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Green
golf balls
Bill
and Ralph were approaching the first tee. Ralph goes into his golf
bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try
this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't
lose it."
Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies,
"I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it
makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces
bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order
for you to find it."
Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the
possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible!
Where did you get that ball!"
Ralph replies, "I found it."
Green
golf balls (2)
A
golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally
the pro asks him what he wants. "I can't find any green golf balls,"
the golfer replies. The pro looks all over the shop, and through
all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines
that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before
you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in
the sand traps!"
The
lucky frog
A
man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He
is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he tries again.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the
frog wrong; he puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow! That's
amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.
Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What
do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood," was the reply.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his
life and asks the frog, "Ok! Where to next?" The frog's reply: "Ribbit.
Las Vegas."
The frog and the man go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok, frog;
now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the
roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000, black 6." Now, this is a million
to one shot that this would win, but after the golf game, the man
figures - what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay
you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me". He figures, why not, since after all
the frog did for him he deserves it. So, he kisses the frog. All
of a sudden, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl
in the world.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Green
Fees
For
months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle,
clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint
traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary
purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones
had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards.
It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the
discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive
prototypes of irons or putters.
Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions
associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did
have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs
and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled,
aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully.
"If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for
centuries before rediscovery."
The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder,
surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely.
"Simple," was the translation, "they couldn`t afford
the green fees."
Lifelong
headaches
Fred
was moderately successful golfer, but as he got older he was increasingly
hampered by incredible headaches. His golf, personal hygiene and
love life started to suffer, he managed to push on, but when his
game turned really sour he sought medical help. After being referred
from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor
who solved the problem.
"The
good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure
and allow your swing to work again is to remove the testicles."
Fred
was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live
for, but then figured at least he could play reasonable golf again.
He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left
the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing
an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised
that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning,
swing free, and live a new life. He went to the club for a drink
and as he walked past the Pro shop thought, "That's what I
need: a new outfit."
He
entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like some new
golf slacks." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's
see . . .size 44 long." Fred laughed, "That's right, how
did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the slacks,
they fitted perfectly. As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about a new shirt, I've got some great
new Nicklaus stock."
Fred
thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . ." . The salesman
eyed Fred and said,"Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and
and half neck" Fred was surprised, "That's right, how
did you know?" "It's my job." Fred tried on the shirt,
and it fitted perfectly. As Fred adjusted the collar in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "How about new shoes, we just got new stock
with soft spikes" Fred was on a roll and agreed. The salesman
said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide."
Fred
was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's
my job." Fred tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Fred
walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Fred said, "Sure
. . " The salesman eyed Fred's head and said, "Let's see.
. .7 5/8." Fred was really impressed, "That's right, how
did you know?" "It's my job."
The
hat fit perfectly. Fred was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear, got some great new imported
stock." Fred thought for a second and said, "Sure . .
"The salesman stepped back, eyed Fred's waist and said, "Let's
see. . size 36." Fred laughed, "No, I've worn size 34
since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You
can't wear a size 34 - every time you swing it would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."
What
is the braver force
A
marine drill sergeant fancied a round of golf one day, and headed
out to his favourite links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed
an air force commander, also waiting on the first tee and also alone.
Both being in the armed forces, they decided to play together.
It wasn't long before they were talking about work. They shared
boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It
went this way until about the third hole, when the marine sergeant
was finishing a story about a runaway tank and said, "And you
know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces."
The air force commander dropped his putter, "Just what do you
mean by that?" he challenged. "Well," the sergeant
went on, "who do you send to take new territory? Who do you
send in when you're out numbered? Who gets the call for the most
covert operations?"
The air force commander putted out, and angrily he said, "Well,
while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear target in the
sky? Who do you call for support when you're losing? And who is
always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the air force
are the bravest men." This argument lasted for the rest of
the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each
had stories to tell to back up their claims.
After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still
debating the matter. Finally, the marine sergeant stood and said,
"I've got to head back to camp. Play again next week?"
To this, the air force commander said, "Well, I must apologise,
it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and
is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much braver
man than myself!"
The
visiting aliens
An
alien spaceship hovered over a golf course. Two aliens were watching
a solitary golfer practising on a golf course. This was a new golfer
and they watched in amazement.
The
golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took
three to get out of the rough into the fairway, slice the next shot
into the bushes, took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
Meanwhile,
one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of game
and they continued to observe the golfer.
Hit
a great shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to
get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several
times until he finally got into the hole. At this stage, the other
alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble".
Good
dentures ?
A
couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr.
Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked
that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200
mph when it hit me in the groin. That was the first time in two
years my teeth didn't hurt."
Practice
your putting
"Doctor,
we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed my golf tees."
"I'll be there at once."
"But tell me what to do till you get here, doc?"
"Practice your putting."
Three old men
Three
old men are about to play their regular match when the starter asks
if they mind that a lady joins them to make up a four ball.
When
they see the stunning beautiful 18 year old blonde they all agree
that she would make a great 4th. Her standard of golf does not match
her looks and after playing 17 bad holes she gets to the 18th and
has a 20 foot put for a par.
"I would do anything in the world to get a par" she tells the three
men.
All
three obviously have the same thing in mind. The first man says
"hold your hands tight together and aim about 6 inches to the right
of the hole"
The
second man says "No, no, aim just inside the left edge and hit it
firm, make sure you do not leave it short"
The
3rd gentleman walks around the green surveying the hole from every
angle and say's "Ah, its a gimmie."
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