and insists you "try" another one.
* Over the course of playing the first seven holes, he has announced every time he is going to hit his new 60-degree lob wedge from 50 to 75 yards off the green, insisting each time he just can't get the distance right. Of course you notice the average distance he's getting is about 20 yards.
* He cleans his clubs after every shot (and replaces the iron covers).
* After the front nine, in the clubhouse having a J&B on the rocks at 10:30 in the morning with the pencil behind his ear, he's analyzing each hole and every stroke he's had by going over the marks he's made on the scorecard detailing each shot.
* He had called you "Son" more than your own father ever has.
* He refers to his yardage marker booklet for the course for every shot.
* And finally, the foot-long cigar he smokes with the band still on it.

Although you can do nothing to avoid "The Boil" he's a great excuse for explaining the busted clubs and the 145 you shot for the day.

September 10, 2003