Golf Jokes » Life-death

Drag George

A fellow comes home after golf one Sunday afternoon, falls asleep on the couch, and doesn't wake up until about 9 PM. His wife asks why he is so tired. "Well, You remember George, my golfing buddy? He died today, on the fourth green."

"That's terrible, it must have been awful" she says. "It sure was," he says, "For the next 14 holes it was drive, drag George, chip, drag George, putt, drag George..."

That was my provisional

Bill got a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. Bill told him the whole sad story. "We were on the third hole. Sally, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's box when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock, I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."

The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"

"Oh," said Bill. "That was my provisional."

Respect for the dead

Yes, and there's the one about the party of golfers who notice a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course. Ralph suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead." So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.

Finally, Ralph remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved." Bill replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."

I kept her tee time

Fred, playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

Couldn't get over the water

These two couples play golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water. One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water.

Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hynotherapist as rumor was that that could be of help in such a situation. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.

About six months later, someone at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith, that she hadn't seen Mrs. Smith playing golf at the club for almost four months now. She was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth!

Here's your tee time

There was a guy who was an avid golfer. He played golf every chance he got; in the rain, in the cold, he even used black balls to play when there was snow on the ground. His wife joked, half in jest, that she was a golf widow and she really wouldn't miss her husband all that much if he died before her, for he was never around anyhow. He spent all his spare money on golf items and gadgets; trick exploding balls, tees with no indentation on the top so the golf ball would roll off it, towels with witty golf sayings on them and all kinds of golf hats.

One night he was in bed asleep after having played 36-holes of golf that day. He was tired but he dreamed of replaying the whole round. Suddenly his dream was interrupted by the appearance of an angel. It was an angel like he had seen in Bible drawings and other art work depicting angels. He was instantly awake.

The angel, with a full set of wings and wearing a long flowing white robe, stood at the foot of his bed. "John," the angel said, for the man's name was John.

"Yes, what is it? You are an angel, aren't you?" John asked.
"Of course I'm an angel. You don't think I'd normally walk around in this silly costume, do you? In fact, I'm your guardian angel," the angel replied.

"Does that mean I get three wishes?" John asked.

"No, I'm not that kind of guardian angel," the heavenly being answered. "As you know, John, you're getting on in years and you don't have as much time left on earth as you once did. Although I can't grant wishes for you, I can answer questions you might have about the hereafter. You do believe in the hereafter, don't you, John?"

"Oh yes and I've been good, with maybe the possible exception of having played too much golf in my lifetime," John replied.

"Playing golf is like going fishing," replied the angel. "There is no such thing as playing too much golf or going fishing too often. Do you have any questions about heaven?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," answered John. "I've often wondered if there are any golf courses in heaven. Can you answer that question for me?"

"Gee, John, no one has ever asked me that question before. I'll have to go back and check on it. Go back to sleep and I'll be back in about 20 minutes." With that, the angel disappeared. John rubbed his eyes and opened them again. The angel was gone and John wondered if he had just had a weird dream. He rolled over on his side and was soon snoring softly again.

True to his word, the angel reappeared within 20 minutes. "John," the angel called.

John woke up to see the angel again standing at the foot of his bed. "Oh, you're back."

"Yes, John, I'm back and I have the answer to your question. But before I tell you, I have to advise that the answer is in two parts, good news and bad news. Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

"Oh dear, I suppose give me the good news first," responded John.
"Okay, the good news is there are golf courses in heaven. All the courses have been designed by Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. There are no greens fees and electric carts are provided at no charge. You have the choice of any brand of clubs you desire. Each course has 36-holes. The greens are always freshly mowed, the sand traps freshly raked, the roughs aren't too high and you never lose a ball in the water for the balls float. When you hit a ball into the woods they always ricochet back into the middle of the fairway. And on every par three hole you will score a hole-in-one. Yes, you will have a wonderful time playing golf in heaven."

"Oh, that sounds wonderful. With all that good news what could the bad news possibly be?" John wondered aloud.

"The bad news is you have a nine o'clock tee time tomorrow morning."

The hitman

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.

After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"


Then he asked "What color siding?"


"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.

Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"


"Your buddy got black hair?"


"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"

The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"

Unlucky Sam

Dame Fortune was seldom kind to Sam . Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love Sam; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.

His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.

Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.

Immovable obstruction

Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.

Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.
Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"

Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away."

I'll go back as a...

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes,the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself.

Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian.

Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!

Submit a golf joke to Bad Golfer!