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Play
it as it lays
Bill
and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together
and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots
on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive
up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle
for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it
ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.
"Guess
I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill,
"We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his
ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his
ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower
down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement
as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within
3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green.
Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph
responds, "Your six iron."
He's
a liar
A
group of golfers was searching for one of their golf balls out in
the deep rough. After several minutes of laboring, the golfer who
sliced his ball out into the trash declares he has found his ball,
inciting another in his group to scream out
"He
is a damn liar! I have his ball in my pocket!"
You
don't get a shot here
A
businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free
day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was
any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.
After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the
Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"
"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't
see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."
"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.
The Pro then called a Caddy.
"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his
handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to
his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy
picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung
over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided
to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.
"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.
Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees.
He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the
loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree
above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking
in his hand.
"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said
the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5.
"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.
Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes.
As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's
rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've
saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green.
The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled
back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he
had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As
he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile
emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell
to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side
looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Stroke
Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."
Use
old golf balls
Ralph
goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, Bill is about
to tee off in front of him. Bill takes a brand new ball out of his
bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee and slices into the trees.
"Damn!"
He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps
it, and tees it up. Thwack! He then hooks it miles into the bushes.
"Damn!"
He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when Ralph approaches
him. "Err, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand
new balls. Why don't you use an old one?" Bill looks at Ralph.
"Cos
I've never bloody had one!"
A
compatible gentleman
Four
men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday
morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the
club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out
the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.
"But,
you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained,
"that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts,
and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and
he was our spotter."
The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned
the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking
gentleman, named Gary.
"How
old are you?" George asked.
"I'm
ninety-four," Gary responded.
"Fabulous,"
said George. "But how's your eyesight?"
At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may
be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't
insult me!"
"Okay,
okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."
George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that
faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.
"Did
you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.
"Did
I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course,
I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Gary yelled.
"Okay,
I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"
Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."
Low
eighties
"I
play golf in the low eighties," the old man was telling one of the
youngsters at his club.
"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."
"Not really," said the old man, "Any hotter and I'd probably have
a stroke."
A
quick nine holes
A
young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very
fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the
tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing
alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit
the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much
time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of
his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man
finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right
over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard,
hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and
it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally
lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your
age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
He
really is good
Dick
brings a friend to play golf with 2 of is buddies to complete a
foursome. His buddies ask him if is friend can play gol,f Dick says
that he is very good.
This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies
look at him and said you said your friend was a good golfer, Dick
says yes he is watch him play. They see the ball come out of the
bush on the green this guy takes 2 putts makes is par.
Second
hole par 3 this guy hits the ball in the lake, the 2 buddies looks
at Dick again and say "you said this guy was good" Dick
replies that this guy was a great player.
So
he walks in the the lake, 3 minutes later and they can't see the
guy. All of a sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they
tell Dick to dive in the lake to go get your friend, he's drowning,
Dick replies "No, that means he wants a 5 iron".
Not
scoring well this year
Two
long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer
in the clubhouse.
"I
can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been
playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and
worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the
year before, and the year before that, the same thing"
"That's
depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing
this year?"
"Put
it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing
next years game!"
If only i'd hit it
At
the Glenelg seaside course in South Australia a novice managed a
mighty drive off the first tee. It hit, and bounced off in rapid
succession, a rock outcrop, a fisherman, a tree trunk, the handle
of a golf cart, a player on the second tee and finally it dropped
onto the green about ten centimetres from the hole.
"Well,"
the player exclaimed, "if only I'd hit the bloody ball a bit harder!"
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