Golf Jokes » You scoredHelp him find it
Fred
and Harry were playing their usual weekend match on the links at
Royal Sydney and were annoyed by an unusually slow twosome in front
of them. One of them was seen to be mooching around on the fairway
while the other was searching distractedly in the rough.
"Hey,"
shouted Fred, "why don't you help your friend find his bloody ball?"
"He's
got his bloody ball," came the reply. "It's his bloody club he's
looking for."
Late tee off
"Your
late teeing off, Fred"
"Yup,
well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to
church or to play golf"
But next week...
As
he was walking his dog one weekday afternoon, Fred, the bookie the
punters loved to hate, espied a young lad upon the local links.
Fred stopped for a moment to watch him tee off and stayed for longer
when he saw that the boy had talent.
Indeed
he had holed his tee shot. He was about to call out his congratulations
when the lad teed up again and once more holed in one.
Now
Fred, never one to let an opportunity pass, walked up to the youngster,
congratulated him and asked: "How old are you, lad?"
"Eleven,
sir," the young person replied.
"Anyone
else here seen you play?" Fred enquired.
Having
received the assurance that no one had, Fred proposed a match the
very next day with the club champion lined up against the young
tyro.
The odds were handsome - 10 to 1 against the new young player.
The
lad, however, took 11 at the first hole and went on around the course
in much the same way. Of course he lost badly. Fred was furious.
"You've
made me look a right fool my lad. What's the idea of pretending
you can't play?"
"Listen,
dope," the youngster whispered, "next week you'll get 100 to 1."
I have to give up golf
I'm
going to have to give up golf," Fred sadly advised the club secretary.
"I've become so nearsighted I keep losing balls and if I play with
glasses they keep falling off."
"Listen, don't give up;" the secretary replied. "What about teaming
up with old Harry Jones." "But he's in his 80s and can only just
make it around the course."
"Yes, yes, he's old, but he's also farsighted and he'll be able
to see where you've hit your ball. It's a way to stay on playing."
The
next day Fred and old Harry played their first game together. Fred
teed off first and his powerful swing took the ball sailing up the
fairway.
"Did
you see it?" he asked Harry. "Yes," the old-timer answered.
"Where did it go?" "I forget!" came the reply.
The rich novice
He
was rolling in it. Made his money in scrap metal after the war and
on retirement he had almost everything he wanted including time
to enjoy himself - even time to take up golf. He bought the best
of everything he needed. Great clubs, shoes, sweaters as worn by
the professionals, the lot, and he attacked his first game with
gusto.
Behind
him he left fairways looking like they'd been ploughed and greens
looking like moles had surfaced in their hundreds. There were broken
flag pins, clubs and mangled balls left in his wake, along with
beercans, fag butts and a littering of discarded score cards. His
score was 285 which he celebrated over a steak and a pint.
"Excuse
me, sir," a discreet voice interrupted his mastications. "I'm the
convenor of the Greens Committee."
The
novice looked around, his face filled with indignation. "You're
just the bloke I want to see. These brussels sprouts are cold!"
Kiwi visiting Ireland
Then
there was the New Zealander holidaying in Ireland and trying out
Limerick's public course, famed for its difficulty. Driving from
thick woods on the twelfth, he aimed for the fairway but as he could
not see it yelled "Fore!" and swiped. His ball struck a local player.
"Arrah,
ye great mullock," cried the Irishman, as the Kiwi emerged in pursuit
of his ball.
"But
I called, `Fore' and that's the signal to get out of the way."
"Well,
when of call, 'Foive,' that's the signal to punch your jaw! Foive!"
A little liquid refreshment
A
little liquid refreshment at the nineteenth is of course all part
of the game but the two Scots enthusiasts had partaken of nothing
else but the national beverage throughout a long lunch break. They
returned to the links and played five holes before collecting themselves
and their thoughts together.
"How
do we stand, mon?" Jock asked. "I dinna ken, Jock," Sandy spoke
very carefully. "I'd say it was just a miracle."
Could have been worse
Hey,
George, did you hear the awful news about John?" The two golfers
were talking over a drink in the club bar.
"No
what happened to him.'"
"Well
he had a great round on Wednesday - under seventy I heard - anyway
he finished early and drove home, and found his wife in bed with
another man! No questions asked... he just shot 'em both! Isn't
it terrible?"
"Could have been worse," George commented.
"How?"
"If he'd finished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!"
I'm hoping to do better
What's
your golf score?" the country club interviewer asked the prospective
new member.
"Well,
not so good," replied the golfer. "It's 69."
"Hey,
that's not bad. In fact, it's very good."
"Glad
you think so. I'm hoping to do even better on the next hole," the
golfer confided.
He's
a liar (2)
Sid
and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short
on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's
say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and
spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they
enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke,
but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. |
