Golf Jokes » You scored

Help him find it

Fred and Harry were playing their usual weekend match on the links at Royal Sydney and were annoyed by an unusually slow twosome in front of them. One of them was seen to be mooching around on the fairway while the other was searching distractedly in the rough.

"Hey," shouted Fred, "why don't you help your friend find his bloody ball?"

"He's got his bloody ball," came the reply. "It's his bloody club he's looking for."

Late tee off

"Your late teeing off, Fred"

"Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or to play golf"

But next week...

As he was walking his dog one weekday afternoon, Fred, the bookie the punters loved to hate, espied a young lad upon the local links. Fred stopped for a moment to watch him tee off and stayed for longer when he saw that the boy had talent.

Indeed he had holed his tee shot. He was about to call out his congratulations when the lad teed up again and once more holed in one.

Now Fred, never one to let an opportunity pass, walked up to the youngster, congratulated him and asked: "How old are you, lad?"

"Eleven, sir," the young person replied.

"Anyone else here seen you play?" Fred enquired.

Having received the assurance that no one had, Fred proposed a match the very next day with the club champion lined up against the young tyro.

The odds were handsome - 10 to 1 against the new young player.

The lad, however, took 11 at the first hole and went on around the course in much the same way. Of course he lost badly. Fred was furious.

"You've made me look a right fool my lad. What's the idea of pretending you can't play?"

"Listen, dope," the youngster whispered, "next week you'll get 100 to 1."

I have to give up golf

I'm going to have to give up golf," Fred sadly advised the club secretary. "I've become so nearsighted I keep losing balls and if I play with glasses they keep falling off."

"Listen, don't give up;" the secretary replied. "What about teaming up with old Harry Jones." "But he's in his 80s and can only just make it around the course."

"Yes, yes, he's old, but he's also farsighted and he'll be able to see where you've hit your ball. It's a way to stay on playing."

The next day Fred and old Harry played their first game together. Fred teed off first and his powerful swing took the ball sailing up the fairway.

"Did you see it?" he asked Harry. "Yes," the old-timer answered.

"Where did it go?" "I forget!" came the reply.

The rich novice

He was rolling in it. Made his money in scrap metal after the war and on retirement he had almost everything he wanted including time to enjoy himself - even time to take up golf. He bought the best of everything he needed. Great clubs, shoes, sweaters as worn by the professionals, the lot, and he attacked his first game with gusto.

Behind him he left fairways looking like they'd been ploughed and greens looking like moles had surfaced in their hundreds. There were broken flag pins, clubs and mangled balls left in his wake, along with beercans, fag butts and a littering of discarded score cards. His score was 285 which he celebrated over a steak and a pint.

"Excuse me, sir," a discreet voice interrupted his mastications. "I'm the convenor of the Greens Committee."

The novice looked around, his face filled with indignation. "You're just the bloke I want to see. These brussels sprouts are cold!"

Kiwi visiting Ireland

Then there was the New Zealander holidaying in Ireland and trying out Limerick's public course, famed for its difficulty. Driving from thick woods on the twelfth, he aimed for the fairway but as he could not see it yelled "Fore!" and swiped. His ball struck a local player.

"Arrah, ye great mullock," cried the Irishman, as the Kiwi emerged in pursuit of his ball.

"But I called, `Fore' and that's the signal to get out of the way."

"Well, when of call, 'Foive,' that's the signal to punch your jaw! Foive!"

A little liquid refreshment

A little liquid refreshment at the nineteenth is of course all part of the game but the two Scots enthusiasts had partaken of nothing else but the national beverage throughout a long lunch break. They returned to the links and played five holes before collecting themselves and their thoughts together.

"How do we stand, mon?" Jock asked. "I dinna ken, Jock," Sandy spoke very carefully. "I'd say it was just a miracle."

Could have been worse

Hey, George, did you hear the awful news about John?" The two golfers were talking over a drink in the club bar.

"No what happened to him.'"

"Well he had a great round on Wednesday - under seventy I heard - anyway he finished early and drove home, and found his wife in bed with another man! No questions asked... he just shot 'em both! Isn't it terrible?"

"Could have been worse," George commented.


"If he'd finished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!"

I'm hoping to do better

What's your golf score?" the country club interviewer asked the prospective new member.

"Well, not so good," replied the golfer. "It's 69."

"Hey, that's not bad. In fact, it's very good."

"Glad you think so. I'm hoping to do even better on the next hole," the golfer confided.

He's a liar (2)

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

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