Golf Jokes » Life-deathDrag George
A
fellow comes home after golf one Sunday afternoon, falls asleep
on the couch, and doesn't wake up until about 9 PM. His wife asks
why he is so tired. "Well, You remember George, my golfing buddy?
He died today, on the fourth green."
"That's
terrible, it must have been awful" she says. "It sure was," he says,
"For the next 14 holes it was drive, drag George, chip, drag George,
putt, drag George..."
That was my provisional
Bill
got a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's
recent death. Bill told him the whole sad story. "We were on the
third hole. Sally, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about
30 yards ahead of the men's box when I hit my drive. From the sound
when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock,
I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball
wound up."
The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what
about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"
"Oh,"
said Bill. "That was my provisional."
Respect for the dead
Yes,
and there's the one about the party of golfers who notice a funeral
passing by on a road adjacent to the course. Ralph suggests to the
others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the
dead." So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after
car goes by.
Finally, Ralph remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person
must have been well loved." Bill replies, "Yes, she was. We would
have been married 25 years tomorrow."
I kept her tee time
Fred,
playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome. After
a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a
beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played
the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had
passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.
The
twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have
been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all
wanted to go to the funeral."
Couldn't get over the water
These
two couples play golf together regularly at their club, and on the
sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry
80 yards over water. One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year,
could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally
psyched out by the presence of the water.
Her
friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hynotherapist
as rumor was that that could be of help in such a situation. So
the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions,
the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions"
that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not
see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way
up to the green. About
six months later, someone at the club asked whatever happened to
Mrs. Smith, that she hadn't seen Mrs. Smith playing golf at the
club for almost four months now. She was informed that five months
earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth! Here's your tee time
There
was a guy who was an avid golfer. He played golf every chance he
got; in the rain, in the cold, he even used black balls to play
when there was snow on the ground. His wife joked, half in jest,
that she was a golf widow and she really wouldn't miss her husband
all that much if he died before her, for he was never around anyhow.
He spent all his spare money on golf items and gadgets; trick exploding
balls, tees with no indentation on the top so the golf ball would
roll off it, towels with witty golf sayings on them and all kinds
of golf hats. The hitman
One
morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy
approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided
to play 9 holes together.
After
teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What
do you do?" the first man asked. "I'm
a salesman. What about you?" "I'm
a hitman for the mob," replied the second man. The
hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous
and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business.
I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled
out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of
scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived. Still
nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The
hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into
a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?" "Gray."
Then
he asked "What color siding?" "Yellow."
"You
got a silver Toyota?" "Yeah,"
replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy
of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car." "That
your red pickup next to it?" Looking
baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking
through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck.
What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?" The
hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"
"Yeah."
"Your
buddy got black hair?" "Yeah!"
"Well,
I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem.
They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said
the hitman. "Problem??!
THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right
now!" The
hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said,
I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I
don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head,
then shoot him right in the groin!" The
hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared
into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know
what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
Unlucky Sam
Dame
Fortune was seldom kind to Sam . Although Sam had a real zest for
life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker
did not love Sam; he played the stock market with great anticipation
but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His
life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.
His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great
golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot
that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough
to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away.
But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and
his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of
his home course.
Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It
was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were
being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of
bounds.
Immovable obstruction
Sam
and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked
slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right
between the eyes and he drops to the ground. I'll go back as a...
A
man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and
went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates
of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his
golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes
mistakes,the man would have to go back to earth as someone other
that himself.
Well,
the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter
that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint
Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return
as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way
I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!! |