Golf Jokes » Life-death

Right side of the grass

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

Why are you fighting

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10 green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.

The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.

"Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."

Thanks for saving his life

An American tourist was playing golf in Scotland when he came to a hole with a fast flowing river running down the side of the fairway. A young boy was sitting at the bank of the river and as the tourist hooked his drive and hit the boy who fell into the river. By the time the worried golfer arrived at the river bank, the boy was sinking into the deep water for the third time and was looking poorly.

The tourist immediately jumped into the river and after a real struggle managed to bring the boy to dry land where he quickly revived him. He then brought the boy back to the clubhouse where he arranged for a taxi to take the boy home.

About an hour later a man arrived at the clubhouse and asked the Pro, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"

The Pro replied "He's over in the hotel - check with the receptionist."
The man then went to the hotel and asked the receptionist, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"

"Yes, I'll call his room and ask him to come down," was the reply.
A few minutes later the American tourist came down. The man asked him, "Are you the man who saved my son?"

"Yes, I sure am," was the reply.

"Well, would you have his cap?"

How did you get here

Man playing by himself on a gorgeous clear morning, thinking he wouldn't be dead for quids. After parring the first two holes, he lines up on the third, a 400 yard par four, and hits a screamer down the middle. He lines up his second with a 3-iron, but shanks it. It hits a tree, ricochets back, hits him between the eyes and he drops dead on the fairway.

His spirit floats up to the Pearly Gates. "Who are you? says St. Peter.

"Henry Chapman" says Henry Chapman.

St Peter looks at his clipboard and scratches his head. "I've got no record of you being due; how did you get here?"

"In Two."

An odd cure

Peter was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Sharon had to go and get the test results from the doctor. 

"Now Sharon, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Peter may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment.  The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange.   Peter needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle." Sharon nodded and left. When she got home, Peter was anxious to find out what his test results were. 

"Well Sharon, what did Doctor have to say?  Sharon looked him straight in the face.  "Your gonna die."

I've just killed my wife

I've just killed my wife," cried the hysterical golfer rushing into the clubhouse. "I didn't see her. She was behind me you see," he sobbed, "and I started my back swing and clipped her right between the eyes. She must have died on the instant."

"What club were you using?" asked a concerned bystander.

"Oh, the No. 2 iron."

"Oh, oh," murmured the other, "that's the club that always gets me into trouble too."

I'm drowning

Misjudging its depth, Ron went wading into the lake to retrieve his badly sliced ball. Very quickly he was floundering out of his depth and as his tweed plus-fours became waterlogged, found himself in real' trouble.

"Help, I'm drowning!" he shouted to his partner.

"Don't worry," came the reply. "You won't drown. You'll never keep your head down long enough."


Golf in hell

Having led an interestingly dissolute life composed largely of women, drinking, gambling and golf, but not necessarily in that order, at the end of it, the new arrival was not too surprised to find himself in hell. He was however quite surprised to find that his particular corner of Hades was an eighteen-hole golf course complete with gentle woods, a cooly serene lake, well kept fairways, an immaculate green and a clubhouse with the usual professional's shop. The reprobate's delight was complete when he read the shop's notice. HELP YOURSELF. ALL EQUIPMENT FREE. "Well, this is going to be tough to take," he leered as he chose a bag containing perfectly matched clubs. So laden he ambled to the first tee where he took out a driver, gave a delighted practice swing and then felt in the ball pocket. It was empty. He was about to return to the shop to remedy the situation when he noticed a grinning figure in red. "Don't mind me," the grin grew wider, "and don't bother going back for balls. There aren't any. That's the hell of it!"

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