Golf Jokes » You scored

Play it as it lays

Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.

"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green.

Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron."

He's a liar

A group of golfers was searching for one of their golf balls out in the deep rough. After several minutes of laboring, the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash declares he has found his ball, inciting another in his group to scream out

"He is a damn liar! I have his ball in my pocket!"

You don't get a shot here

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.

After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.

The Pro then called a Caddy.

"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention.  The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.

"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. 

"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5.  "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.  "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green.  The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water.  He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play.  As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg.  As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."

Use old golf balls

Ralph goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, Bill is about to tee off in front of him. Bill takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee and slices into the trees.

"Damn!" He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! He then hooks it miles into the bushes.

"Damn!" He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when Ralph approaches him. "Err, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don't you use an old one?" Bill looks at Ralph.

"Cos I've never bloody had one!"

A compatible gentleman

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.

"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary.

"How old are you?" George asked.

"I'm ninety-four," Gary responded.

"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"

At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!"

"Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.

"Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one.

"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Gary yelled.

"Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"

Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forgot."

Low eighties

"I play golf in the low eighties," the old man was telling one of the youngsters at his club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the old man, "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

A quick nine holes

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

He really is good

Dick brings a friend to play golf with 2 of is buddies to complete a foursome. His buddies ask him if is friend can play gol,f Dick says that he is very good.

This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and said you said your friend was a good golfer, Dick says yes he is watch him play. They see the ball come out of the bush on the green this guy takes 2 putts makes is par.

Second hole par 3 this guy hits the ball in the lake, the 2 buddies looks at Dick again and say "you said this guy was good" Dick replies that this guy was a great player.

So he walks in the the lake, 3 minutes later and they can't see the guy. All of a sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive in the lake to go get your friend, he's drowning, Dick replies "No, that means he wants a 5 iron".

Not scoring well this year

Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.

"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"

"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"

"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

If only i'd hit it

At the Glenelg seaside course in South Australia a novice managed a mighty drive off the first tee. It hit, and bounced off in rapid succession, a rock outcrop, a fisherman, a tree trunk, the handle of a golf cart, a player on the second tee and finally it dropped onto the green about ten centimetres from the hole.

"Well," the player exclaimed, "if only I'd hit the bloody ball a bit harder!"

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